Am I being paranoid for no reason ?

[Trace33]

My DH has been promoted to a managerial position fairly recently,meaning he deals with lots of different departments. He has a work laptop and phone which he uses in his role
A few weeks ago the alarm on his private phone went off and as I switched it off his whatsapp was open. I noticed a profile i had never seen before of quite a young girl. Admittedly I was curious and opened the chats.
They were from another manager who he deals with a lot at work ,basically discussing work and some pictures of work situations that needed to be dealt with.
The replies back forth were friendly but formal ish, there was one about thank god it was a weekend but apart from that nothing sinister.
I did mention them to him as I was confused as to why he hadnt used his work phone and he said he couldnt download the app to send pictures as it wanted an ID number and he couldnt do it.
As a former manager myself I said it was best to keep interactions with colleagues on work phones etc so youre not being contacted on your own time.
He got very defensive and had a huff about me not trusting him and why was I making an issue.
This made alarm bells ring for me a bit but it died down.
His work party is in a few weeks and in the next town over so easily accessible by cab or public transport. He has mentioned work are subsidising rooms in hotels,as a lot of staff dont live as close as we do.
He said he had booked a room and I was a bit confused as to why saying we live pretty close. He then brought up the texts and said i dont trust him and flounced off.
The next day he said he had cancelled the room and would just come home.
Today he has said the guy who took over his room cant go so he has to pay for it as the booking is still in his name.
I've not said anything either way, just said ah ok, but I get the feeling he is angling to stay there and never really gave the room up.
I'm not sure if I'm just being paranoid but I cant understand his defensiveness and also now why he would book a room for xmas night out when he could just come home.
This girl (22) is attending the party but then almost all of the senior staff are.
For context hes attend lots of work dos in the same city and always come home and hes never had random people from work on his private phone.
His behaviour at home hasnt changed but this has set alarm bells off. Just interested for an outside perspective.

This 😂

Me thinks he's got a little crush on someone, how old is he ?

Maybe he want's to look the cool guy in front of her at the hotel, y'know I don't need to be at home type thing.

He may not be in there yet but he's setting the scene for looking like he's more independant than he is.

Looks like his attention at home is waning and the poor little man wants his leash extending. He going to start being a mardy bum soon, expect toys thrown out of pram and him doing a I'm leaving you if you don't trust me argument, allowing him to stay at the hotel overnight, perfectly timed.

I couldn't be arsed, get a listening device in his overnight bag or hire a PD for the evening, shouldn't cost you too much.

@Trace33

It actually doesn't sound good to be honest I don't think your paranoid.

It's most definitely the hotel bit that's got me thinking something not right.

You need to say why did you decide to stay in a hotel when you normally come home.

@millymog11 , the 22 yr old is a manager not the DH's line manager.
@Aprilx , why would the 22 yr old have the DH's personal phone number?

Phone the hotel and ask if they have a car park, and if there is a booking for [company name]

Some of these responses are unbelievable. It appears just communicating with a female colleague Is a crime. The op even said the messages were formalish. A night in a hotel Is fab, he’d be a fool to turn it down if he enjoys his colleagues company,

I honestly don’t know how people sustain relationships. Formal messages to work colleague and wants to stay in hotel after crimbo party like everyone else. Oh he must be cheating or doing drugs

Oh wait. 50% of marriages end in divorce, people don’t sustain relationships.

If my DH behaved like this, I would be concerned. The WhatsApp is explainable but the hotel situation is weird.

Saying that though, if might make sense with young children and a team that are quite young and likely to want to party. BUT why wouldn't he just say that? And what is different about this party?

There isn't really anywhere to go from here though. Anything you do at this point will be considered unreasonable.

I think you’re being paranoid. My manager and I (and the rest of my team) use WhatsApp in our personal phones - sometimes the communication isn’t even work related - but no ones shagging anyone else. I’d usually stay at the hotel for a Christmas night out, it’s easy, convenient and no ones sitting up waiting for me to come home. Again no ones shagging anyone else. I’d be deeply unimpressed at a partner instructing me on how to communicate with colleagues.

The thing is once you’ve got that thought in your head you start to put 2+2 and make 5, which erodes your relationship whether there’s anything going on or not.

I don’t think you need to worry OP, the messages were professional and no hint of an affair. He probably booked the hotel because lots of other people are staying and it’s a free night away from family life. I would do the same 😂He probably just wants a free night away. By all means keep an eye out if you want but from the info you’ve give I don’t think it is anything to worry about.

