How do you get past emotional abuse? I’m a wreck (TW abortion)

[Namechangedforthis12456]

Hi, I hope it’s ok to post this here. I’ve spent the past four hours crying again and I can’t bottle it up and pretend it didn’t happen anymore.

Around eight months ago I came across a man on tinder and we clicked instantly. Messaging all day every day, met up and had a 12 hour first date, I fell for him pretty quickly and he seemed to me. There were red flags but he always had a good reason. His ex was crazy, he did call and text constantly, that sort of stuff.

Early into dating we sexted on occasion and I stupidly mentioned that I was intrigued by threesomes in the heat of the moment. From this point onwards he became obsessed with making this happen. He started looking for someone and when he couldn’t find anyone he started messaging sex workers. At one point he had me messaging them too. I told him I was uncomfortable but he kept talking me around. Eventually he found an old tinder match that would be up for it and he started a group chat with her. I kept saying that I didn’t like it, I didn’t want to do it, I was uncomfortable but every time he just reminded me that it was my idea and I couldn’t let her down now. Eventually I put my foot down and said no. I got the silent treatment and he told me he needed to ‘think’ as he couldn’t cope with jealous women.

Things got worse when I found out I was pregnant. He never gave me a chance to think and told me an abortion was the best option so I had to do it. He’d tell me over and over that we had discussed it and both decided it was right but really it was him talking over me with all the reasons he wanted one.
I will admit at this point I didn’t act perfectly. I needed more time to think and he wanted an instant decision so I lied and told him I’d done it. Well when he found out he went mental, told me that was against the law, he’d put me in jail, report me to social services, take the baby off me and raise it himself so I’d never see it etc.
I ended up having the abortion he wanted and he was a nightmare about the whole process. I purposely booked it on a day he wouldn’t make it. He got me to set my live location on WhatsApp so he could track where I was, got me to request proof of the doctor (the proof wasn’t good enough), tried to get me to video the appointment so he could watch it back, made me call them 30 times in front of him after so he could talk to the doctor himself. He phoned the reception pretending to be my dad waiting in the car park to make sure I was really there. It was horrendous and he still doesn’t believe that I actually did it.

There was so much little stuff as well. Nothing ever felt straightforward. He’d say we will do this next week and then when I’d remind him it would be ‘you got it wrong, I didn’t mean it like that’. It particularly upset me when it was bad stuff. Due to his life being really hectic he said we might not be able to see each other for a month. When I got upset afterwards it was, ‘I didn’t mean it like that, you took it the wrong way, you’re so selfish, you never care about what I need’. He never picked up the phone when I called him but if he wanted to speak to me he’d repeatedly call until I answered. 37 times was the maximum before I gave in and answered.

He didn’t show up to my birthday and didn’t do much as get me a card.

This is going to sound insane but it’s true. He now blames me for him having a heart attack. When he found out that I didn’t go through with the abortion he had a heart attack. I really thought he was playing it up but I was wrong and it really happened. He’s now having heart surgery and it’s my fault.

I feel so torn and twisted. I know there is abuse there, it’s like I can feel it in my gut but I’m so worried about his health and I can’t turn it off. I don’t know how to find my way out of this.

Wise words, I too think he was sacked and maybe the wife bought him out and he gambled it away.

Thinking about it… he could have been sacked. I can’t prove that he definitely quit, I only have what he told me. The only thing I will say is he wasn’t really a lier. It was actually the one thing he couldn’t tolerate in anyone and everything he ever said, no matter how batshit, he could prove.

It’s so strange. Half of me wants to see some kind of punishment for how he’s treated me. I don’t know whether to go to the police. Would they even take me seriously?
The other half is actually really worried about him. He’s in hospital at the moment and I can’t help but be concerned.

There was one instance where I had to take some medication where the instructions said to lie down for a couple hours afterwards. He wouldn’t let me move, at all. He put his arm over me and held me down so I couldn’t move. He never saw anything wrong with it. When I told him it was wrong he claimed he was ‘hugging’ me.

What the hell. If you don't see he's absolutely fucking crazy then I'm not sure there's anything else to be said... Nasty/toxic/evil people get ill, so what? Sounds the perfect time to get away and ghost him. Good luck 🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️

You're doing what I do love, going round and round in circles trying to understand it all...and you never will because he's a nasty evil bastard, just like my ex.

Re-focus your energy to getting yourself some counselling help to getting away and staying away - physically and emotionally. This man is never, ever, going to be any good for you and all he'll ever do is f*ck with your mind.

You poor, poor thing, I know how difficult this is but you can and will escape from it I promise.

