Is my husband gay?

[Confused571]

So I’m really looking for anyone who’s in the same position as me.
I think my husband is gay.
does anyone have any advice on how to find out if he is (I have asked him already of course).
also if anyone has been in this situation what were the signs?
its pretty lonely as I have no one to talk to about it….
signs are -
lack of interest in sex with me and previous relationships

• emotional distance
• very secretive around computer - uses incognito etc
• can’t tell me a single famous woman he fancies

just altogether strange behaviour - often out late with no explanation, lots of male friends who have no partner and have never had a girlfriend since I’ve known them (years). There’s more but I can’t think of it now

Honestly, it sounds like you’re hoping he’s gay just so you have an answer.

He could be gay but he may also not be and could be asexual, have an OW, have depression, a porn addiction or not that into you.

Was this an arranged marriage?
Is separating frowned upon in your culture?

I’m wondering why you’re still with him if the relationship isn’t working (and has always been like this it seems) and it seems the only way you can end the relationship is if he comes out as gay.

Have you ever met a heterosexual man?

Noticing pretty/attractive/sexy women is their biggest "hobby" from young teen years.

My dh doesn't fancy famous women. He also doesn't watch porn. He's also not gay. Sigh

I notice attractive women and also men.

People are different

Have you ever met a heterosexual man?

Noticing pretty/attractive/sexy women is their biggest "hobby" from young teen years.

Many men will also lie and say they don’t find other women attractive as their partners may feel jealous or insecure.

Some people also can’t be attracted to someone unless they’ve met them in real life.

I don’t think him saying he doesn’t fancy a female celeb indicates he’s gay.

If anything if he were gay but was ashamed of it he’d be the complete opposite and pretends he fancies female celebrities, especially as OP has brought up the gay thing before.

How long have you been together? Why can't you separate? It doesn't seem as though there's much in it for you.

Yes very robotic and he preferred to receive.

Receive what?

1. Blow jobs- he could just be a selfish dick.
2. A massive strapon from you, while wearing a Justin Beiber mask- I think him being gay is very possible.

Suggest number 2 and see whether he takes you up on it.

Honestly whether he's gay or not seems irrelevant, he's not making you happy and not willing to change, so it seems like there is only one option left.

You'll know he's gay if he fucks men or is looking at gay porn etc.

Having a low sex drive does not make a person gay.

Not everyone fancies celebrities.

Don't drive yourself mad trying to figure out if he's lying about his sexuality. Figure out if you're unhappy and want to end the marriage... you can do that even if he's straight.

This mad me chuckle 🤭

Possibly depression?
Like others have said it doesn't matter which option is the right one. It's whether you're happy in the situation as it does sound like he's willing to put the work to improve things.

Meant doesn't sound like...

Yes he’s said he’s depressed, impotent, stressed at work. He’s said everything to try and explain why we don’t have sex.

He’s said other couples don’t have sex either and ‘oh well you knew I was like this when you married me’. I guess he’s right there!
I agree I’m very unhappy with the situation and would like to leave.

Just for a different perspective: I hit almost everything on your list except the staying out bit. Not gay, asexual or cheating, just unhappy and unloved by partner.

Approach from the you not being happy angle and see where it goes?

I agree I’m very unhappy with the situation and would like to leave.

Well, there you go then. If you don't have kids it's a no brainer. If you do I certainly think I'd make sure I'd tried everything to make it work- it sounds like you have and he just isn't listening. The reason it doesn't work is only relevant if it's something you can fix.

I can't imagine being married to someone I didn't know well enough to be sure they weren't gay- that distance will still be there if he's straight.

Some people are just not into sex

Ask him?
Just an idea

You seem to want to prove he's gay to have a reason to leave. You don't need to do that - it's clear that neither of you are happy, and there's no prospect of that changing. You need to have a frank conversation with him about splitting up.

I did ask him and he replied ‘that’s not helping’.
didn’t really answer the question :-/

Do they acknowledge that to their partners though typically or do they pretend there are other reasons that they can’t or don’t want to have sex?

If you're asking him important questions about your relationship that have an obvious and significant emotional effect for you, and he's brushing you off, then whether he's gay or not isn't the issue. He's not concerned about how you feel. There's no wonder your not happy. Stop analysing him, and analyse yourself; your life is about you, after all, not him.

Why do you need the answer to the inner working of the mind of a man who simply isn't able to offer you what you want? Why don't you feel you can walk away?

has anyone else experienced this? What signs were there if your husband was gay please?

The regularity with which these threads crop up suggests at least one other person has had a similar experience. Maybe more than one, although I think one or two were deleted for trolling so be careful who you trust if they reply.

Seems like the real question is is he attracted to you personally? If not, it doesn't really matter why. Q

Yes, it sounds like he probably is. Especially with the computer incognito thing.

Try to let go of the “is he gay / isn’t he gay” thing. All that really matters is that you are unhappy together. You deserve to be cherished, desired and made mad love to. This man is never going to make you happy. There are plenty of nice guys in the world who’d love to have crazy hot sex with you. Why are you feeling stuck with this one? Just quietly sort out your finances, get a job / childcare if you need to, then tell him that it’s over and move out. You don’t need his permission, you don’t need a reason, you don’t need to know if he’s gay or not (although clearly, he is 😬). Just move now towards the future in which you have a chance at being happy. With him, only misery and slow destruction of your confidence awaits.

If sex is important to you, and you were aware that it was also an issue in previous relationships, how did he move from boyfriend to husband? 🧐

instead of asking is he gay, ask if he would have sex with another man (men are weird like that - lots will have sex with men but say they are straight). He may give a different answer to the gay question.

Ok thanks - that’s helpful