Partner loves his mum and brother more?

[xttcbabyno1x]

Little back story , me and my partner have been together for 6.5 years now, I'm not a rush to marry kind of person I want children first and we have one on the way.

Last night he was telling me how he loved his mum and brother more than he loves me and it made me feel a bit nervous. I'm carrying his child and he says this to me?

Then he back tracks and says it's a different kind of love... but the first comment still sticks with me... I'm now not only worried about pregnancy but worried about the future and our little boy. I would never say that to him or do I feel that way.

Of course there is a difference between blood family, kids and partners.
For me - I certainly have a clear ranking of who is important to me; starting with kids, than my mom. But I don’t think there is a need to discuss it.

As far as your partner - I am not sure you have the grounds to be upset over what he said. You haven’t even decided if he is good enough to marry him. Expecting to be at the same level of importance as his family is a little double standard.

A mother and sibling have been with you all your life is you are the oldest sibling . The bond with a mother is very special and deep. The love for a partner who you haven’t known all your life and grown up with is very different. I don’t think you can compare them . He probably didn’t express himself very well that’s all. I’d be more worried if he didn’t love his mother and brother deeply.
Your child will be genetically part of both of you. Of course your partner will love your child, and loves you too. It’s just not the same sort of love that he has for you. That doesn’t mean it’s lesser.

@MMmomDD you can't assume I haven't decided he's good enough to marry? 😂

We have had the discussion and want to get married... sometimes it's hard to admit it's not something we could afford to spend £10,000 + on a wedding... money doesn't grow on trees.

I'm 20 weeks pregnant with his child, there's no need to rank us whilst I'm lying there having just told him I'm struggling with my emotions and how my body is changing anyway.

Thanks for your un-needed snarky comment.

@RosettaStormer and I understand that point of view completely I guess when I'm emotional anyway it was just hard to hear that he's ranking me. I love him unconditionally and it's a different kind of love to how I love my parents (i wouldn't want to marry them etc / have kids with them)

But I wouldn't out right say that. I wouldn't even bring it up as I knew it could potentially upset him.

Yes it’s thoughtless and stupid of him to have said it. I would let it go. Once your baby is born you’ll be a tight little unit and you as the mother of his child have an even more unique place in his life.

@RosettaStormer you're right! Hormones are definitely not helping so where as before I would've brushed it off, i took it to heart!

I'm not a rush to marry kind of person I want children first

Why-ever not?

Good reasons to not marry someone include that you are much wealthier than him or that he will give up or disrupt his career in order to care for the DC.

If you are the financially significantly stronger partner and don't mind putting your financially weaker partner at risk, then by all means do not get married and do have children together.

Otherwise ...

My advice is to give up the shine fantasy white wedding, get yourselves down to a registry office and get married before your child is born.

Secure yourself the legal protection that comes with marriage. No tax to be paid on transfers between married couples.

He shouldn't have said it out loud. But I get it.

@FinallyHere number 1) we're saving for it (he wants a big stag do etc) and we've just bought a house so aren't in the position to afford the wedding he wants.

2. if he asked I wouldn't say no and I've said that to him. Although I'm not in a rush doesn't mean I wouldn't. If he asked today I'd say yes. I don't want to pressure him therefore I'm not in a rush

@FinallyHere I'd be happy with that!! But he isn't unfortunately

This provides context. That form of loss at a young age will have profoundly changed the way he views his family, his support network and the trauma it will have caused all of them.

I think you can cut him some slack on this and not view it as a sort of warning sign of things to come. I imagine the extreme feelings of protection that he feels for them will never go away but it doesn't mean he loves you any less just differently.

I sort of get what he has said. It isn't that strange to think that at this moment in time he might have a deeper love for his mother and his brother, who he has known all his life, than for you with whom he is just starting a life.

Quite often we fall for the potential we see for a relationship rather than have a true deep and abiding love for a partner straight away. And falling in love is a different kind of love that is also partly lust etc.

However to say he loves them more and he can't see that changing is odd. Surely we only marry someone if we CAN see ourselves loving them extremely deeply in the future.

The way he said it was definitely cold too. I think you need to explore it further with him.

@beAsensible1 yes I do understand that of course it's going to. It's just the way he worded it and I'm over emotional at the moment. He probably didn't mean it in that way but that's how it came across and I had my back up. I like to get other opinions so then I can explain that although it hurt me, I understand his point it's just sometimes we cross wires and he says things abruptly and perhaps doesn't mean it in the way it is said.

@Holly60 you're exactly right! How it came acrosss was cold and I need to have a further chat with him. I'm hoping when we chat he will understand my point of view too.

Hope it all works out for you.

My opinion remains that it is risky for the financially weaker partner to have children without the protections of marriage. I find it difficult to understand why women continue to take these kind of risks for themselves snd their DC.

@FinallyHere he is the financially weaker partner. I have been open and honest and said that I'd be more than happy to get married before the baby comes but he wants to organise a big wedding.

Lots of couples have babies without getting married, it's not that unheard of.

But thank you for your comment.

Me too.

I'd worry he says he wants the big wedding because he knows it won't be possible right now, and he can keep pushing it into the future. Wouldn't be the first time on here.

Look after yourself, OP.

@butterfliedtwo perhaps you're right. I will look after myself and my little boy, thank you. Hopefully this isn't the case but it is hard to say.

Crosspost with OP on financial position. That's good.

@butterfliedtwo that was one of the main things I wanted to sort before having a baby. The house is in my name as I paid the deposit and I am In a good position financially so my little boy will never be without.

That's very good to hear. Good luck with everything.

@butterfliedtwo thank you so much x

I remember seeing a documentary ( Scandinavian setting) which looked at long care provision for young brain damaged people post strokes etc. One of the sad things was the fact that parents of the people with brain damage stayed in close contact and visited often. Wives and partners generally moved on and found new partners.
Many Mnetters are the first to point out how quickly they would leave husbands and partners for cheating of any kind. It does suggest that marital love isn't actually that strong, particularly as nearly half of marriages in the UK end in divorce.
Love between parents and child/children is usually more permanent.
there was a moving post on MN one Mothering Sunday by a woman whose mother had died. She was proud to say that she loved her mother more than anyone else and was bereft without her. It was clear that her husband was a secondary relationship.
Every post I read was so sympathetic and understanding about the loss of her mother. I do think if a man had written the same post there would have been outrage and dismissive cries of Mummy's Boy.

@anexcellentwoman I would never call him a mummy's boy as I don't think that's right to say. He's a grown man. I think he could just word things a little better, I've had time to think about it now and he's not very good with communication in general.

I understand his point, I just think he could've been more sensitive and said it in a different way. As many have suggested, it's a different kind of love completely and I do understand that.