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Original poster

He says not definite, but he feels a bit old to have another baby

81 replies

anotherdatingquestion · 21/11/2022 14:01

I have entered into a very new relationship with a man who wants to find his life partner and settle down. I really like him. I haven't felt this way in over a decade. He has a son from a previous relationship and has said he hasn't made a definite decision about having another baby, but he feels he may be too old (he isn't). I want a baby. Shall I move on now?

OP posts:
templesit · 22/11/2022 05:28

If it's early days you need to move on now before to get attached more.

He has no intention of having kids.
He has been honest enough to tell you (age may not be real reason but he's said no regardless).

There are loads of threads on here where women are hanging on for a man to change his mind which he rarely does. If you don't want that move on while time is on your side.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 22/11/2022 05:54

If its not a strong yes, he means no. Move on.

FishnetsNightdressCrisis · 22/11/2022 06:03

Move on, you're not compatible, you want a child and he doesn't.

I had my children in my early/mid 20s and in my mid 30s I feel too old to have more. I think he sounds a decent bloke tbh- I think it's selfish the number of people who go on to have second families without much thought as to how it makes their existing children feel. Must be really difficult for a teen- I would have hated it if either of my parents had done that.

RedWingBoots · 22/11/2022 06:15

FishnetsNightdressCrisis · 22/11/2022 06:03

Move on, you're not compatible, you want a child and he doesn't.

I had my children in my early/mid 20s and in my mid 30s I feel too old to have more. I think he sounds a decent bloke tbh- I think it's selfish the number of people who go on to have second families without much thought as to how it makes their existing children feel. Must be really difficult for a teen- I would have hated it if either of my parents had done that.

I on the other hand know people who were in there teens and early 20s who were ecstatic when one of their parents had another child.

It's only on MN that older children detest their younger half-siblings.

RedWingBoots · 22/11/2022 06:20

OP if he's had a child through IVF he doesn't not want to risk going through that again due to the emotional trauma it causes. He knows it doesn't always work and he was lucky to get his son.

Also it maybe him that was why IVF was needed but he can't tell you at this early stage.

I suggest you move on.

FishnetsNightdressCrisis · 22/11/2022 06:22

*I on the other hand know people who were in there teens and early 20s who were ecstatic when one of their parents had another child.

It's only on MN that older children detest their younger half-siblings.*

Who said anything about 'detesting' younger half-siblings? Hyperbolic, much?

I would have hated the situation- I would have felt like me and my sibling weren't enough, I wouldn't have wanted a crying baby around, I would frankly have thought they were ridiculous for starting all over again at their ages, and quite selfish really. Doesn't mean I would have 'detested' a half sibling.

My kids are 10 and 8 and I separated from their dad a few years ago. I'm 34 and wouldn't have more children because IMO it would be selfish and unfair on the children I already have. Just my opinion, others feel differently, as they're entitled to.

And 'ecstatic' that their parents had another child? Ok, whatever then, sure their lives would have continued just fine without it happening though. I don't think many 16 year olds are begging their parents to have another baby.

Simonjt · 22/11/2022 06:51

I’m 34 and my youngest is one, I in my own opinion am too old to go on to have another, everyone has their own cut off age, no one else gets to decide that. Plus even if I was a bit younger, if I had a teenager I wouldn’t want to go back to parenting a very young child.

You want different things, thats fine, whats not fine is pretending he is wrong in feeling too old and pretending to yourself that you can change his mind.

Sushi7 · 22/11/2022 07:00

anotherdatingquestion · 21/11/2022 17:04

He’s late 30s. Has a teenager.

He went through fertility treatment with his last ex, she was infertile.

It’s very early days so I don’t feel comfortable even discussing this at length with him.

He has a teen so it’s been a long time since the baby and toddler phase. His teen could be mistaken as their hypothetical sibling’s parent. He will also be in his 40s by the time you start to ttc. No wonder he feels old. How old are you and your dc (if you have any)? If you don’t have any dc then maybe find someone who definitely wants dc (or just enjoy dating for a while).

HomeTheatreSystem · 22/11/2022 07:08

He has a teenager and he's late 30s. A baby of his born when he's early 40s will be a teen when he's in his mid 50s and still needing parental support into his early 60s. He knows what's involved and he sounds reluctant to go there again especially as there are only a few years left before his son is an independent adult and he will still have the energy and time to enjoy his 40s and 50s. He doesn't want to spend close to 30 years of his life being at the fully hands on parenting stage. It is very hard to imagine how much parenthood takes out of you until you've been there yourself.

pinkdelight · 22/11/2022 07:10

It's not about being biologically too old (although that could be harder than you think too). I'd bet it's more that being in his 30s with a teen, he'll feel like he's spent most of his adult life parenting already and if he had another DC at 40ish, that would be the WHOLE of his adult life in active parent mode. Not many people want that and often the guys who will do it are the ones who feature in threads on here because they've checked out and leave all the hands on stuff to the woman.

On the upside he's told you now and isn't up for having a kid to keep a woman happy when it's not what he wants. I'd ignore the possibly he might not definitely know. He does, you just don't want to hear it. You want kids, he doesn't, move on and find someone at the same life stage as you.

OutDamnedSpot · 22/11/2022 07:11

Move on.

The fact that you say “he isn’t” suggests you’re dismissing his feelings about something huge so he’s not the right person for you.