I'm really puzzled as to why you'd think even a small man couldn't injure a woman.

They have significantly greater upper body strength than women regardless of size.

And anyone being violent enough had the potential to injure someone.

The fact that there was a "claim" he'd broken her arm, full stop .... Esp combined with his own Mum taking her side and saying it was true; means it is extremely likely it is true.

Which means he's (proven) physically dangerous as well as everything else.

It actually might she'd some light on the house sign over business .... I read that extreme physical abuse and resulting injuries are one of the few exceptions to the 50-50 joint asset division starting point in divorces. If it goes to court and is considered.

*shed

If you mean go to the police about harassment etc, certainly (or women's aid might be a gentler, easier way of reporting (with their help) ..... In terms of the coercion about a threesome and the coercion for the abortion; I doubt they could do much.

I'm not sure if abortion coercion is a crime.

Though coercive behaviour is ... So perhaps it could come under that.

The only thing I will say is he wasn’t really a lier

Bit he would appear to have lied about breaking his ex wife's arm.

There are very few people in the world who would like about something like that, and the fact that his own mother corroborates her is a massive indication it's true.

To the contrary he appears to get in first with his "version" and apparent proof of his version about several things ... In a way that a person telling the truth wouldn't feel the need to.

Good god OP. Engage your brain. He's a liar.
He has 100% lied to you that the police told him you'd be arrested.
(Among other lies).

It was actually the one thing he couldn’t tolerate in anyone and everything he ever said, no matter how batshit, he could prove.

Could he really though? Upthread I think you said he had 'proof' of something in the form of emails from a lawyer, but emails are incredibly easy to fake.

I should also add that my ex, who I eventually discovered had been lying and hiding things from me for pretty much our whole relationships, prided himself on being 'honest'.

He also accused me of lying and hiding things many times, even though he had no proof, for the simple reason that I wasn't doing the things he was accusing me of. That's what's known as projection. He was lying to me and hiding things from me, and because that's how he believes everyone thinks and acts, he was constantly suspicious that I must be lying to him and hiding things from him.

So the fact that your ex accuses you of lying and hiding things may well be a sign of projection.

He seemed so nice. He still does when you talk to him
STOP TALKING TO HIM.
Sorry to shout OP. You CANNOT afford to have contact with this highly manipulative & dangerous abuser.

We aren’t still together… his plan is that we remain friends until he can ‘trust’ me again because I lied about the abortion.
HIS plan?
He doesn't get to have a plan.
You get to block him.
He is not your friend.
You are not obliged to be his friend.

Can you see the manipulation now?
How he is holding the 'deal' of 'friendship' over your head, expecting you to jump through hoops to prove that YOU are worthy of his so-called friendship?

All the time you are allowing communication channels to be open to him, he is still controlling you.

Why would you want to be his friend?
Can you even answer that - or has he got your head so warped that you feel you OUGHT to be, because he demands it?
That you feel you need to carry on suffering his judgement until you are "worthy" of being a friend?

his plan is
His plan, his plan, his plan.
His plan to coerce you into a threesome you didn't want. His plan to manipulate you by telling you you're "not allowed" to refuse - "not allowed" to let this random woman down (he didn't care about her let down btw - only his own.) His plan to call sex workers & expect you to play along with it. His plan to abort. His plan to put you in jail & take your baby away (ludicrous!) if you did not comply. His plan to act like a madman contacting the clinic & demanding videos.

Now it's his plan to make you responsible for his heart attack. To use it against you, make you tale blame, feel bad ... so that you kowtow to his ridiculous plan to punish you by withdrawing attention until he judges you are re-qualified to be his 'friend'.

How long do you think he will take before his plan is to make you atone for your "terrible behaviour" (wanting charge of your own body! Wanting not to be coerced into sex or termination! The very idea!) by reluctantly providing him with sexual acts?
OP - he uses sex workers. That tells you how he sees women. As objects, purely there to service him.

So let me ask - where is YOUR PLAN in all this?
And ... if you feel able to say (remember you don't owe me or PP anything) ... what in holy hell happened to you in your early life, that you have been conditioned to accept such terrible treatment & didn't run screaming from this dreadful sexually coercive madman as soon as he started showing those early red flags you mentioned? Let alone escalating to pestering you for a threesome in the full knowledge you didn't want to?

Why are you sitting around meekly accepting his plan, instead of making your own - which should be to block him, delete him from all forms of contact, & never see or allow contact with him again?

