Husband and ADHD

[Tedwards123]

My husband was diagnosed with ADHD in February. He hid the diagnosis from me (he said its a private matter, and he’s very secretive by nature) and I only found out because I found the tablets.

There’s a backdrop of him blindsiding me with things in our relationship - his impulsive behaviour / not thinking through the consequences is as a result of his ADHD, but hiding his diagnosis was almost the final straw for me. We have two young kids, one of whom is struggling at school - so his diagnosis is relevant and it is not a private matter in my mind.

We’ve been having counselling since the summer. I thought we were making some progress. The counsellor is vastly experienced in ADHD and ASD; every scenario I give her, she can explain away (robustly) as his ADHD brain. Which is helping me to understand why he is as he is/why he does what he does, but it doesn’t make me feel better about the stuff he’s done.

On Tuesday night I discovered he’d put a spy camera in our bedroom. When I asked him about it, he lied (apparently his ADHD means he can’t process things quickly when under pressure so says the first thing that comes to mind), and promised me it didn’t have a camera in it. The truth eventually came out, I stayed calm, despite being upset and feeling violated. He’s not even sorry for what he’s done. He’s paranoid that I am snooping on him, paranoid because things in his office keep moving (I never go in his office! But we’ve got two kids who do!), paranoid I’ve hired a private investigator (erm, that’ll be a no!), and feels he’s ‘justified in his actions’. I’m at a loss.

I saw an old thread on this and read with interest. I know from that there are others in this group with ADHD spouses. At what point do you accept that ADHD isnt enough of a reason for behaviour, and walk away? I feel like I’m going insane as I can’t talk to anyone about this who knows him as they all think he’s wonderful, fun, talkative…

Any advice from those with ADHD spouses?

x

Back up OP

Forget about ADHD. Forget about it.

He put a SPY camera in your bedroom.

you need to woman up Op, and fast. You need to leave. And don’t give ADHD another thought. Irrelevant

I have ADHD, it takes me longer to process things and I'm impulsive.
I however would never dream of installing a camera in anyones private space. That's not ADHD behaviour, that's just creepy.

Most folk with ADHD wouldn't use it as an excuse to do weird stuff or to lie.
Same with ASD. In fact, a lot of ASD people are the most honest because they can't see the point in protecting other's feeling with a white lie.
Control is an ASD issue, not sure about paranoia. That is more concerning.
Not all folk with those diagnoses is the same- it is a spectrum, I am generalising.
Irrespective of anyone's diagnosis, spying and controlling behaviour is never acceptable.

Absolutely

Nah the ADHD has nothing to do with him putting a spy camera in the bedroom. He's delusional there. Jesus Christ.

Forget ADHD.

He installed a spy camera in your bedroom.

You need to plan your exit from this marriage.

I’m waiting on an official diagnosis

I’m not an arsehole, I would never install a spy camera on my spouse. Those two things are not related. It’s got nothing to do with his ADHD.

Spy cameras and paranoia have nothing to do with ADHD.

I have ADHD. Putting a spy camera in your bedroom is not ok, and there is no medical condition that requires you to accept this violation of privacy and trust.

Not even an explanation! He might as well have said "But I have green eyes"!!
ADHD comes with many challenges, but being an abuser is not one of them. What an arse.

I think there's more than ADHD going on here OP, did you know ADHD and ASD make you more susceptible to personality disorders. Have a look at paranoid personality disorder and see if it rings and bells.

Also get rid of the therapist IMO, if it is PPD then she is basically feeding it rather than making him at all accountable for his behaviour. She is excusing everything he does and making you feel you have to accept all this shit because it's not his fault - even if it's not PPD then that is not acceptable. He is loving having the green card to do as he pleases I expect because his bad behaviour is being validated by her.

Tell her about the spy camera and see what she makes of that. If she's not seriously concerned and still just explaining it away as ADHD then you'll know for sure she's delusional.

I have ADHD and I hate it when people try to pretend that ADHD negative behaviours aren't ADHD. But I am struggling to understand how putting a spy camera in your bedroom is anything to do with ADHD! Nor is paranoia. Could there be other mental health conditions going on? As PP have said much more likely to have other MH conditions if you are ND.

That's nowt to do with ADHD. That's someone using it or any excuse not to take responsibility.

The camera, the paranoia isn’t ADHD.

And I’d find a counsellor for yourself. Because it might be right to explain his behaviour with his ADHD BUT it doesn’t mean you have to live with ut and accept any and all behaviours from him.
It doesn’t matter if his actions are due to ADHD. If you can’t live with it, it’s ok to throw the towel and say enough is enough.

I’d be interested to see how the counsellor would explain away him spying in you with a hidden camera because if his ADHD tbh

This with bells on. I also have ADHD.

In total agreement with the other responses here. My other half has severe ADHD, diagnosed in his late 40s. He can be infuriating - very impulsive, can't seem to do chores, struggles with taking responsibility for anything, and yes, sometimes lies - but he'd never put a secret camera in the bedroom. It does seem like your husband has some kind of unrelated paranoid disorder going on. I think either he addresses it, or you should make plans to leave. It's a really stressful situation to be around and you need to feel safe with your kids.

Don't wanting to worry you more OP, but do you think there's any chance he has a coke problem? It can cause bad paranoia - an old friend of mine ended up thinking that people were spying on him through his phone, also breaking into his house. Hopefully you can rule that one out but just thought it was worth mentioning.

1. any chance the paranoia could be a side affect of the meds?
2. When you found the tablets were they labelled with his name? Seems strange that the waiting list for adhd adult assessment is over 2 years and he never mentioned he was going to get assessed in all that time, let along that he had been diagnosed.

ADHD (I have it) makes me lose my keys a million times a day, or forget the most important item and very reason I went to the supermarket.

It doesn't make me an abuser.

You have an abusive husband who is a liar.

Nothing to do with ADHD.

I also know a fair few people of different ages who have it, actually the most charming, gentle and lovely people in my family/friendship group, so he can fuck off using ADHD as an excuse for his abuse. (Swearing is an ADHD thing )

Sounds to me he is using ADHD as an excuse, but using a spy camera is very toxic

Abso fucking lutely

It's nothing to do with ADHD and it's offensive to suggest that your abusive creep of a husband has installed a spy camera because of his ADHD. WTF!!!

I have ADHD and I am autistic and I would NEVER install a spy camera nor would it cross my mind to do anything like this.

Him being a creepy, controlling arsehole is nowt to do with ADHD. He’s just a gross, horrible man.