Page 4 | Being the OW

BelgiumArse · 24/11/2022 23:20

do feel let down as he gave the whole spiel about seeing a future with me.

Well it was a little early to be talking future, so next time be more careful.

Look I'm not berating you, you maybe have ended a relationship recently and want a bit of an ego buzz from an old flame but it was unwise to think everyone elses lives are on hold waiting for the day you become available.

This is whow it works with the younger generation, snapchat etc, booked hotels, sexual machinations, I have a home full of young ladies that are getting messages from men all the time on social media, some famous men, you wouldn't believe and they lie, they want fun and discretion, they want to use.
They short shrift them, never rude or block them just say they are busy, they find out their status if not already known.
They don't chase and if they did they would be clued up on their singledom.

You and other young women decide to cast your net, fair enough a quick shag to gain confidence but you were silly to think this short parly could mean anything meaningful after such short re -aquaintance.

Good luck in the future, she's married to a shit but if anything becomes of this he will point out you contacted him first so whether you get the wrath of that who knows.

QS90 · 24/11/2022 23:21

I've never done a "background check" on anyone I was dating or wanted to shag?! Is this a thing people regularly do?? I feel so out of the loop, having only been out of the dating pool 8 years...

OP I would say the right thing to do would be to tell the wife, in as tactful a way as is possible in the circumstances. However, the easy thing would just be to block him and move on, if you don't want the inevitable drama and fall-out. I wouldn't blame you for taking the easy route - sounds like you've already been through the wringer with this whole situation. Whatever you decide, it goes without saying that the fault is with this horrid, creepy man. Any upset caused to anyone (his wife, his children or you), is obviously his fault and not yours x

wineNcheeseifYplease · 24/11/2022 23:23

BelgiumArse · 24/11/2022 23:20

do feel let down as he gave the whole spiel about seeing a future with me.

Well it was a little early to be talking future, so next time be more careful.

Look I'm not berating you, you maybe have ended a relationship recently and want a bit of an ego buzz from an old flame but it was unwise to think everyone elses lives are on hold waiting for the day you become available.

This is whow it works with the younger generation, snapchat etc, booked hotels, sexual machinations, I have a home full of young ladies that are getting messages from men all the time on social media, some famous men, you wouldn't believe and they lie, they want fun and discretion, they want to use.
They short shrift them, never rude or block them just say they are busy, they find out their status if not already known.
They don't chase and if they did they would be clued up on their singledom.

You and other young women decide to cast your net, fair enough a quick shag to gain confidence but you were silly to think this short parly could mean anything meaningful after such short re -aquaintance.

Good luck in the future, she's married to a shit but if anything becomes of this he will point out you contacted him first so whether you get the wrath of that who knows.

How do you ever "know" someone else's "singledom" when that someone chooses to be deceptive?

hourbyhour101 · 24/11/2022 23:23

Jesus wept the beating your taking op.

I often wonder how these men can think it's ok to pull this shit.

Then I come on mumsnet and see people bending over backwards to shame you for a man who broke his marriage vows and think "ah this is where it starts" with the mothers who blame anyone bar their little darling boys in any shape or form they can.

Op it's ok to have liked this guy, only ridiculous people they run a background check on all their friends, he was obviously a repeat liar and had made a effort to hide his tracks. Your human being, not mystic Meg.

People love a gottach moment until it happens to them (probably again the people saying to butt out)

Coldhouseflowers · 24/11/2022 23:26

You were probably just fun ! Takes two to tango !

FluffyFlower · 24/11/2022 23:28

AhhShit · 24/11/2022 23:19

No I don’t know her and in hindsight I didn’t know the real him, just the bullshit he told me. I don’t want to hurt her as she’s done nothing wrong. I’ve been in her shoes and wished someone would have told me as his mates knew months before I did. I felt like a complete fool and if he’s done this with more women, then at least she could make up her mind about him.

It is understandable and shows that you are a kind and caring person. But you should also think for yourself, my point was, do you need even more drama related to this man in your life? She will find out one way or the other. I doubt there are no other signs she is already getting

wineNcheeseifYplease · 24/11/2022 23:29

Coldhouseflowers · 24/11/2022 23:26

You were probably just fun ! Takes two to tango !

But not two to be in the know when one person is lying and in control of their own deceptive narrative.
Funny how pointless colloquialisms aren't an honest descriptor of the truth...

Original poster

AhhShit · 24/11/2022 23:30

No I don’t need the drama in my life, I’m quite happy being the single mum with no hassle. It was an ego boost of course and I was naive to believe him. It was him that talked about things being serious, which I was silly enough to believe. I just got caught up in the moment.

OP posts:

wineNcheeseifYplease · 24/11/2022 23:34

No, you don't need the drama. But you know that you would like that level of information about your own life. It doesn't mean you have to, or owe her that. But I know how I'd feel as the woman who had those choices made for me.

BelgiumArse · 24/11/2022 23:38

How do you ever "know" someone else's "singledom" when that someone chooses to be deceptive?

