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Original poster

Emergency C-section a week ago and partner always complaining he can’t get anything done in the day.

52 replies

Cookiemonster83 · 21/11/2022 16:38

So I had an emergency c section one week ago, and I had a haemorrhage, lost 1.7L of blood. I’m home now but I’m still really weak and tired. I need my boyfriends help a lot, to get up and looking after the baby as I’m still in pain.

Over the days he seems to be getting progressively more annoyed. He has taken 2 weeks paternity leave. He keeps complaining that he can’t get things done like paint the shed etc. He says by the time I’m ready it’s too late for him to do anything.

Its making me upset, it’s not my fault. I feel I’m now over doing it trying to compensate, my wound is sore today form rocking the baby half the night.

I don’t know what to say to him. He is on paternity leave to help with the baby not do painting. I really need his help.

OP posts:
Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia · 21/11/2022 16:43

If it was him that had had major surgery a week ago, would he be planning to paint the shed? If not, why not? Why is it different because it's your body? He's on paternity leave, not catch up with DIY leave.

Notonthestairs · 21/11/2022 16:44

As you've said yourself the purpose of paternity leave is to be with your child and support the mother. Not painting sheds or any other DIY.

Essentially he's got it arse about face.

I'm afraid I would be very angry and give him what for.

I read hope this a temporary blip and reality dawns otherwise I can't imagine wanting to stay with him.

AmandaHoldensLips · 21/11/2022 16:45

Fucking hell. It's PATERNITY leave not DIY and bloody football or whatever man thing he was planning.

What an arse.

KirstysDad · 21/11/2022 16:46

Paternity leave isn't painting leave even though it has lots of the same letters.
It is there for him to bond with the child and to help you. I guess, to help you and him bond as parents, as opposed to being simply partners.

It is daunting for lots, but he needs to step up, perhaps with the encouragement of his friends and family.
If he's avoiding it, is he struggling or not interested? Each will require a different approach.

endofthelinefinally · 21/11/2022 16:46

God he is a selfish idiot. He is supposed to be looking after you, shopping, cooking, washing etc. Not painting the shed. I am so sorry he is so hopeless OP. Flowers

RoseslnTheHospital · 21/11/2022 16:47

I am shocked at his stupidity and callousness. Does he not understand what a c section is, what a large haemorrhage is and what impact that being post partum has on women?

I think I'd be getting quite angry with him and telling exactly how much he is letting you down with his attitude.

What was he like before you were pregnant in terms of sympathy and empathy?

gamerchick · 21/11/2022 16:48

He's not on holiday. Its meant to support a new mum and if that means taking over the running of the house after you've had major surgery then so be it. He needs telling that.

stuntbubbles · 21/11/2022 16:50

Set fire to the shed. He shouldn’t be trying to get anything done except looking after you and the baby and ensuring you can recover: he should be cooking, clearing up, doing the nappies and the rocking. What an arsehole. I don’t have any advice though for stopping him being an arsehole.

NotMeNoNo · 21/11/2022 16:51

Welcome to parenthood. It was obviously a shock for him. Seriously, some people need a bit of time to adjust, it's quite a change from pleasing yourself to having a tiny time consuming dependent person to care for 24/7. It may literally not have occured to him that baby wasn't going to sleep for most of the day whilst he got on with a few jobs.

I remember those days when it was an achivement to be dressed by lunchtime. They go on for quite a few months.

KirstysDad · 21/11/2022 16:52

He is hopeless etc if he is unwilling/uncaring.

megletthesecond · 21/11/2022 16:52

If my ex hadn't had the snip I'd wonder if you were talking about him.
Your partner needs to step up and look after you while you recover.

endofthelinefinally · 21/11/2022 16:53

Did he not read anything or ask any questions about having a baby when this was planned?

Original poster
Cookiemonster83 · 21/11/2022 16:58

No he didnt read up and as the months went on the more I heard that it was all going to be my job to care for the baby and my 6 year old.

I feel like such a burden right now. He hasn’t hugged me or asked if I’m ok. He seems really annoyed with me. I feel shit.

OP posts:
RoseslnTheHospital · 21/11/2022 17:00

Oh dear. Can I ask why you aren't furious with him rather than feeling bad yourself? He's the one who is behaving badly in the relationship, not you.

Do you have any friends and family who could come and stay to support you? Or could you go and stay with them, with both your children?

euff · 21/11/2022 17:00

Wow, well you know how to treat him if he ever has major surgery! Losing that much blood is no joke and would make you weak. Maybe get him to read this thread!

