Coping with an insecure boyfriend

[Priorityguineapig]

Hi all,

Just this really. He has always been like this and I kinda thought it would wear off in time as he got to know me but it’s exhausting. texting or calling I’m ok if the ‘tone of my text’ is off, excessive worrying if I’m slightly later home (we don’t live together) than I planned, even referring to old texts - on WhatsApp via the reply function to highlight tiny inconsistencies in something - like I said I did something twice, then today I said it was a few times and he goes back weeks to find the message where I said it was twice - I mean come on, it’s wasn’t even anything important.

If I call him out he just apologises a lot and says he will try and curb his anxiety and overthinking and I don’t think it’s malice (he never accuses me of cheating or anything even big) but it’s very wearing. He is amazing in every other way, seriously, very kind, funny, generous, attentive everything so I don’t want to just dump him but I do need a better way to manage it.

i know some people complain about not getting a text back, but sometimes if I don’t reply and he knows I’m off work etc he gets worried he has upset me?! I’m talking max an hour or 2 I have never left him all days etc

please help! Advice?!

Run away.

This never gets any better. It can only get worse.

You say he's great in other ways but to me, This is a huge dealbreaker. It won't get better, so maybe it's wise to get a clean break whilst you can.

@NeverDropYourMooncup this is my worry! Do you have experience?

and when you say worse, will it turn to things like cheating etc I only say this as I know that’s a red flag for emotional abuse etc

@Moonshine74 honestly he is, we met before my birthday and bought be a present and planned something, he is very understanding about things, I can talk to him about anything and strangely when I have an issue and he can kinda swoop in an support me and be kind, he is very kind bless him, he is his least anxious but it’s exhausting and I really don’t want to start having to worry about the way I text or something

Does he have other people in his life, does he have a job, hobbies, interests, a life?
It sounds like you are his only focus.
If you like him enough to stay with him, you'll need to encourage him to put his energy into a lot of other things.

@CherrySocks he works full time and has interests but when he is doing them or at work (although a flexible job so can text a lot still as he is often out and about) he will text or call to say something like - don’t worry im not ignoring you, or I will be back as soon as possible etc when really I wouldn’t mind if he was busy for a while

Run, like Usain Bolt.

I'm actually feeling anxious, stressed& suffocated just reaching your post.

He's a dementor... Doesn't matter whether it's intentionak.or not.

Most abuse isn't, strictly speaking, intentional.

He needs to do a shot tonne of work on himself before he is fit for a healthy relationship, he may never be.

it’s exhausting

This is not good for your mental or even physical health

I was with a man like this for about a year in my twenties. It was horrendous. I once walked to get food for our dinner and because I didn't answer my phone and was all of ten minutes late, he quizzed me on where I had been and who with, reduced me to tears. I'd literally been to get dinner stuff and walked back to his (shithole) bedsit. He was emotionally abusive yes and would often say stuff like "if you're late that means I can go out and not tell you where I've been" and "if you have a cigarette with your friends and not tell me that's the same as me being allowed to cheat". Odd man, and a year of my life I won't get back

Ick. No thanks. So cloying.

@LemonDrop22 yup reading it back I’m exhausted second time over

@Coconutcream123 this is what I’m worried about - where it could go!

It’s like he is worried for me too, so will also ‘reassure’ me of things I don’t need reassurance for about him

Bloody hell, op. Wha are you waiting for? Where is your line in the sand? Dump him. Fast.

@pictish what is Cloy?

OP - there was a thread on almost exactly the same lines this weekend. Find 'insecure boyfriend' and read the replies.

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain thanks I will!

Get rid

He is amazing in every other way, seriously, very kind, funny, generous, attentive

It's worth pointing out that people who are ..... essentially abusive (even if it's not malicious as such) commonly act very super nice and supportive etc etc because they are over compensating.

They know if they don't, their victim, ahem partner, won't have anything to weigh the shit/bad side of the scale off against, and they'll probably not stay with them.

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain is it the one where the OP wants to leave him?

There you go. Almost exactly the same as you

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4681435-bf-is-insecure-and-needy-can-it-work?page=1

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain thank you

Throw this one back in the sea. You can't have a healthy relationship with someone like that.

Yes, it all went quiet after she wondered how to get out of the relationship and pp told her how so no idea what she decided to do.

I was in a similar situation. 2 years I lasted. I wanted to give him a fair chance as the anxiety was from previous unhappy experience and it was only fair to give him chance to grow some trust in me which I thought would come in time. After 2 years it wasn't getting any better so I had to end it, it was no way to live in the end.
He had learnt I was trustworthy but he wouldn't let go of the behaviour, he didn't say so but even though he agreed it was unhealthy he never attempted to stop it (no self examination, no outside advice or therapy, no effort to try to look for other ways to get reassurance) so he put me in the position of putting up and shutting up (though he never said that - it was just the net result of his hands over his ears, metaphorically).
The deciding factor was that despite being told the effects of the behaviour he never did anything to try to address the root cause so that he could heal the trauma and stop it polluting what we had. It was just an ever-present thing, in the end the behaviour was as big in the relationship as any of the other really good factors (lots of good factors) and had me living on edge.
So I think you need to have a proper talk, if his response is to listen and consider what he's doing, it's effects and where it stems from within him, then he goes about working out how to build himself up to a point where he can leave these destructive coping mechanisms behind, then great. Give him time, if he's working on it he'll get there.
If he pays the problem lip service or doesn't credit your statement about what this does to you (and the relationship). with due validity, so the only solution is for you to do lots of work thinking about what you can do to manage it while he steers an unwavering course of business as usual... then it doesn't have a future unless you are content to live like this forever (but your nerves will be shot to pieces eventually)

@Priorityguineapig honestly get rid of him. It won't get any better. How long has it been, will it be easy to get rid?
It drives you insane, any man I dates after him as soon as they showed this red flag I got rid of them pretty much. The expecting you to answer or respond straight away, quizzing you on where you've been and who with when there's no reason to doubt you, it will spiral and get worse.