Husband and ADHD

[Tedwards123]

My husband was diagnosed with ADHD in February. He hid the diagnosis from me (he said its a private matter, and he’s very secretive by nature) and I only found out because I found the tablets.

There’s a backdrop of him blindsiding me with things in our relationship - his impulsive behaviour / not thinking through the consequences is as a result of his ADHD, but hiding his diagnosis was almost the final straw for me. We have two young kids, one of whom is struggling at school - so his diagnosis is relevant and it is not a private matter in my mind.

We’ve been having counselling since the summer. I thought we were making some progress. The counsellor is vastly experienced in ADHD and ASD; every scenario I give her, she can explain away (robustly) as his ADHD brain. Which is helping me to understand why he is as he is/why he does what he does, but it doesn’t make me feel better about the stuff he’s done.

On Tuesday night I discovered he’d put a spy camera in our bedroom. When I asked him about it, he lied (apparently his ADHD means he can’t process things quickly when under pressure so says the first thing that comes to mind), and promised me it didn’t have a camera in it. The truth eventually came out, I stayed calm, despite being upset and feeling violated. He’s not even sorry for what he’s done. He’s paranoid that I am snooping on him, paranoid because things in his office keep moving (I never go in his office! But we’ve got two kids who do!), paranoid I’ve hired a private investigator (erm, that’ll be a no!), and feels he’s ‘justified in his actions’. I’m at a loss.

I saw an old thread on this and read with interest. I know from that there are others in this group with ADHD spouses. At what point do you accept that ADHD isnt enough of a reason for behaviour, and walk away? I feel like I’m going insane as I can’t talk to anyone about this who knows him as they all think he’s wonderful, fun, talkative…

Any advice from those with ADHD spouses?

x

I’m speaking to the counsellor separately today, but I won’t be continuing with him.

Good! Because he seems to have forgotten a basic rule in couple counselling - to not take any side .....

You're missing my point.

Do I think it's OK to put a camera in the bedroom? No! It's awful, and utterly, utterly acceptable. Regardless of neurodiversity. It's terrible behaviour and I would be furious.

We can all jump on this thread and say to OP that she should LTB as it's terrible, invasive and creepy behaviour. Those are understandable and entirely justifiable responses.

But actually, if the OP has any inkling that she might want to preserve her marriage, then she needs to get to the bottom of what the actual fuck he was thinking. Only then can she truly decide whether this is something she's able to move past.

As I went on to say in my previous comment - has he ever been controlling, creepy or invasive before, or is this a one-off? If this is genuinely a one-off, then it's possible that he's just not considered the wider implications, and hasn't understood the issues. This is why I asked OP WHY her DH put the camera in the bedroom. Until he explains that, there's no way of judging his true motive.

If he can't explain in clear terms why he put the camera in the bedroom, then I don't see how the relationship could recover.

Neurodiverse brains sometimes just don't see the full picture. I am an intelligent woman who has been very independent since a young age. And yet, I am can be spectacularly fucking stupid in missing obvious points sometimes. It can be really really embarrassing. And people don't believe that I wouldn't have been aware of X, Y or Z - but I really wasn't. Hyperfocus can make you miss the most basic things that others wouldn't need to be pointed out.

Do I think there's a reasonable explanation for putting the spy camera in the bedroom and then initially lying about it, and not being forthcoming about the reason it's there?

Honestly....I seriously doubt it.

But as I said, jumping in isn't actually that helpful and trying to remain unemotional and objective will help the OP come to a logical and well-thought out conclusion. It would have been much easier just to say to OP that it's terrible and she should dump his creepy arse instantly. I just think it's more helpful to OP to be objective and to try and think of perspectives that haven't been presented.