How do you get past emotional abuse? I’m a wreck (TW abortion)

[Namechangedforthis12456]

Hi, I hope it’s ok to post this here. I’ve spent the past four hours crying again and I can’t bottle it up and pretend it didn’t happen anymore.

Around eight months ago I came across a man on tinder and we clicked instantly. Messaging all day every day, met up and had a 12 hour first date, I fell for him pretty quickly and he seemed to me. There were red flags but he always had a good reason. His ex was crazy, he did call and text constantly, that sort of stuff.

Early into dating we sexted on occasion and I stupidly mentioned that I was intrigued by threesomes in the heat of the moment. From this point onwards he became obsessed with making this happen. He started looking for someone and when he couldn’t find anyone he started messaging sex workers. At one point he had me messaging them too. I told him I was uncomfortable but he kept talking me around. Eventually he found an old tinder match that would be up for it and he started a group chat with her. I kept saying that I didn’t like it, I didn’t want to do it, I was uncomfortable but every time he just reminded me that it was my idea and I couldn’t let her down now. Eventually I put my foot down and said no. I got the silent treatment and he told me he needed to ‘think’ as he couldn’t cope with jealous women.

Things got worse when I found out I was pregnant. He never gave me a chance to think and told me an abortion was the best option so I had to do it. He’d tell me over and over that we had discussed it and both decided it was right but really it was him talking over me with all the reasons he wanted one.
I will admit at this point I didn’t act perfectly. I needed more time to think and he wanted an instant decision so I lied and told him I’d done it. Well when he found out he went mental, told me that was against the law, he’d put me in jail, report me to social services, take the baby off me and raise it himself so I’d never see it etc.
I ended up having the abortion he wanted and he was a nightmare about the whole process. I purposely booked it on a day he wouldn’t make it. He got me to set my live location on WhatsApp so he could track where I was, got me to request proof of the doctor (the proof wasn’t good enough), tried to get me to video the appointment so he could watch it back, made me call them 30 times in front of him after so he could talk to the doctor himself. He phoned the reception pretending to be my dad waiting in the car park to make sure I was really there. It was horrendous and he still doesn’t believe that I actually did it.

There was so much little stuff as well. Nothing ever felt straightforward. He’d say we will do this next week and then when I’d remind him it would be ‘you got it wrong, I didn’t mean it like that’. It particularly upset me when it was bad stuff. Due to his life being really hectic he said we might not be able to see each other for a month. When I got upset afterwards it was, ‘I didn’t mean it like that, you took it the wrong way, you’re so selfish, you never care about what I need’. He never picked up the phone when I called him but if he wanted to speak to me he’d repeatedly call until I answered. 37 times was the maximum before I gave in and answered.

He didn’t show up to my birthday and didn’t do much as get me a card.

This is going to sound insane but it’s true. He now blames me for him having a heart attack. When he found out that I didn’t go through with the abortion he had a heart attack. I really thought he was playing it up but I was wrong and it really happened. He’s now having heart surgery and it’s my fault.

I feel so torn and twisted. I know there is abuse there, it’s like I can feel it in my gut but I’m so worried about his health and I can’t turn it off. I don’t know how to find my way out of this.

You are not insane.

I did not get a card for my birthday either let alone a gift. Narcissists are famous for ruining special occasions and your birthday is one that particularly loathe.

I'm 8 months on the other side. Their exes are always crazy yet they still text them..my ex had 2 stalkers and text his ex all the way through. Saif she was like a little sister To him now. He'd slag her off when it suited and compare us.

Think of it like this

There's a brick wall infront of you right now. It's tall and dark and you need to get past it because your life is over The wall. Your old life. Which is peaceful and healthy and yours!!! You've got to get that wall down and it's going to be like taking each brick down as you work through it and those bricks represent all the women, lies, control and bullying you had to deal with it.

You are not alone there is a whole bunch of us out there that have cried a river over these men. I've sat and lost hours to the memories and the shock and the hurt. Absolutely devastated by all of it. I spent so much time with him. I loved him but it was never enough. He tricked me in more ways than one. He conned me into a false safety and made me believe I was going to be loved, supported and protected.

What you need to do.

Journal
Get a therapist
Watch you tube videos on narcissists
Keep busy with friends
Allow yourself time to face the pain font block it in. You need to think about it.
Self care!
Go out in nature.
Join forums for this type of abuse.
Talk to a Dr if your feeling awful.

I am sending you a big hug from one victim to another. You need to work so hard now on you and learn that he's not a real person. He didn't exist. He hid under a mask. It's OK to grieve the nice guy and the bad. It's all part of the trauma bond

Be open minded that his ex got the house for "free" because he never owned it with her and probably didn't pay. Narcissists are terrible with money and finances are often in a mess wherever they go. My ex left everything with his ex too..made himself sound the good guy. But he apparently never paid the bills or mortgage and she owned it for 4 years before he moved in anyway.