At first I thought paranoid and condescending but the hotel thing is odd.

If something doesn't make sense then it's because there's a lie somewhere.

It's a work Xmas party... They will probably stay out far later than usual, and drink alot more, having to find a way home, extremely late (or potentially having to leave the party early), in an intoxicated state, to a wife who's potentially going to be annoyed doesn't sound much fun. I completely understand why he'd want to stay in a hotel. My DH does it frequently with work, and I enjoy having friends over for a takeaway etc, and having the bed to myself! I do think you're being paranoid, and I understand why he'd be annoyed with you questioning and dictating how he uses his work/personal phone, and then questioning him staying over like the majority of the team will be.

How is it odd? We usually have our work Christmas parties as over nighters, everyone gets the chance to stay. We all stay up far too late , drink too much, then it’s a late morning and brekkie. It’s fab, it’s also usually 20 min drive from me. I don’t want to taxi home, I want to stay with everyone else. Roll into bed in the hotel, it doesn’t mean I am cheating , doing drugs or gambling. I also what’s app colleagues and my manager on my personal phone.

how are such normal interactions seen as so odd by some folks.

to a wife who's potentially going to be annoyed doesn't sound much fun

OP actively wants him to come home. She's given no hint of getting annoyed with him for staying out late/having a few drinks.

I completely agree, that sounds far more appealing. And to be honest if it were my partner I'd actively encourage them to stay if there was a subsidised room and not have to deal with a broken night and drunk snoring!

It's odd that he doesn't just say that instead of going/not going/bloke cancelling though?

It could be he decided to not stay to appease the OP after she gave him grief, but then colleagues said come on, just say Jim has cancelled and stay.

It could be that the OP is overbearing and paranoid and they don't communicate well. Or things aren't stacking up for good reason.

He might well have a crush

as for whether this 22 year old who has already made it to management would have a crush on him is another matter entirely.

I agree but it's still horrible to think your partner is chasing skirt regardless of whether that is reciprocated.

Time to re-negotiate terms of respect in the marriage.

Bloody awful

"Why would he book a room when he lives nearby? Especially after the exchange about the text".

Or, he could just want a night where he is not limited by time or transport. To mingle with colleague's, talk, network and generally have some fun .

"I mean, if I were him I'd think 'better just get a taxi home, don't want her to worry."

She won't worry as she knows he is safe in a hotel . Transport home means a timed ending to your night., however close. How very very stifling. There will most likely be many staying in the hotel who, have come from farther afield. Perhaps he wants a night with no time limits. Perhaps he may even want to wake up with a hangover and, not have to immediately deal with kids/ family life. No crime in that. Everyone is entitled to a night off . Op, can have her own xmas do overnight stay, fair is fair.

This is why i am divorced and remain single. The limitations some impose on others, are hugely oppressive at times. For goodness sake it is a work do. This is about self security and emotional security in ones self. If you are emotionally and self secure in yourself, you can withstand a few work txts on a personal phone ( i receive many due to nature of my role) and and works xmas do.

What is the worst that can happen on this do?

Op, has your DH expressed any concerns regarding your works xmas do?

I would be suspicious. The hotel room thing just doesn’t add up

"@Letthesunshineonin I would be suspicious. The hotel room thing just doesn’t add up"

It does , if your not paranoid.

Well, it does for many of the other posters on the thread.

No, none of this sounds remotely worrying to me.

I have a work phone. I only use it with clients due to GDPR. None of my colleagues even know the number. I’ve always had everyone contact me on my personal phone via WhatsApp, and I only ever contact colleagues on their personal phones.

As for the Christmas works do, staying over is pretty standard. It’s just what you do. It’s part of the experience. I always stay over at mine. Dh is taking his employees out for a night out and they’re all staying over in a hotel. To be fair, the one year Dh did come home, it was pretty grim. 😬 I would have much preferred him staying out and vomiting in someone else’s en suite sink. 😩

I mean by all means you should trust your gut, but it sounds like it’s running away with you a bit, as all this sounds relatively normal to me.

I have work phone and a personal phone and have recently had to do the same thing as I cannot seem to download bloody what’s app on my work phone! It’s very annoying. I also give colleagues who are doing site work for me my personal number as I am bloody rubbish at remembering and charging my work phone. Mother sinister, just convenient and stupid apps not working.

Why is his employer subsidising a hotel room for someone who lives a £10 cab ride away?

I smell a rat.