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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He said he likes to be "served"

85 replies

chuppachoop · 23/11/2022 19:39

He said he likes to be served. He was talking about his dinner, but I think that is how he probably feels about me in general.

I guess that just about sums up my "DP". I have been through eighteen years of abuse and my head is probably always spinning. I had an extremely physically and emotionally abusive childhood and me, my mum and siblings were terrorised. As a result of this I have no family to turn to. My dp has lost me all my childhood friends, luckily I have one friend that I trust and who I can turn to.

  • After an operation (due to my disability) I was on crutches and in plaster , he was mad with me and made me get out of the car and left me on the side of a busy road nowhere near anything. He then came back and screamed at me to get in. When we got home and we got out of the car he shoved me and tried to push me to the floor and then said he would not be picking my DC up from school and left me distraught as I couldn't go and drive to get him. A friend I called to pick him up said he was there and picking my DC up.

-I have realised that he plays the victim and has badmouthed me to his colleagues and he recruits very misogynistic men who say things like kick her out on the street. His dm is viscous and openly says she can't wait until his sweet, kind Dad is dead. So I am isolated but he has a team around him.

-He has physically abused me a few times and years ago would smash stuff.

-I was rushed to hospital when I was seriously ill and when they were going to do tests in A and E he started swearing to me about having to go to work the next day and why can't they fucking hurry up. When I said something about not saying that he started viciously attacking me and said see there's nothing wrong with your mouth is there. Long story short I had an illness where I could have died.

I could go on and on about all the stuff he has done to me.

He is highly manipulative and very fake but a great actor. He has abused me in every way there is.

His main way of abusing me is suddenly going cold and not talking to me and me not being sure what I am supposed to have done wrong. These days I just ignore him back now. My daily life is a constant badgering of picking at things in the house that I have not done correctly for example he walks in and walks round for things to pick on. His favourite is saying I cannot load the dishwasher properly so bangs the stuff around "fixing" the way I have done it. If the place is spotless he will pick on a minor thing to comment on.

It was only after I read Lundy Bancroft's book that I gave up trying and starting thinking about myself.

He is currently giving me the silent treatment, as he wanted me to do something that would mean that he would have more control over me, his fake friendly act didn't work and he knows that I am not going to do that. He is also currently complaining that our sex life is shit and I'm not passionate about him. So hopefully he wants me to leave too, I mean he is always whinging about me. I don't think I know the full effect all this has had on me I just keep going like I did as a child. But I want a better life and peace for me and my DC.

I want to leave in summer after my Dc has finished GCSE. My problem is that I am unable to do standing up or physical jobs that I have had to do for the last few years, as I an accident years ago where I was lucky to keep my limb. I have also booked a doctor's appointment, as I have had people point out to me that I have symptoms of ADHD. After looking this up I am convinced that this has been a problem that has plagued me all my life and although I have a degree I have never managed to have a career.

Is there any help for people with disabilities to start careers that will enable me to sit down but will make adjustments for ADHD?

I need to get out of this hell. Is there any help to deal with this while I have to live with it for a little while longer?

OP posts:
Energyvampirelove · 23/11/2022 19:47

I don’t have any advice but just wanted to say LTB you deserve so much more . Sorry you are going through this xx

Risslan · 23/11/2022 19:48

Well, I'm very glad you've decided to leave this man and sorry you don't have much of a support network to help you.

Are you safe for now?

I'd suggest speaking to a woman's charity for advice on how to plan to leave. Are you married? Is DC his? Do you own any of the house?

There are plenty of jobs suitable for someone with mobility issues and adhd, particularly if you are used to managing it and have the option of medicating if needed. You may need some training since they're all likely to be desk/computer based jobs but there should be plenty available to you. The job centre can help.

I wish you strength for your remaining few month and peace thereafter, sounds like you deserve that 💐

Fraaahnces · 23/11/2022 19:59

I think you probably have ptsd

WuldNahKest · 23/11/2022 20:01

May I suggest that you set up a secret email address and any messages where you're discussing his behaviour and he admits to doing something abusive (I.e. illegal), screenshot them and email them to this address.

I promise you will need them.

I would also report him to the police once you've left and give them all the evidence and a witness statement. Even if nothing comes of it, it will be on record for when he abuses the next woman.

Regarding coping, look up how to "grey rock" someone, essentially you will become unresponsive to him trying to provoke you and become boring to him when he doesn't get a reaction.

Original poster
chuppachoop · 23/11/2022 20:13

I have kept a diary of some incidents to prevent me from thinking I am going mad, as he swings from nice to mean and gaslights me. I always send them to a secret email. Some I have deleted.

He was cautioned by the police in the past but I don't think it is still on his record. So I guess they will believe me. I have recordings and messages.

I don't really understand what I ever did so wrong to him but like I said Lundy Bancroft stopped me from trying.

The silence is nice but it is unnerving living like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
chuppachoop · 23/11/2022 20:18

I went to the doctor about CPTSD and asked to have some therapy, but she gave me ADs (which did help) but she said they only have CBT which is didn't find helpful before. She said I would have to do that first.

He liked to smirk when he saw me in floods of tears before the ADs, at least that doesn't happen anymore.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 23/11/2022 20:26

Please don't use a child as an excuse to remain in this environment a moment longer. You need to get the child out of there. You've kept them there with this monster for far too long. Would be wise for you and your kid to go to therapy to ensure that once he is out, neither of you date abusers in future. You could also both do the freedom program online.

