Hi, I hope it’s ok to post this here. I’ve spent the past four hours crying again and I can’t bottle it up and pretend it didn’t happen anymore.
Around eight months ago I came across a man on tinder and we clicked instantly. Messaging all day every day, met up and had a 12 hour first date, I fell for him pretty quickly and he seemed to me. There were red flags but he always had a good reason. His ex was crazy, he did call and text constantly, that sort of stuff.
Early into dating we sexted on occasion and I stupidly mentioned that I was intrigued by threesomes in the heat of the moment. From this point onwards he became obsessed with making this happen. He started looking for someone and when he couldn’t find anyone he started messaging sex workers. At one point he had me messaging them too. I told him I was uncomfortable but he kept talking me around. Eventually he found an old tinder match that would be up for it and he started a group chat with her. I kept saying that I didn’t like it, I didn’t want to do it, I was uncomfortable but every time he just reminded me that it was my idea and I couldn’t let her down now. Eventually I put my foot down and said no. I got the silent treatment and he told me he needed to ‘think’ as he couldn’t cope with jealous women.
Things got worse when I found out I was pregnant. He never gave me a chance to think and told me an abortion was the best option so I had to do it. He’d tell me over and over that we had discussed it and both decided it was right but really it was him talking over me with all the reasons he wanted one.
I will admit at this point I didn’t act perfectly. I needed more time to think and he wanted an instant decision so I lied and told him I’d done it. Well when he found out he went mental, told me that was against the law, he’d put me in jail, report me to social services, take the baby off me and raise it himself so I’d never see it etc.
I ended up having the abortion he wanted and he was a nightmare about the whole process. I purposely booked it on a day he wouldn’t make it. He got me to set my live location on WhatsApp so he could track where I was, got me to request proof of the doctor (the proof wasn’t good enough), tried to get me to video the appointment so he could watch it back, made me call them 30 times in front of him after so he could talk to the doctor himself. He phoned the reception pretending to be my dad waiting in the car park to make sure I was really there. It was horrendous and he still doesn’t believe that I actually did it.
There was so much little stuff as well. Nothing ever felt straightforward. He’d say we will do this next week and then when I’d remind him it would be ‘you got it wrong, I didn’t mean it like that’. It particularly upset me when it was bad stuff. Due to his life being really hectic he said we might not be able to see each other for a month. When I got upset afterwards it was, ‘I didn’t mean it like that, you took it the wrong way, you’re so selfish, you never care about what I need’. He never picked up the phone when I called him but if he wanted to speak to me he’d repeatedly call until I answered. 37 times was the maximum before I gave in and answered.
He didn’t show up to my birthday and didn’t do much as get me a card.
This is going to sound insane but it’s true. He now blames me for him having a heart attack. When he found out that I didn’t go through with the abortion he had a heart attack. I really thought he was playing it up but I was wrong and it really happened. He’s now having heart surgery and it’s my fault.
I feel so torn and twisted. I know there is abuse there, it’s like I can feel it in my gut but I’m so worried about his health and I can’t turn it off. I don’t know how to find my way out of this.