Partner loves his mum and brother more?

[xttcbabyno1x]

Little back story , me and my partner have been together for 6.5 years now, I'm not a rush to marry kind of person I want children first and we have one on the way.

Last night he was telling me how he loved his mum and brother more than he loves me and it made me feel a bit nervous. I'm carrying his child and he says this to me?

Then he back tracks and says it's a different kind of love... but the first comment still sticks with me... I'm now not only worried about pregnancy but worried about the future and our little boy. I would never say that to him or do I feel that way.

Well that’s a shit thing to say to the woman carrying his child.

Are they very close and is his mum overbearing/ into his business ?

Based on this he is coming across as immature . Maybe it’s just baby nerves. But now you know you need to protect your self and your baby - basically ensure your finances are secure and don’t rely on him .
Sorry he’s got you feeling low but congratulations on your baby 💐

It's sounds like an insensitive and stupid thing to say but I kind of get what he means. The love I have for my parents and sister is different to the love I have for my husband. I absolutely love him but it is a relationship that we work on and foster. With my close family it's different - I can't really explain it but, my sister often behaves quite badly and she's quite selfish. She'd make a terrible life partner but I can't imagine my life without her. Whereas if my husband cheated on me or did something awful, I'd be heartbroken but we would separate.
My children are another type of love - a fierce, protective love. DH and I have talked in a hypothetical way that if we had to choose each other or the kids, we'd both choose the kids.
Having said that we love each other loads!

This is not right. I would also be rattled by this. I think its somethign you have to understand, and from his side he also needs a Come to Jesus moment where he realises youre not just dating anymore, theres a baby on the way.....that means theres a massive change in priorities, needs and loyalties. Dont let this slip away - make some time to sit down and talk it out. Get it clear in your mind what your position is before you have the talk....you say youre not overly stressed about the marriage part....but it sounds like the 'love more' / priority angle is raising all kinds of warning red flags with you - as it should. Get it clear in your own mind also what it is you want from him - is it a commitment that you and the child will come first? Is it a formal commitment - an engagement? Some kind of emotional security from him at a time when you will be very vulnerable, having a small child. Get these things out in the open and sorted now, or you will be in a world of pain if he always sees you as coming way down his list of priorities, behind his mother and brother. Im hoping hes an eejit who spoke without thinking or understanding his new role and partner and father.

No, it doesn’t sound good. I think you need to prepare to be a single mother. 😢

Are you financially independent?

He probably shouldnt have said it out loud. Does he feel more relaxed and accepted with his mum and brother. Thats his childhood isnt it. Youre his girlfriend and you are pregnant. You represent sonething entirely different and new responsibility

I think it was a daft thing for him to say. Especially, since you are carrying his child.

However, I kind of get it. I don’t get on with my brother. But I love him. There’s very little he could do to stop me loving him. I may dislike him or his actions. But I would always love him. Same with my dad. And was the same with mum when she was alive.

I have a different live for my kids. But again, if they did something awful. I would still love them, even if the thing they did was so awful I had to cut them off. I won’t ever not love them.

I love Dp. But I could fall out of love with him. Who knows. If he did something absolutely awful, I could stop loving him. I have my kids with exh, I adored him. He turned into someone I don’t know and I know longer love him.

It’s not about loving someone more. It’s about different types of love. My brother and dad have been part of my life for all 40 years. I have been sort of my children’s since before they were born. These are bonds that have been created over our lifetimes.

I love my Dp very very much. But it’s not the same. If he left me tomorrow I would be heart broken, but then pick myself up and move on and eventually not love him anymore. If my brother cut me off, I wouldn’t be as sad but I would still love him.

Thanks everyone.

I understand the "it's a different kind of love" I get that. But to say "I love my mum and brother more than I love you and nothing will change that" I think is a bit heartless and cold. They've been through a lot together, his dad committed suicide when he was younger so I understand they have a strong bond HOWEVER being told that when I'm
Lying there half way through a pregnancy with his child it has hurt me.

There's always people saying "when your partner watches you give birth they will love you more than ever" but now I feel I'm just going to be waiting for that and it's not going to happen. In all honesty it's a big blow and I'm scared. I'm financially dependent, I earn more but it's not the life I imagined. Why's he never said this before ?

Context is everything. Of course i would never compare my love for my partner to my love for family, but why did your partner say this? What on earth provoked the topic?

@dudsville he brought it up when he'd had a few drinks Monday night. I didn't take it any further as after a few drinks probably not the best time.

So yesterday I asked him what he meant and he said "exactly that, I love my mum and brother more than I do you and I don't think anything will change that"

That's a bit of weird (incestal??) thing to say to a partner.
I love my kids more than anything else in the world but I'd never say it directly.
I would of just said "that's a weird thing to say to the woman carrying your baby." And seen what his reaction was.