Oh come on it's 2022, not 1980.
Op is 35 she'd have to be living in a box to not know how this works. I'm considerably older but still would have had more of clue about this scenario. Many of the girls in my home it would take them seconds to find out about someone, a quick 10 minutes on their i phone and they would probably know what they've had for tea.

Stop infantalising op, she won't learn otherwise, these balances and checks are for your own sake if you are a woman, yes it's crap in this day and age that you can't trust men, but stop being so wet behind the ears, protect yourselves from shitty men.

Quiegal · 24/11/2022 23:40

AhhShit · 24/11/2022 19:08

Hello,

I’d started to message an old friend who I’d lost contact with and things got steamy very quickly, much to my surprise. There were no telltale signs that he even had a partner or kids, but after a couple of days of a few texts instead of literally hundreds, I did a bit of snooping. I’ve told him I know about her and the kids, but he’s gone silent again.

I obviously would never have started this if I’d known about her/the kids. Would you tell her? Obviously, I’m going to block him if/when he ever gives me an answer.

Would you want to know? I don’t want to shatter her world, but I think I’d want to know.

Just cut him off and walk away.

No need to tell her. Because she may not believe you.

BelgiumArse · 24/11/2022 23:43

AhhShit · 24/11/2022 23:30

No I don’t need the drama in my life, I’m quite happy being the single mum with no hassle. It was an ego boost of course and I was naive to believe him. It was him that talked about things being serious, which I was silly enough to believe. I just got caught up in the moment.

You did, and I'm sure you're a very beautiful young woman as he converted his friendly chit chat pretty quick into chatting you up.

Now use that boost to find someone lovely and single, go on get yourself off mumsnet and start casting your net again.
Oh to be 35 again. 😂

Chalk this one up to experience.

Original poster

AhhShit · 24/11/2022 23:45

BelgiumArse · 24/11/2022 23:38

How do you ever "know" someone else's "singledom" when that someone chooses to be deceptive?

Oh come on it's 2022, not 1980.
Op is 35 she'd have to be living in a box to not know how this works. I'm considerably older but still would have had more of clue about this scenario. Many of the girls in my home it would take them seconds to find out about someone, a quick 10 minutes on their i phone and they would probably know what they've had for tea.

Stop infantalising op, she won't learn otherwise, these balances and checks are for your own sake if you are a woman, yes it's crap in this day and age that you can't trust men, but stop being so wet behind the ears, protect yourselves from shitty men.

Yes I could have done a 10 min check and found this out before, but I took his word for it. He was an old friend, who I lost touch with but he was lovely when we were younger. I generally trust what people say. I don’t go on dates often, it’s been years but I wouldn’t stalk them on social media beforehand.

OP posts:

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 24/11/2022 23:51

QS90 · 24/11/2022 23:21

I've never done a "background check" on anyone I was dating or wanted to shag?! Is this a thing people regularly do?? I feel so out of the loop, having only been out of the dating pool 8 years...

OP I would say the right thing to do would be to tell the wife, in as tactful a way as is possible in the circumstances. However, the easy thing would just be to block him and move on, if you don't want the inevitable drama and fall-out. I wouldn't blame you for taking the easy route - sounds like you've already been through the wringer with this whole situation. Whatever you decide, it goes without saying that the fault is with this horrid, creepy man. Any upset caused to anyone (his wife, his children or you), is obviously his fault and not yours x

The last time I went on a first date was 2000. I'd be terrified!

Livelovebehappy · 24/11/2022 23:56

Are you sure you’re not even a bit disappointed that things didn’t progress between you, and it’s this that’s driving you on to contact his wife? He could have spun you a lie, like a lot of them do, and told you he was in a miserable marriage, in name only, separate beds etc etc, but clearly couldn’t be arsed/wasn’t interested enough in you, so has just cut you off. Just like that. I would feel that he’d just used me for a bit of flirty entertainment.

MrsMiddleMother · 25/11/2022 00:10

Op he's an ass and it's shit what's he's done but honestly I'd just move on. If you had been sleeping together I'd say tell the wife but since it didn't come to that I wouldn't tell her, block him now and just move on with your life.

BelgiumArse · 25/11/2022 00:16

I've never done a "background check" on anyone I was dating or wanted to
shag?! Is this a thing people regularly do?? I feel so out of the loop,
having only been out of the dating pool 8 years...

Of course they do, especially under 35, they are tech savvy and men have changed due to the internet, I guinuinely feel sorry for the younger women today but out there now are many female players just like men.

Buildingthefuture · 25/11/2022 08:04

Op, this is not your fault! Should we really have to do “due diligence” on men, particularly if we have known them for years. Should we really just assume that everyone lies? Is that what it’s come to? By that rational, all the women who say on here “my DH would never”…should be religiously checking to see if that’s actually the case??
Personally, I would tell her. He’s a rotten fucker and she may well NOT know. I would send her screen shots, with an apology, saying you didn’t know about her, but you’ve been in her position. The Twat deserves to be outed!!