On a side not have you seen anyone since about being in that much pain a week on? I had no complications with my c section so don't know what you went through but there was no pain after a week. Iirc I might have still felt like my insides might wobble out and was not up to usual speed but no actual pain by that time. Wishing you a full recovery and an empathy transplant for your other half.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/11/2022 17:00

Paternity leave is not for him to paint the bloody shed. He either steps up now or ships out and goes back to mother. Infact I would send him back to his mother's.

I would also give this child your surname rather than his going forward as well.

trampoline123 · 21/11/2022 17:01

He needs to fuck right off. Burn his shed down.

EL8888 · 21/11/2022 17:02

RoseslnTheHospital · 21/11/2022 17:00

Oh dear. Can I ask why you aren't furious with him rather than feeling bad yourself? He's the one who is behaving badly in the relationship, not you.

Do you have any friends and family who could come and stay to support you? Or could you go and stay with them, with both your children?

Why should other people need to step up?! The stall needs to be set out and he needs to sort his priorities out

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/11/2022 17:05

If anyone is a burden here it is this man, not you. Sadly his true nature is becoming ever more apparant in he'd rather paint the bloody shed. He is truly that uncaring and unresponsive to any needs but his own.

How is he with your 6 year old?.

What is the situation here re property and finances?.

MajorCarolDanvers · 21/11/2022 17:06

What a complete arsehole he is.

RoseslnTheHospital · 21/11/2022 17:06

@EL8888 of course this man should step up, but as he's just spent 9 months telling the OP he isn't going to and is now complaining that she isn't doing enough, do you think he's going to change?? The OP needs some support, why wouldn't decent friends or family want to provide that when this man has made it quite clear he won't?

ChillysWaterBottle · 21/11/2022 17:06

Congratulations on your baby OP!!

He sounds dim and uncaring. I agree that the level of dependency a newborn needs can come as a shock if you haven't got a lot of experience with babies but surely he....spoke to people? Read a book? Googled? Did some sort of prep before his own baby came along? And if not, surely he knew he wasn't prepared so was ready to adjust? And if not, surely he understands his partner just had major abdominal surgery after 9 months of pregnancy and needs to recover? And if not, surely the fact his partner is telling him what she and the baby needs is enough? And that he's upsetting her?

Tell him explicitly and firmly. This is what having a baby is and what recovering from surgery looks like and it's called paternity leave for a reason. His job is to care for you and the baby not to do random DIY projects he's been putting off. I would speak to him firmly and clearly before the (understandable) resentment builds and you explode at him or sulk or however you would deal with these unspoken emotions. Tell him clearly but without attacking him that his impatience and mis-focus is upsetting you. Be firm and don't debate - you are not being unreasonable, he is. I would try and be positive too - focus on the ways he's being a GOOD dad and a GOOD partner. I know its tiresome in your position to have to treat him like a toddler but presumably you had a baby with him because you two cared for each other and want this to work.

I hope your recovery is swift OP x x x x x

ChillysWaterBottle · 21/11/2022 17:07

ChillysWaterBottle · 21/11/2022 17:06

Congratulations on your baby OP!!

He sounds dim and uncaring. I agree that the level of dependency a newborn needs can come as a shock if you haven't got a lot of experience with babies but surely he....spoke to people? Read a book? Googled? Did some sort of prep before his own baby came along? And if not, surely he knew he wasn't prepared so was ready to adjust? And if not, surely he understands his partner just had major abdominal surgery after 9 months of pregnancy and needs to recover? And if not, surely the fact his partner is telling him what she and the baby needs is enough? And that he's upsetting her?

Tell him explicitly and firmly. This is what having a baby is and what recovering from surgery looks like and it's called paternity leave for a reason. His job is to care for you and the baby not to do random DIY projects he's been putting off. I would speak to him firmly and clearly before the (understandable) resentment builds and you explode at him or sulk or however you would deal with these unspoken emotions. Tell him clearly but without attacking him that his impatience and mis-focus is upsetting you. Be firm and don't debate - you are not being unreasonable, he is. I would try and be positive too - focus on the ways he's being a GOOD dad and a GOOD partner. I know its tiresome in your position to have to treat him like a toddler but presumably you had a baby with him because you two cared for each other and want this to work.

I hope your recovery is swift OP x x x x x

Oh I just saw your update. He sounds like a complete asshole OP I'm sorry. Have you told him how you feel? I'm so sorry. What a knob.

Crazycatlady83 · 21/11/2022 17:10

Maybe he got confused, painting leave / paternity leave - easy mistake

ErrolTheDragon · 21/11/2022 17:16

You must be taking time off to look after the child and be one of the following:

https://www.gov.uk/paternity-pay-leave/eligibility

He needs to take his responsibilities seriously and not use the time as extra holiday.