Being the OW

[AhhShit]

Hello,

I’d started to message an old friend who I’d lost contact with and things got steamy very quickly, much to my surprise. There were no telltale signs that he even had a partner or kids, but after a couple of days of a few texts instead of literally hundreds, I did a bit of snooping. I’ve told him I know about her and the kids, but he’s gone silent again.

I obviously would never have started this if I’d known about her/the kids. Would you tell her? Obviously, I’m going to block him if/when he ever gives me an answer.

Would you want to know? I don’t want to shatter her world, but I think I’d want to know.

I'm usually tell the wife and I still think the husband is a man not to be trusted and yes if I were the wife I would want to know how scummy his is, but also that he has scummy friends that don't ask before sexting and booking hotels whether they are single or not.

Come on you probably did this birhday greeting through facebook reminder, did it not show his family at all on his social media ?

You "of course it didn't"

You contacted him !

And it's almost as if she couldn't help herself either.

This but then I’d want to know

@FFSLTB but she didn't know he had a partner and kids. How is it comparable?

God the mysoginy is strong on this thread 😐

Yes I did get the reminder on Facebook. No his profile is down as completely private. I could only see his birthday messages in his wall and none of which were obviously from a partner. There was no trace of the kids or partner and just had pics of him on his profile. It did start innocently and then moved on. Of course I asked if he was single. He claimed he was. Clearly the hotel is cancelled.

Exactly, I don't understand this. What possible reason would someone want to hurt the wife, a person they don't know and have no problem with? It's the guy who should be getting all the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune anger.

There's another long thread on here today with contributions from women who said they wouldn't want to know if their husbands were cheating - or at least that they wouldn't want someone to tell them, they would rather be in blissful ignorance. That's just fine and dandy, isn't it, other people knowing and saying "poor Mary, she's such a mug"?

She is hurt already. She just doesn't know it yet.

And me. You are no threat to her marriage - why ruin her life with a few sleazy messages - gives me the ick

Why didn't you start the snooping before you started the texting.

Best check in future, I mean how long does it take in this day and age to snoop, probably less time than hundreds of messages, wank videos and booking of hotels.

I'm not a user of FB anymore but when I was, I only used to get birthday reminders of the people I was 'friends' with. If I was 'friends' with someone, I'd be able to see what is written on their wall, not just birthday messages, but maybe things have changed since I deleted my account.

I know I’m no threat to her marriage. I hardly want to shag him now I know the truth. I’ve been cheated on and I wish someone would have told me as his friends all knew long before I pieced it all together.

No, the (literal) wanker of a husband is, however.

@BelgiumArse the man straight out lied and said he was single, but somehow OP is to blame because she didn't think to run a full background check on him? Really? 🙄

I am friends with him on Facebook. Maybe he limited my access without me knowing as you can do. He said he doesn’t really use social media that much and has it just to see family updates. I didn’t snoop because he was my friend and I took his word for it.

This. Its not about misogyny as people are suggesting. It's about taking accountability and responsibility for your own life and actions. OP has admitted things got sexual pretty quickly and obviously arranged and booked a hotel before deciding to find out anything about him. Man or woman, in todays world, finding out about who you're about to sleep with is a must, not just waiting til a red flag pops up. Or maybe that's just the cynic in me.

@AhhShit pay no mind to the users trying to make you out as some kind of vindictive temptress. They're being ridiculous.

I was an old friend, why wouldn’t I trust him? I maybe would do a search on someone new.

So, if not on FB, where did you do your snooping to find out he wasn't single once you became suspicious?

Man or woman, in todays world, finding out about who you're about to sleep with is a must,

did you miss the part where this was an old friend who OP had lost touch with? Barely a total stranger. But sure, keep victim blaming... @FFSLTB

No idea why people are blaming you for him being a cheater!

i saw a Facebook message from his mum and that led me to pics of grandchildren and videos of kid with dad and it being him.

And did you not see the bit where I said earlier if I'd not been in touch with someone in a while, I'd want to find out if he was single. If I think her story doesn't ring true, I'm entitled to voice my opinion - have you not been on MN before? It's a public forum where people air their dirty laundry for all to comment and opine upon, are free to ask questions or query dodgy stories, report trolls or abusive behaviour. Welcome - enjoy

She straight out asked if he was single. He lied.

How is that her fault?

To what extent does a woman's duty to do due diligence extend? Should I ask for ID to check he hasn't lied about his age? Ask to see the title to his house? Interrogate his mother about previous relationships he's had? Steal a DNA sample from his toothbrush and run it through 23andme to see if he's got any kids he hasn't told me about?

Are men such hopeless creatures that women can't trust a single word they say anymore?

Your determination to blame OP in this is absolutely mysoginistic abd out of line.