Being the OW

[AhhShit]

Hello,

I’d started to message an old friend who I’d lost contact with and things got steamy very quickly, much to my surprise. There were no telltale signs that he even had a partner or kids, but after a couple of days of a few texts instead of literally hundreds, I did a bit of snooping. I’ve told him I know about her and the kids, but he’s gone silent again.

I obviously would never have started this if I’d known about her/the kids. Would you tell her? Obviously, I’m going to block him if/when he ever gives me an answer.

Would you want to know? I don’t want to shatter her world, but I think I’d want to know.

Of course he’s old enough to have kids but then realistically anyone 17 or so could have had a couple of kids. His profile gave no indication of a partner or kids and as he was an old friend then why wouldn’t I take his word? Maybe I trust to easily, I never thought he would lie.

He started off the flirty convo after the usual happy birthday and general catch up on life where he claimed he was single. Yes I replied as I did fancy him and as I’m single, that’s fair enough, surely.

You were the one who sought out him, it was you responsibility to find out his possition before you began taking clothes off and booking rooms.

If you enter any arrangement you are required to do your own homework before proceeding.

I sought him out to wish him a happy birthday as that’s what lots of people do. I did ask him if he was single and he lied.

@BelgiumArse your username fits you perfectly 👌

Sounds like you are a bit pissed off he's called the hotel room off.

Would you like to admit, this isn't to help his wife, but to get back at him for "luring you in" then dumping you".

He didn’t cancel the hotel room, I did. Why would I waste my money on a man with a family?

Are you racist ?

You make it sound as if the OP is jealous or miffed. I would be miffed, but not jealous of the wife or miffed I couldn't have him. Very angry at terrible behaviour from him. But I'd have shut it down at the first sign of naked pictures anyway (that's not to shame anyone, just how I would have reacted, before I am pounced on).

And hasn't the OP called off the hotel room, not him?

How old are you op?

@RandomMusings7 alright love, calm down. I'm entitled to my opinion so wind your neck in

Mid 30’s

OP, he's shit. He tried to cheat with you. Opportunistic or nor not, he'd have done it, so probably has done before and/or will do again.

I'd want to know and you know you would have done too. I think thats enough. We want to make our own choices over our lives. They may be shit choices, with shit outcomes, but I know I'd want to make them. I think that's enough to act in good conscience.

I know he was in the wrong and maybe we shouldn’t have swapped pics but I was excited that he was interested now I’m in a better place. He was a nice guy when I knew him properly and I trusted him. Yes naively so, but I asked him if he was single/kids and he lied. I do feel let down as he gave the whole spiel about seeing a future with me.

OP YABU of course - for thinking that anything a man does can't be somehow blamed on a woman. 'Due dillegence', crikey! Can someone forward me the current compliance policies for sexting an old friend who tells you they're single, please?

Most people would want to know if their partner is cheating on them (and most people would class sexting as cheating, I'd wager). I'm suspicious of all these people you find on mumsnet who are so vehemently against telling the truth and letting someone decide for themselves about their future in possession of all the facts. I can't understand what virtue there is in smugly deciding the wife doesn't deserve to know and letting her live in ignorance.

I also don't understand why people think you are jealous or hurt given that it's you who called it off 🤷‍♀️

This, I completely agree

He’s coming to me as he’s an 2 hours of hours away and I have a couple of kids to pay a babysitter for. I don’t see what’s wrong in me paying for the hotel room and wanting a shag with a bloke I fancy and was told was single.

It's you who started with the personal insults.

It was really 'random' 😘

I didn’t want him coming back to mine as that wouldn’t be appropriate with kids there, so hotel was the only option and as he was supposedly single he was more than happy to do the travelling. I don’t feel shame for wanting to shag him. He lied and said he could see a future with me. Yes I’m gullible and naive but I stupidly trusted him.

Inappropriate*

I'm not sure why you're getting so many nasty comments 🤔 if I was the wife I'd want to know

Why would you want to tell her? None of your business as long as you blocked him now and stopped all contact. You don't even know him that well after such a long time passed and you certainly don't know her. If she was your friend - yes, but she a stranger to you? You removed yourself, why would you want to keep this situation brewing? Forget and move on with your own life.

None of your business

Eh? 😂

No I don’t know her and in hindsight I didn’t know the real him, just the bullshit he told me. I don’t want to hurt her as she’s done nothing wrong. I’ve been in her shoes and wished someone would have told me as his mates knew months before I did. I felt like a complete fool and if he’s done this with more women, then at least she could make up her mind about him.

The replies on here are crazy, I also don't know why you're being so attacked.

It is funny how there is such a strong divide with 'would you want to be told'. I know I absolutely would, so I'm with you that I would also feel obligated to tell. I would feel so betrayed as a human with morals and a conscience, to be left in the dark, personally.