He said he likes to be "served"

[chuppachoop]

He said he likes to be served. He was talking about his dinner, but I think that is how he probably feels about me in general.

I guess that just about sums up my "DP". I have been through eighteen years of abuse and my head is probably always spinning. I had an extremely physically and emotionally abusive childhood and me, my mum and siblings were terrorised. As a result of this I have no family to turn to. My dp has lost me all my childhood friends, luckily I have one friend that I trust and who I can turn to.

• After an operation (due to my disability) I was on crutches and in plaster , he was mad with me and made me get out of the car and left me on the side of a busy road nowhere near anything. He then came back and screamed at me to get in. When we got home and we got out of the car he shoved me and tried to push me to the floor and then said he would not be picking my DC up from school and left me distraught as I couldn't go and drive to get him. A friend I called to pick him up said he was there and picking my DC up.

-I have realised that he plays the victim and has badmouthed me to his colleagues and he recruits very misogynistic men who say things like kick her out on the street. His dm is viscous and openly says she can't wait until his sweet, kind Dad is dead. So I am isolated but he has a team around him.

-He has physically abused me a few times and years ago would smash stuff.

-I was rushed to hospital when I was seriously ill and when they were going to do tests in A and E he started swearing to me about having to go to work the next day and why can't they fucking hurry up. When I said something about not saying that he started viciously attacking me and said see there's nothing wrong with your mouth is there. Long story short I had an illness where I could have died.

I could go on and on about all the stuff he has done to me.

He is highly manipulative and very fake but a great actor. He has abused me in every way there is.

His main way of abusing me is suddenly going cold and not talking to me and me not being sure what I am supposed to have done wrong. These days I just ignore him back now. My daily life is a constant badgering of picking at things in the house that I have not done correctly for example he walks in and walks round for things to pick on. His favourite is saying I cannot load the dishwasher properly so bangs the stuff around "fixing" the way I have done it. If the place is spotless he will pick on a minor thing to comment on.

It was only after I read Lundy Bancroft's book that I gave up trying and starting thinking about myself.

He is currently giving me the silent treatment, as he wanted me to do something that would mean that he would have more control over me, his fake friendly act didn't work and he knows that I am not going to do that. He is also currently complaining that our sex life is shit and I'm not passionate about him. So hopefully he wants me to leave too, I mean he is always whinging about me. I don't think I know the full effect all this has had on me I just keep going like I did as a child. But I want a better life and peace for me and my DC.

I want to leave in summer after my Dc has finished GCSE. My problem is that I am unable to do standing up or physical jobs that I have had to do for the last few years, as I an accident years ago where I was lucky to keep my limb. I have also booked a doctor's appointment, as I have had people point out to me that I have symptoms of ADHD. After looking this up I am convinced that this has been a problem that has plagued me all my life and although I have a degree I have never managed to have a career.

Is there any help for people with disabilities to start careers that will enable me to sit down but will make adjustments for ADHD?

I need to get out of this hell. Is there any help to deal with this while I have to live with it for a little while longer?

Feef, have you read Op post, its been going on for years, why are you pushing her for answers.

She knows the answer she is being passive aggressive. I'm used that!

The only thing that really bothered DS is when he thought we would move from his friends and school. So I am 100 per cent certain he is happy we are here at least. I have given up my happiness for his and he is a well-adjusted boy with lots of friends and goes well at school.

Hint that I'm a failure as a mother all you want I often heard that when DS was younger, so carry on.

I thought it was all my fault for years and have had a lot of things that made it really difficult to just go. But believe it or not there's not as much help as you think out there and if someone wants to get you they will - and that is very fear-inducing.

I really want to thank all the people that helped me with the hitch in my plan (having to change to a seated job and not knowing how to get interviews after years of not doing office work).

I will go back to my isolation now as although I understand all the judgement, it is making me feel worse when I really want to stay strong and do my best to exit carefully and successfully.

OP it's great you're making progress and making plans to get away.

One thing I'd suggest is that you try not to waste energy contemplating his motivations and goals. You'll never really understand these things, because you're a lovely, caring person, not an abusive shithead.

The reason he gives you silent treatment, or tells you he's in poor health, or criticises your dishwasher loading, is not for any logical reason. It's because he's an abusive shithead. And therefore EVERYTHING that comes out of his mouth could be complete crap and you can IGNORE it!

I know it takes time to get there. It can't happen overnight. But changing your mindset will be a great continuation of what you've learned from Lundy Bancroft.

Have you spoken with Women's Aid?

Thank you @CousinKrispy I can't say how but I have been really trying to put a great plan together.

Usually I don't take any notice of his shenanigans after I read Lundy Bancroft, as I saw that it wasn't my fault after all. The book explained everything so well. To keep my strength up I have re-read passages a couple of weeks ago. I changed after I read that book.
But I'm not going to lie ever since he came in this morning about needing a talk with me I have been feeling dizzy and feeling dread. I am really worried it's something that is going to scupper my plan and make things very difficult and disrupt DS. He also did it and will be working tomorrow so won't be telling me tomorrow either.

Oh yes I have rung Woman's Aid before and the lady was brilliant and made me know it wasn't my fault.

I agree.
I think you’re traumatised by years of abuse.
Please contact Women’s Aid and get away asap.

You do know he deliberately said it knowing the affect it would have on you and that he was working so you would have to stew on it petrified of the next abuse he is going to inflect on you?

Yes @randomess and it bloody worked this time!

I had to text him about an unrelated matter earlier, as I have to arrange something and needed to know the information from him. He put a kiss at the end of the last text, so I'm guessing from that, it is hoover reel back in time. I prefer the silence before I can escape.

You can do this chuppachoop. Sorry that you have felt judged here. Sometimes we need to play the longer game. You sound like you're doing the research for you and your specialities, garnering support, weaving a plan, getting your ducks in a row, etc. Stay strong, don't be swayed by any lala. Hold to your course. You're nearly there.

Bide your time. The less interested you become, the more you leave it to be his decision and let him think he has control.

Keep planning your exit and keep it cool. He's a nasty piece of work.

You know this is an abusive relationship and you can't stay with him.

If may also help you to do the freedom programme.