PorridgewithQuark · 22/11/2022 07:17

If a baby is a priority for you then yes, as this is a new relationship I'd say it's not the right one.

He's been honest that he doesn't want more children I'd say, though possibly without deliberate ill intention left the door open to keeping your hopes alight so you give him a chance.

So many women who absolutely know they want children accept a relationship where their partner keeps dithering over whether he's ready/ whether he wants children or not, until the woman's fertility dwindles (then depressingly often the man eventually decided he does actually want children and leaves the relationship to have them with a younger woman).

Don't waste years trying to persuade someone you've just met and who has who has already told you he doesn't want what you want to change his mind, however nice he is.

If you already have children and could accept not having more then obviously stick with it if you like him.

Comedycook · 22/11/2022 07:44

I doubt it's his age...he just doesn't want one and feels like he needs to justify his decision and age is a more palatable reason than I just don't want one.

If it truly is his age, then that's hardly a factor which will improve with time.

OrlandointheWilderness · 22/11/2022 07:48

qpmz · 21/11/2022 22:27

You say the relationship is very new. Too soon to get a true picture of how he feels about children. Have you even said you love each other yet? Seems a shame to stop seeing him if you really like each other.

I certainly didn't wait until we'd said I love you to find out if my DP wanted kids, I think I raised it 5 weeks in! I don't want any more (I'm 38) and was desperately hoping he didn't either as I liked him 😂. Luckily we were on the same page with it.

Aprilx · 22/11/2022 07:56

anotherdatingquestion · 21/11/2022 17:04

He’s late 30s. Has a teenager.

He went through fertility treatment with his last ex, she was infertile.

It’s very early days so I don’t feel comfortable even discussing this at length with him.

It is not for you to say whether anyone feels too old or not. If he feels like he has done his baby / young child years that is up to him.

I would take his comment to mean he doesn’t want any more children but he wants to get you hooked in before he admits it.

WhatTeaspoon · 22/11/2022 08:00

He isn’t old age wise but he is past all the baby, toddler stage and revisiting that just doesn’t sound appealing to him at all.

Just move on because to be fair to the guy he really probably doesn’t know and if yiu waste a couple of years and then he says no it’s just bad all round.

LetItGoHome · 22/11/2022 08:25

He has a teenager so I can't say I blame him for not wanting more at this stage. He probably feels like he has done the small children bit with his son and now wants to enjoy a bit more freedom and him time.
I think you are on different life chapters. Have a sit down chat and explain why. Then move on.

Comedycook · 22/11/2022 08:41

LetItGoHome · 22/11/2022 08:25

He has a teenager so I can't say I blame him for not wanting more at this stage. He probably feels like he has done the small children bit with his son and now wants to enjoy a bit more freedom and him time.
I think you are on different life chapters. Have a sit down chat and explain why. Then move on.

Well yes..it's fine for him to not want another child. Wha is not fine, is not being upfront about it.

IneedanewTV · 22/11/2022 08:55

Having a teen and dating he is probably at that stage where he can go away for weekends, child free holidays etc etc. Why would he want to lose all that for a baby.

listen to him.

DragonflyNights · 22/11/2022 08:55

pinkdelight · 22/11/2022 07:10

It's not about being biologically too old (although that could be harder than you think too). I'd bet it's more that being in his 30s with a teen, he'll feel like he's spent most of his adult life parenting already and if he had another DC at 40ish, that would be the WHOLE of his adult life in active parent mode. Not many people want that and often the guys who will do it are the ones who feature in threads on here because they've checked out and leave all the hands on stuff to the woman.

On the upside he's told you now and isn't up for having a kid to keep a woman happy when it's not what he wants. I'd ignore the possibly he might not definitely know. He does, you just don't want to hear it. You want kids, he doesn't, move on and find someone at the same life stage as you.

Exactly. I had mine relatively young and if I were to go for it again now that’s almost my entire working adult life doing the hard slog of active parenting. I love being a mum but it’s never been my intention to spend that sort of time as a chunk of my life in that way. The teen years can be intense and another baby would be a lot of work to combine with parenting a teen.

I agree with this post - he’s telling you gently he feels past that time of his life now. If you want to get a clearer answer just ask him what his life plans are for when his child goes off to uni (or work etc)! Bet he has some.

IneedanewTV · 22/11/2022 08:57

Also teen years are really hard. Not as physical/ Tiring as having a baby but stressful as they push the boundaries, stay out late, drive, exams, work, partners etc etc

whattodo1975 · 22/11/2022 09:09

anotherdatingquestion · 21/11/2022 17:04

He’s late 30s. Has a teenager.

He went through fertility treatment with his last ex, she was infertile.

It’s very early days so I don’t feel comfortable even discussing this at length with him.

I'd be the same in his shoes. He isnt going to change his mind.

He has the right not to want more kids. But if its something you want then move on.

billy1966 · 22/11/2022 09:16

Move on.

He doesn't want more children.

You are 100% wasting your time if you really want children.

He has a child, he is done.

Nothing wrong with that but you would be very silly to habg around hoping for a yes in a couple of years.

billy1966 · 22/11/2022 09:19

Completely agree re teens. I have a couple still and although they are great children the thought of starting again and facing another one in 14 years would not appeal at all.

Believe him.

category12 · 22/11/2022 09:22

Your age seems relevant here. How old are you?

If you know you want dc, then it's probably best not to waste time getting involved with "maybe" men.

Doubly so if your fertility window is rapidly shrinking.