@IntrovertedPenguin I did and I also said why was this never brought up BEFORE we decided to have a baby together

And his response is that that is just how he feels

Wow, what an awful thing to say.

Is it him that is against getting married?

@chella2 no I don't think so, he's said he wants to get married... but I'm the one who wants children at the wedding!

But now after that was said I'm not so sure, it's honestly made me feel rubbish..

He definitely shouldn’t have said it how he said it and I get why it hurts.

Please don’t invest yourself in the ‘well he will love me more after watching me give birth’ not sure who is telling you this as a fact. He loves you, there’s often euphoria around a birth and bonding. But it doesn’t mean that all of a sudden he will declare he loves you more.

Love really isn’t measurable. He may feel differently after. But sat waiting to give birth so he words something differently, is likely to end in disappointment.

I think you need to revisit this and let him explain without you getting very upset. It’s likely to be just a poor choice of words.

Let's just step back for a moment and breathe. Yes it was insensitive but maybe he is going through some sort of trauma with the new baby arriving and thoughts of his own father? Wait till you have had your son. Mother/son love is a special kind of love that you are going to have aren't you? You may understand then what he means. Don't be too hard on him.

I'm not even being hard on him. I told him how he said it had hurt me and that was it. Rather than hurt him I would rather ask peoples opinion because sometimes you can get carried away thinking you're opinion is right, I like to TRY and understand his point of view and usually people on here give different views to mine.

Read up on maternally enmeshed men and see if your partner displays any of the other signs. It's when a parents used a child to meet their unmet adult emotional needs, as a replacement partner. Can really mess people up as you don't have the bandwidth to think of another person.

If he does seem enmeshed, I'd be reconsidering the relationship as without introspection and therapy, it's impossible for men like this to fully commit to a romantic relationship. It's like competing with an 'other' woman.

Do you feel like he prioritises his mother over you regularly? Have you ever discussed how you feel with him?

It sounds even worse with your update. I was wondering if he first of all said it after a drink, not that I think that lessens it, I think drink can lead to truths being told. The conversation the next day sounds cold.

We all know there are different types of love, I know my husband loves his dad and I know he loves me differently, but I cannot imagine him ranking us because it doesn’t make sense to do so.

@Aprilx exactly! Why even bring it up int be first place I'd always presumed he loved everyone equally just in different ways. But now he's outright said that it's made me feel a bit worthless

I agree with this. Mine was the same. Absolute nightmare, he resented me for not putting up with the weird dynamic and her expectations. Only resolved in any way when MIL died.

But to say "I love my mum and brother more than I love you and nothing will change that" I think is a bit heartless and cold.

It is, and it's a weird thing to even be talking about to be honest. Does he have insecurities?

It sounds like he lacks empathy. I think he is emotionally quite immature and did not think about how you would feel when he said this.

Feeling a need to rank relationships like this, let alone to discuss it with you, is just odd. I wonder where that's come from which is why I wonder if he has some deep rooted insecurities.

A lot of us will feel a different kind of love between blood family, partners/ spouses, children and friends. Most people don't feel the need to make comparisons and certainly not verbally like that. It almost feels like he is saying 'know your place' - really unpleasant.

I would be questioning his emotional maturity and whether he is actually really ready to handle an adult relationship and children, OP.

I completely agree with this.

It's OK for it to be how he feels and as we can see on this thread, people can relate to feeling different kinds of love in different relationships.

What's not OK is the need to 'rank' you and tell you your place, and his complete lack of empathy and awareness of how that is going to impact your relationship.

I think you need to discuss this with him properly. Without making him feel bad about the love he has for his mum etc., but helping him understand why telling you your place in his ranking is not a helpful way to communicate with you. Verbalising that you are 'less' is not going to make you feel good - so why did he do it? Why did he feel the need to tell you this?

If he still can't understand how you feel or why what he said was problematic, then he is lacking an emotional maturity that for me would be essential in a partner.

I'd be worried about what kind of dad someone like this is going to be, with such a lack of empathy.

For men who are used to being their mother's surrogate partner, having a child creates a loyalty bind - where they feel angry and resentful at having to split their attention and loyalty between 2 families. Is his mother indirectly guilting him that he's going to forget about her with his new family? Or maybe he just feels guilty?

It's almost like he's reassuring himself that his loyalty to her won't be affected. And setting the expectation that between you both, he will be prioritising her. Really he's going to be a dad, his only priority should be the child and the mother of the child.

It's a good question to as him - if his mum and you both needed him at the same time for something, who would he instinctively go to? Answer the question yourself as well, what does you gut tell you he'd do. That's your answer.