If this is coming over harshly OP I genuinely apologise. But this man is so dangerous, I'm worried that you can't seem to see it, & keep hanging around for more abuse.

this! all of this. sometimes tough love is best.

This is far more likely than his scenario.

So here's the thing op, this is exactly how coercive control, gaslighting and emotional abuse works. The perpetrator (because that is what your ex is) confuses the person they are with with strange stories, constantly changing goalposts and boundaries, putting blame on them instead of taking responsibility for their actions and accusing them of being untrustworthy or making mistakes to the point where you get so bogged down in all of that nonsense that you can't see the relationship for the abuse that it is and you certainly can't clear your mind enough to make the sensible decision which is to leave. What you have described is textbook abuse. You cannot maintain contact with this man and move on in your life and feel better and safer, for as long as you allow him a way in he will exploit that to control you. You need to block him on absolutely everything, do not answer the phone to him, do not answer the door to him.

Please contact womens aid as they will help you to sort through the muddle he's left your mind in and it will take time but it won't be possible if you're in contact with him. This guy sounds dangerous. You are absolutely within your rights to report him to police because coercive control and emotional abuse is a crime. The way he is acting towards you is illegal.

And here's the thing, it's super super common for perpetrators to have a big worrying event after the relationship starts to break down, whether it's a suicide attempt/a car accident/a heart attack. Thing is - it doesn't matter. His health is not your responsibility its his. His stress is not your responsibility its his. His reactions to things are not your responsibility they are his. But it meets all of his needs to convince you that it's your responsibility because then he doesn't have to do anything differently or accept that he's in the wrong. I agree with posters who say you should apply for more information under Claires law. There's clearly been some form of abuse towards his ex wife and this guy is now repeating this behavior with you. You mention having kids. This guy is a direct threat to your children. Shut off all contact now and get support for yourself. You don't need him, your life will be infinitely better without him in it.

You can't be the cause of anyone needing heart surgery @Namechangedforthis12456 . Especially as he already had heart problems.

Definitely do a Clare's Law application. And block him on everything and don't answer the door to him.

Are you still on this thread OP and how are you?

Hey, I’m still here. Thank you all so much for the advice (even the tough love) it’s been much appreciated.

I wanted to believe there was still a shred of hope that he might be a decent person but I’ve realised that I was wrong and I need to go no contact.

After two days of not hearing from him other than a message from his sister saying he’s in the hospital, I got a phone call. I answered because I was genuinely really worried about him. He’s cold and horrible and tells me I’m the reason his operation isn’t taking. I can’t give him enough proof of the abortion therefore he knows I’m still pregnant and that the stress of this is the reason his surgery is failing. I need to send him more proof by tomorrow.

I’m completely done. Luckily I have the Christmas season with my kids to try and take my mind of it. We are going to the local lantern parade tonight so that will be nice.
I think I’m also going to call women’s aid tomorrow and talk it through with them. He’s convinced his entire family that I’m crazy and there’s this tiny bit that’s thinking maybe he’s right. I know that’s not true but it’s still there.

I’m actually really really angry. How dare he say his operation isn’t taking because he’s so stressed out over whether I’m pregnant.

So I’m the reason for his heart attack and I’m also the reason his health is ‘ruined’ and I’m also the reason the surgery isn’t taking. Is there anything else I can be blamed for at the minute? Clearly I’m to blame for the cost of living crisis… and while we’re at it let’s blame me for Margaret next door but ones boiler not worker.

Fucking arsehole.

So he thinks abortion is a contraception choice for men who don’t want to wear a condom?! Throw this abusive, sexist, nasty little prick back OP. You can do so much better, he’s not a nice guy, not even close.

I would imagine that his family knows that he is looking at normal in the rear view mirror. If they believe anything about you, they probably wonder why you got involved with him in the first place.

Much of what this man has said to you is suspect and probably did not happen in the way that he claims.

You should seek out some therapy for yourself, and try to determine why you would drawn to and continue to want to see such a person. It might even be helpful to bring a copy of your posting to show the therapist.

In the mean time, you should block his and his family's numbers in your phone and concentrate on enjoying the holidays with your family.

Oh tell him to fuck off. Seriously, next time he calls you to blame you for something like that, tell him to fuck off and hang up. If he keeps call him, tell him to leave you alone or you’ll go to the police. You need to stop caring about what he thinks of believes. He’s a bully and I’d bet my arse he did break his ex’s arm.

He’s convinced his entire family that I’m crazy and there’s this tiny bit that’s thinking maybe he’s right. I know that’s not true but it’s still there

I think it would be a really good idea for you to do the Freedom Programme