Emergency C-section a week ago and partner always complaining he can’t get anything done in the day.

[Cookiemonster83]

So I had an emergency c section one week ago, and I had a haemorrhage, lost 1.7L of blood. I’m home now but I’m still really weak and tired. I need my boyfriends help a lot, to get up and looking after the baby as I’m still in pain.

Over the days he seems to be getting progressively more annoyed. He has taken 2 weeks paternity leave. He keeps complaining that he can’t get things done like paint the shed etc. He says by the time I’m ready it’s too late for him to do anything.

Its making me upset, it’s not my fault. I feel I’m now over doing it trying to compensate, my wound is sore today form rocking the baby half the night.

I don’t know what to say to him. He is on paternity leave to help with the baby not do painting. I really need his help.

So you have a six year old, a newborn and you are recovering from surgery and your partner wants to paint the shed?

Agree with others that he is the burden here. Unforgivable.

You poor woman. I know this would be very disruptive but is there anywhere that you can go to for more help? Any chance of staying with your parents? I know that's a big ask but I wouldn't want my daughter left in your situation.

You deserve TLC.

It has definitely come as a shock to him how demanding me and the baby are. I asked him today whether he expected it to be so hard and for the baby not to sleep at night and he said no.

We have only been together a few years, he has been good with my daughter who has a different dad. I am mindful he has gone from a bachelor to a family of 4 in a few years. We have only recently all moved into my house together. It’s in my own name, his house will be in his and rented.

It wouldn’t be so bad if he didn’t speak in a way that puts the blame on me.

I spoke to the midwife about the pain and she said it all looks fine but it’s my second section and they can be more painful to heal from. I think it’s because I’m overdoing it.

@RoseslnTheHospital because then whenever baby is ill or mum then grandma, auntie Gemma etc will be expected to step in. Just because he doesn’t want to step up, then doesn’t mean he should be allowed to

Quite honestly if a friend or family member contacted me to care for them and their new baby. Whilst their partner dithered around painting a shed then l would think they were on the wind up or delusional. Plus l work full time and wouldn’t be on paternity leave

You are not being demanding. You need help because you've just had surgery, lost a lot of blood and have a newborn.

You MUST reframe this. you aren't the burden, he's failing in basic duties and kindness.

He's not stepping up and instead is making you feel worse - that's on him.

I'm not suggesting she stays in a relationship with this man. Or enables him to paint the bloody shed. I think she should leave to friends/family. Or kick him out and get friends/family round for some support. No way on this earth would I ever suggest that women should enable this behaviour and enable this relationship to continue.

And obviously not friends or family who are working or who have other caring responsibilities. If there's no one at all that the OP could turn to, then she'll have to manage on her own and get rid of her partner.

I don’t know what to say to him. He is on paternity leave to help with the baby not do painting. I really need his help.

You've just said it. Tell him what you've written there. Then tell him to pull his head out his arse and step the fuck up.

@EL8888 you wouldn’t think that the partner is an arse instead and that clearly the new mum needs support now (and maybe to also reevaluate said relationship?). You wouldn’t want to support a family member?

🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ Very strange for me not to do something if you can tbh.

He should be doing absolutely nothing but taking care of you and the children. I’m so sorry you are dealing with such a sorry excuse for a man.

Send the useless unsympathetic bugger this thread.

My recovery from a c-section ended up taking a lot longer as I overdid things but we’d had twins so my husband was definitely doing his share.

You need to rest and he should be doing as much as humanly possible to look after you and the children. Is it possible for your older one’s dad or a relative to help out with them a little?

He's an arsehole. Did he want the baby? Because he certainly doesn't seem to now.

He's being completely out of order. A C-section is a significant surgery, an emergency section doubly so. You need plenty fo rest, food making for you and your 6yo, him doing the shopping, cooking, cleaning etc.

Paternity leave exists so he can support you and spend time with the baby. It's not gardening leave or a holiday. He needs to get a clue and step up.