Mine also called the police. Narcissist. He's a narcissist and he lies to you about everything!!!!!!!

He wants you crying..begging. worried. He's a narcissist and probably a borderline. The mam is an absolute nut job and he's a psycho. If the police saw the messages etc they would arrest HIM foe harrasment and domestic abuse.

You are TRAUMA BONDED and scared amd confused because your heads trying to think like a rational person. But it's wasted. He is not a rational person. He's absolutely capable of telling the darkest lies.

My ex was slightly less mad than yours and he was awful!!! I mean he lied about everything. He was 48 and lied about his ex. His break up. His finances. His sexysl history. Being on dating apps.

Mine is that horrible he has no family. At Christmas he sits alone. He doesn't have anything to do with Christmas. No dinner no cards. Nothing. Because he's an empty Hollow cold unhappy man. Stewing in the past. He bullies women. Even the ex he clings onto because he actually had it great with her and she's happy to continue stroking his hair and telling him he's a poor little soul and she cares. She doesn't give him grief for the 8 affairs or the thousands of pound or even the double life he was living with a married woman. She's forgotten all that because when she found the strength to be done. He moved out. He cried. He put her photos on his house wall. He texted her for support and she felt sad for him so she started going round and she's continued to be his friend!!! So now he gets to rub her in everyone else face and then he gets to rub new women in her face.
Stupid people who don't know him think he's just grieving this relationship that he had with her and that she's simply important to him. But he's happy to destroy her and call her vile to get that victim attention he needs.

Trust me. I wanted to justify his behaviour too. But your dealing with someone closely related to a psychopath. He may even be a psychopath. He'd a dangerous controlling man. Emotional abuse destroys jist like physical. It leads to health issues. Depression. Anxiety. Nightmares. Even suicide. It's not normal what he's done and all his proving stuff.

He had to sign the house over because he probably was I'm debt or cheated or whatever. He lost his job because he messed up. My ex did the same. Sacked fir smoking weed. Insisted he wasn't smoking it. Yet he smoked it all the time. They will lie with chocolate round their mouths insisting they didn't raid the biscuits.

Get the help you need and stay away!

Chapter111 thank you for sharing your story. I particularly liked the brick wall analogy. That’s what it feels like at the moment. There are parts of my life that are starting to feel less foggy, like the lantern parade today and seeing my children overjoyed at Father Christmas. Then I get home and the memories creep in.

Tonight it’s thinking of all the times he made me go with him to Coyote Ugly. He used to watch the dancers and openly talk about how attractive he found them and rated them in front of me. I did once tell him that I didn’t like this and he said it was normal and all his friends in relationships talked about the other women they would sleep in front of their girlfriends.

I feel so angry that I let him treat me this way for so long. I always new it was wrong. I could feel it in the back of my mind, the pit of my stomach but he was always so good at justifying everything. I’d always end up feeling like I was overreacting.

Toxic I’ve come out of an emotionally abusive relationship and let me tell you it’s no joke. I have a daughter with him and he’s been blocked and I’m getting the help I need never go back or it will get much much worse x

I am so pleased that you are beginning to see it for what it is. You have kids? Honestly don’t expose them to this guy, he will ruin them and ruin your relationship with your kids. Get rid of him. The absolute self entitled creep blaming everyone else for his own brain being screwed up. Remember they can never get better. It’s just the default. The algorithm. Never open a door to him. Ever.

I would imagine that his family knows that he is looking at normal in the rear view mirror. If they believe anything about you, they probably wonder why you got involved with him in the first place.

Tempting to think but actually the family of origin is often the source of dysfunction and validate and encourage the abuser’s toxic behaviours. I would not put much stock in an abuser’s family validating your experience, they usually back the abuser because they’re all part of the same screwy dynamic.

Honestly, his family probably do think I’m crazy and the problem.

I was really disappointed with his mum when I found out about the pregnancy. She had him at fifteen (I don’t have an issue with that bit). What I have an issue with was her screaming at her son and basically telling him to make sure I had an abortion. I resented that she was allowed to make her own choice as a child but she didn’t believe I should be allowed to make my own choice in my 30’s.

There’s an extremely strange dynamic between him and his sister as well but it would be very outing if I explained it.

This man is truly awful but focussing on him stops you from doing the work you need to do on yourself. This man did a number/ is doing a number on you and you need to understand why you were susceptible to his controlling abuse. Unfortunately there are more arseholes like him out there and you are more susceptible to being targeted by another, if you don’t understand yourself better. Please, please seek support as a matter of urgency.