Husband and ADHD

[Tedwards123]

My husband was diagnosed with ADHD in February. He hid the diagnosis from me (he said its a private matter, and he’s very secretive by nature) and I only found out because I found the tablets.

There’s a backdrop of him blindsiding me with things in our relationship - his impulsive behaviour / not thinking through the consequences is as a result of his ADHD, but hiding his diagnosis was almost the final straw for me. We have two young kids, one of whom is struggling at school - so his diagnosis is relevant and it is not a private matter in my mind.

We’ve been having counselling since the summer. I thought we were making some progress. The counsellor is vastly experienced in ADHD and ASD; every scenario I give her, she can explain away (robustly) as his ADHD brain. Which is helping me to understand why he is as he is/why he does what he does, but it doesn’t make me feel better about the stuff he’s done.

On Tuesday night I discovered he’d put a spy camera in our bedroom. When I asked him about it, he lied (apparently his ADHD means he can’t process things quickly when under pressure so says the first thing that comes to mind), and promised me it didn’t have a camera in it. The truth eventually came out, I stayed calm, despite being upset and feeling violated. He’s not even sorry for what he’s done. He’s paranoid that I am snooping on him, paranoid because things in his office keep moving (I never go in his office! But we’ve got two kids who do!), paranoid I’ve hired a private investigator (erm, that’ll be a no!), and feels he’s ‘justified in his actions’. I’m at a loss.

I saw an old thread on this and read with interest. I know from that there are others in this group with ADHD spouses. At what point do you accept that ADHD isnt enough of a reason for behaviour, and walk away? I feel like I’m going insane as I can’t talk to anyone about this who knows him as they all think he’s wonderful, fun, talkative…

Any advice from those with ADHD spouses?

x

He put a camera in your bedroom and has been filming you naked,in various states of undress and possibly doing sexual things with him or alone without your knowledge or consent.

Are you aware this is a criminal offence and he could be arrested and charged?

There is no medical condition;neurodiverse or not that excuses this.This is abuse.

Never go to marriage counselling with an abuser.

You need to make plans to end this relationship.

One of my friends has ADHD and I suspect my partner has. Both have a moral compass and would never dream of putting a spy camera anywhere . He may have ADHD but he's also not a good person , the two things are not linked. Leave.

Do you have a love life? Not any more I would think with a camera in the room - a nail in the coffin moment moment when he set that up!

Erm... no.

Being adhd myself, no it is not an excuse to put a spy camera in your house!
Being neurodiverse is not an excuse to be abusive. It is an entirely separate thing!

I would never do anything like that and he's using it an excuse. Just get rid of this idiot of an excuse for a man.

Also abusers often wear a mask to everyone else and you get different treatment at home.

Read up on lundy Bancroft why does he do that. See if you recognise your husband in any of them. If you google free pdf, can get a free download.

Adhd is impulsive.

Putting a camera in the bedroom isn't in impulsive. It requires premeditation and planning.

HIding the ADHD and medication, I'd argue would be something that could be justified (embarassment but trying to seek help).

Sticking a camera in your bedroom on the other hand isn't.

Don't conflate the issues.

Your issue is the creep your married to, doesn't respect you and doesnt seek your consent to film.

Either he’s got psychosis or he’s a complete evil stalker weirdo. Google psychosis. Google narcissistic personality disorder.

Separately to this, he may also have ADHD.

Have you found any other meds? Paranoia to this level could be indicative of something such as schizophrenia for example.

Also, most of us with ADHD find oversharing a massive issue. So for him to be secretive and hiding his diagnosis seems really weird. (Happy to be told otherwise on this but that’s my experience)

Call the police, report the camera. Leave. Get the kids away as quickly and safely as possible.

What exactly are the meds? I’m prepared to get hard cash that they’re not for ADHD, and he’s delusional and I’ll also bet that if there ARE meds, they’re antipsychotics, and he isn’t taking them.

ADHD my arse.

I’m also worried about the counsellor you are seeing. They explain the behaviour away? That very much sounds like colluding to me. For the record you should NEVER have couples counselling with an abusive partner.

agree with everyone else.

i was on methylphenidate too and it did make me paranoid. i had to add that.

i don't believe your dh though.

also thinks shouldn't just be explained away by an adhd counsellor or therapist. having adhd isn't an excuse for bad behaviour

sooooo true about camera not being compulsive!!!!

My ADHD means that:

If I've spent over 2 hours with you, you'll likely know my entire life story

I may well interrupt you frequently (I hate that I do it and am trying desperately to get better at controlling it) as discussing a comparative experience feels like a way to connect and create a bond in some way

I can't tackle a supermarket without music playing through headphones or I get overwhelmed and leave without something important - or on occasion anything at all!