It's awful that you've been through this. But my primary concern is that your child gas grown up thinking it's OK for partners to treat people/be treated like this. And that they should remain in these environments. You need to donall you can to reverse the damage that has been done yo your child. And that starts by getting out of there and creating a safe home environment for them. And by leafing by example from now on and no longer staying with abusers

Original poster
chuppachoop · 23/11/2022 20:48

There's no urgency, so I can wait until DC has done exams, I've waited this long. My DC is happy with lots of friends and hobbies and doing well at school etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
chuppachoop · 23/11/2022 20:53

Plus I have nowhere to go

OP posts:
WuldNahKest · 23/11/2022 20:57

chuppachoop · 23/11/2022 20:18

I went to the doctor about CPTSD and asked to have some therapy, but she gave me ADs (which did help) but she said they only have CBT which is didn't find helpful before. She said I would have to do that first.

He liked to smirk when he saw me in floods of tears before the ADs, at least that doesn't happen anymore.

You don't have to do cbt first. Ask for another doctor. Therapy won't help while you're still being abused though.

Perhaps begin also squirrelling money away somewhere if you're saying you have nowhere to go, for emergencies. Then report what he has done when you're ready and get a non-molestation order in place and stay put if you are still in the house. He is the abuser, he can sort himself out and you will have peace.

WhatTeaspoon · 23/11/2022 21:02

Contact women’s aid.

It is not your fault at all and you didn’t do anything wrong.

Due to your childhood you are incredibly vulnerable to abusers and not just him, they literally look for women who have had difficult pasts. I used to do voluntary fundraising work for WA and it was an eye opener. It was a small town, in the refuge women would name the men that abused them and over the years the same mens names came up time and again.

Try and squirrel away a bit of money however small but cover all your tracks.

RandomMess · 23/11/2022 21:06

There is Access to Work where they pay for the reasonable adjustments.

Sounds like you need to look at admin work.

Original poster
chuppachoop · 23/11/2022 21:08

Thank you I will do that.

I have an opportunity to get somewhere in the summer and I want to leave this place anyway as I have bad memories here. He will not leave as soon have asked him to leave many times before. Even the police sent him back here before.

I want to plan day to day on how to leave, so that I never have to come back. I am scared of him. He is very devious too.

OP posts:
WuldNahKest · 23/11/2022 21:12

If you want to plan, contact your local domestic abuse services, Google domestic abuse and the county you live in. They will help you plan your exit and help plan how to stay safe afterwards.

DragonflyNights · 23/11/2022 21:14

How on earth can your child be happy when living in a house with such a monstrous person? Why would you wait any longer? Your child has already had god knows how many years living with an abuser and you want to wait until they are even older?

You’ve made your own child suffer an abusive household just like you did and you have tie balls to say they are happy so it’s ok. Sorry but I think that’s incredibly selfish. You may be the victim of abuse but you at least had some agency on deciding to report, get out, go to a refuge etc. Your kid has no choice.

WuldNahKest · 23/11/2022 21:21

DragonflyNights · 23/11/2022 21:14

How on earth can your child be happy when living in a house with such a monstrous person? Why would you wait any longer? Your child has already had god knows how many years living with an abuser and you want to wait until they are even older?

You’ve made your own child suffer an abusive household just like you did and you have tie balls to say they are happy so it’s ok. Sorry but I think that’s incredibly selfish. You may be the victim of abuse but you at least had some agency on deciding to report, get out, go to a refuge etc. Your kid has no choice.

She may agree with that later when he is no longer messing with her head. She knows it's bad but she won't realise until she's away from him.

I know what you mean, but it isn't that easy to just leave. Besides, family court will almost guarantee you have to have contact with your abuser until your child can have the relationship alone.

Soothsayer1 · 23/11/2022 21:30

So sorry to hear about what you're going through chuppachoop obviously the sooner you are away from him the better, but with a devious predator I think it might pay in the long run to be cautious & careful with your exit.
I dont know if this is feasible or right for you but I think I'd want to keep things as calm & normal as possible at home, whilst in private working on your plans. I hope you can access expert help for this🙏

Quiegal · 23/11/2022 21:41

@chuppachoop

I am glad you have decided to leave him.

I totally understand you waiting until summer.

scoobydoo1971 · 23/11/2022 21:42

I am quite severely disabled due to an accident and surgical negligence. Many complex medical conditions. You are entitled to access to work grants from DWP to make adjustments for your occupational needs. You should contact women's aid, and make a specific plan to leave. The police can help you leave, and you should report him each and every time he is abusive towards you.

Original poster
chuppachoop · 23/11/2022 22:31

scoobydoo1971 · 23/11/2022 21:42

I am quite severely disabled due to an accident and surgical negligence. Many complex medical conditions. You are entitled to access to work grants from DWP to make adjustments for your occupational needs. You should contact women's aid, and make a specific plan to leave. The police can help you leave, and you should report him each and every time he is abusive towards you.

It's mainly the out of the blue silent treatment which I've come to prefers to the constant nit-picking and do draining.These types of things are awful but I don't think I can report that to the police.

OP posts:
Original poster
chuppachoop · 23/11/2022 22:36

@Soothsayer1 yes I'm trying to keep out of his way. I want it to be as calm as possible.

@Quiegal thank you, Yes I see no point in disrupting a very important time for DC.

OP posts:
Original poster
chuppachoop · 23/11/2022 22:42

It's weird somebody coming in the house and not even saying hello. It kind of makes you feel like you aren't there and that you are nobody.

I know I am somebody but it's still a strange experience.

OP posts:
Bedazzled22 · 23/11/2022 22:42

So sorry you’re going through this - this is not something that you deserve, you must remember that. Glad you are making a plan.

BigScreen · 23/11/2022 22:55

Sorry you are and have been going through this. The abuse has to stop, leave asap for.your child's sake as much as yours.

Leomii81 · 23/11/2022 23:05

He sounds vile what a horrid specimen. Definitely you need to get rid of this thing for your own sanity.

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