Poor op! I had a CS 3 days ago and it was also complicated, and my dh can't do enough for me. He has helped me to the toilet, shower, change my pads, has done every single nappy change. I feel so upset for you that this man has bee treating you like this! His job is now to support you and the baby not paint the damn shed. I'm glad the house is in your name.

He's a dickhead. He is meant to be look after you and the baby. You have had surgery. It's traumatic. You also physically can't do stuff you would normally do. Don't be stupid like me. With my first after 2/3 weeks I hoovered and split all my stitches.

Do you have any friends or family nearby that could help? This is major surgery and he is just cruel to let you get on with it as normal.

Can the midwife talk to him? Explain what his duties are?
Any family to come in for an hour to do cooking or housework.
Would he hire a nurse or carer?

Please, please don't overdo it. Rest. Heal. In your own time.

@WakingUpDistress oh he is a total arse, no sympathy for him. I feel bad for the OP, her expectations of him are very reasonable. He is 100% the problem.

Due to my own set of circumstances l couldn’t offer much to be honest. Currently halfway through a twin pregnancy with very bad morning sickness (gained no weight and actually lost). Low blood pressure so often dizzy and sleeping badly. Dragging myself to full time work as l have to financially. Saving my annual leave for the end of the pregnancy. I could maybe pop round on a weekend afternoon -my job requires me to work some weekends. But that would be about it

In that case @EL8888 thats totally fair enough.
You can’t give what you don’t have!

All the best for the rest of your pregnancy :)

I have never posted anything like this before but kick him out and get help from family or friends asap.

Not only does he have no respect for you as a person but he does not respect your life or the life of the newborn!
You had major surgery, you have a newborn to keep alive whilst barely able to function yourself. This isn't about sharing tasks.

He should be complaining that he cannot take more of your pain onto himself, that's about the only complaint he's allowed!

I don’t know what to say to him.
He is on paternity leave to help with the baby not do painting. I really need his help.

Say this:

“You are on paternity leave to help with the baby not do painting. I really need your help. Stop acting like our baby is an inconvenience and I’m deliberately being difficult. I had major surgery and we have a newborn and I’m up all night. Your only job right now is to look after me and the baby and the housework.”

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I also had an EMCS with a haemorrhage. Please bear in mind that as well as all of the other medical impacts, you are very likely to be suffering from anaemia which can make you feel very unwell. You are looking at a six week or so recovery from major surgery plus the complications. If you hadn’t had a baby, this is how long you’d be signed off work for with this type of surgery. As PPs have said, you should not be putting this on yourself. Your partner is staggeringly unsupportive and you deserve so much better from him. Take care and congratulations on your baby.

You have precious little energy left and absolutely none to spare trying to make this man 'understand'.

He is making it patently clear that you and baby are not his concern.

I am sorry sorry, but I believe this won't change. A good, balanced, loving person just wouldn't do this.

I would kick him out seeing as you are doing everything anyway.

So sorry.

It took me 2 weeks to fully get dressed and out of bed after my horrible labour and emergency C Section. It took me until 12 weeks to stop being in pain and he able to do chores, walk the dog etc. You Husband needs to understand this now. All I did for the first two weeks was feed and talk to the baby!

Did he want this child? Was it planned? Is he the father of the older child?

Doesn't sound promising. If he sees paternity leave as a vacation and you/baby as an impediment to his good time, you are not looking at a viable life partner. I'd be making plans to send him back to his own home, before it's rented out, and carry on alone. And don't give the child his surname, whatever you do.

Hope you feel better soon.

Read him the riot act, tell him to read up on pregnancy, the effects of pregnancy on the body, how risky it can be and while he’s at it point him to the chapters on c sections and recovery time. A normal delivery still takes time to recover from and you’ve had major surgery and don’t let anyone tell you it isn’t. It takes at least year to recover from pregnancy. His job is to care for you and the baby not paint the bloody shed, that can wait, you can’t.