I feel like an emotion sponge and its exhausting and embarrassing in equal measure

I can only tolerate comfortable clothes

If I can hear more than 2 sources of noise (such as 2 people speaking and the tv) I'll likely freak out, shout or shut down

I miss all my appointments, shy away from "life admin" and procrastinate to the point that its had a hugely detrimental effect on my life

I'll get out of bed up to 3 times a night to pull my bottom sheet tight as I feel like my legs are being smothered if it comes slightly loose

If I need to be on time - I have to aim to be there an hour ahead of time

Your husbands behaviour doesn't sound remotely linked to an ADHD diagnosis. I don't think I'm bold in suggesting he's just a manipulative, abusive prick.

Pack up and fuck off. Seriously, I'd consider that a potentially dangerous man to share a home with!

I’m a mum to an adult male with ADHD along with ASD and many other letters.

First thing that always amazes me when I read these posts, someone doesn’t develop ADHD (or ASD), they always have it. Did you not notice these things while you were dating and before you got married?

Secondly, many of these things you describe are not due to ‘an ADHD brain’ at all, he’s just an arsehole and given the camera thing a creepy arsehole at that.

The only response I have is that my ADHD husband would never cross that line.

He’s creepy and he’s violated your privacy - the ADHD is irrelevant.

I’ve got severe combined ADHD and would never, ever do this! I unplug my cat cam when I have guests over so that nobody is being recorded against their wishes, I even feel awkward saying goodbye to guests when they’re stood in front of the ring doorbell.

Your husband is a fucking creepy prick, excuse my French!

I'm autistic and have ADHD, and one of the things is that we can be passionately certain that we're absolutely in the right and it can be hard to see another perspective. Even though we know this is a trait, it's common to think "ah yes, but that doesn't apply here because I'm CLEARLY in the right here!!"

So in terms of your DH not understanding that he's in the wrong, that could be why.

I can't quite understand from your post his rationale for putting a spy camera in the bedroom? If he thinks his office is being messed with, why put it in the bedroom?

Look, it would be very easy for me to come on here and instantly damn him for putting the camera in the bedroom. It's an awful thing to do and of course you feel violated!!! What I'm trying to do is offer a more balanced perspective and understand what was going through his brain when he put the camera there. Sometimes a solution to a problem seems very clear, and it's only later that it becomes obvious that it was a fucking terrible idea.

Please don't misunderstand. I'm not suggesting you should smile sweetly and pretend everything is OK. But putting a camera in the bedroom is such a gross invasion of your privacy and your rights, I'm assuming that it's a solution that he has jumped to without considering things properly and now is blind to why it's problematic. Unless he has a history of being controlling and creepy?

Ref the wider issue of ADHD, people on MN tend to not understand neurodiversity very well. It's not easy living with a brain that just sees things differently and responds in ways that a NT person (and most of the world) doesn't expect or appreciate. What your counsellor is saying may well be true. Many of the issues you're raising may be an ADHD brain thing.

However - and this is crucial - you can still decide that you don't want to accept those behaviours. Just because your DH isn't doing something maliciously doesn't mean that you don't get to decide that it crosses a boundary for you. ADHD is exhausting to live with, and not just for the person whose brain it is. If you don't want to deal with it any more, that's perfectly OK.

TLDR: ADHD doesn't make you a creep, but it can sometimes make you come up with terrible ideas, and unable to see another perspective. You don't have to put up with it.

Having ADHD and being a twat aren’t mutually exclusive. Staying in a relationship with this man also means staying with the twatty part of him. The version of him that doesn’t prioritise his wants over you and your children isn’t waiting around the corner.

This is who he is, it’s time you accept it and move on, instead of waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Thanks everyone for your comments, reading appreciate your thoughts.

He’s not shown signs of being controlling before, but now I’m over analysing and second guessing everything, which I hate.

He’s on methylphenidate, and he’s always been very anti drugs, so I doubt he’s on other drugs - but again, I now feel like I don’t know him.

And yes, I have no idea why he put the camera in the bedroom when he thinks I’m snooping in his office. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m speaking to the counsellor separately today, but I won’t be continuing with him.

I'm suspected ADHD, not diagnosed at the min, but jeez not a chance! He is a dick.

The counsellor is vastly experienced in ADHD and ASD; every scenario I give her, she can explain away (robustly) as his ADHD brain.

I would seek a counsellor.

Gaslighting and emotional abuse and coercive control.

Ltb.

Me? I'd leave. He is paranoid that you are snooping on him because he is being secretive about things that affect you. Get to fuck with that.

Would couples councelling help, on top of the other? Because ADHD or not, he is an adult and should behave like one. Under these conditions he isn't behaving like an adult and using ADHD as an excuse to be a dick.

Look, it would be very easy for me to come on here and instantly damn him for putting the camera in the bedroom. It's an awful thing to do and of course you feel violated!!! What I'm trying to do is offer a more balanced perspective and understand what was going through his brain when he put the camera there

there is no justifying and balanced opinion on someone putting a camera in your bedroom then lying about it. None at all.

Meant to say NEW counsellor!