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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband left and disappeared for 8 hours after argument

69 replies

Spottingtwerps · 21/11/2022 01:20

Yesterday me and my husband fell out. For the second weekend in a row, I said I wanted a family day out. This meant just a day at a local National Trust place with coffee, cake and a walk. We have a 9 month old so this is about as exciting as it gets. To boot this was supposed to sort of be for my birthday as it fell on a weekend and was a bit crap so celebrating at the weekend seemed reasonable.

Anyway, yet again he objected and was an arse. I got annoyed and declared there would be no more birthdays celebrated in this house as I am sick of him spoiling them one way or another.

Anyway, as a result he said "I'm done" and went out at 9.30am without saying a single word. I had to call him to come back as he had the pram in his car. He came back, threw (literally) the pram at me in the doorway and said I could " stick it up my arse". Probably not going to manage that one but thanks for the suggestion though 😆

He was gone for 8 hours, leaving me and our daughter with no idea where he was, what he was doing or when he would be back. He returned at 5.30. Said nothing all night. Nothing!! Then took himself off to sleep in the spare room.

Is it just me or WTF??? He used to do this disappearing act thing a few years ago when he got annoyed. He hasn't done it for a long time and I'm especially pissed off at it now we have our daughter and he irresponsibly just buggered off like that. Nevermind the male privilege! I would have loved on many an occasion to just disappear for a whole day but I don't have that luxury even if I planned it!

I am so angry about it I hardly know where to start when I speak to him. Any argument about anything he might have had evaporated when he just walked out like that. It's a massive, ridiculous overreaction and not appropriate. Would you put up with this?

Just to clarify I am not suspicious about where he went or who he saw. He was either at his sisters or lost in B&Q. He doesn't drink or have many vices except pizza so I am less bothered about exactly where he was so much as he just left and seems to think that's OK!

How do I deal with this?

OP posts:
WindowsSmindows · 21/11/2022 01:23

Why did he object to spending the day together?
It doesn't sound great to be honest. That's not how marriage and parenting is supposed to be.

Rosie22xx · 21/11/2022 01:26

Not sure how to go forward as this would mega pee me off. Its childish what he's doing and you would think having a baby would mature him in some way. You obviously need to talk about it and that now you have a baby together these things just cannot happen. But if it did happen again I personally would pack an overnight bag for me and baby and stay at my mums without saying a word back, so when he did finally come home, no one is there, he's got no clue where you've gone and it will shit him up abit too. This also sounds a bit childish but if words don't work, actions might? If he can see what his actions do, when it happens the other way around. And if he was to say you can't just take my baby like that, like mate, you can't just leave your baby like that...

Scottishskifun · 21/11/2022 01:37

I would tell him you have a child together stop acting like a man child!
He has responsibilities and a day out is a nice thing to do!

Original poster
Spottingtwerps · 21/11/2022 01:40

WindowsSmindows · 21/11/2022 01:23

Why did he object to spending the day together?
It doesn't sound great to be honest. That's not how marriage and parenting is supposed to be.

Not entirely sure. When I first mentioned a day out he said yes fine, pick somewhere and we'll go. Then every time I mentioned it after that he seemed resentful and mean spirited about it saying things like, you've seen your parents and a friend why do you need a day out? Yesterday, he just complained it was 9am and I hadn't mentioned it the night before. He wanted to go to B&Q and fix the leaking log store roof. 🙄 It's my first birthday as a mummy and just wanted a nice day out to make it a bit memorable.

OP posts:
Tinoftomatoes · 21/11/2022 02:32

He doesn’t sound great, OP.

Not that this is excusing anything, but does he dislike walks in National Trust type places?

Original poster
Spottingtwerps · 21/11/2022 02:49

Tinoftomatoes · 21/11/2022 02:32

He doesn’t sound great, OP.

Not that this is excusing anything, but does he dislike walks in National Trust type places?

No, we've had membership for years and it's one of.the things we enjoy doing.

OP posts:
Nancydrawn · 21/11/2022 03:00

I think you have to decide for yourself where your boundaries are and what you're willing to put up with.

Personally, I wouldn't be okay with living with someone who threw things, swore at me, and abandoned the family on my birthday to go sulk somewhere for 8 hours. At minimum, I would insist that my partner got therapy if I were going to continue in the marriage.

Everyone fights. But if he can't control his anger now, over something so small, I would imagine it's not getting better. Not that I think he's a danger to you. I just don't see that he has any incentive (other than some sort of miraculous realization that he's a twat) to stop his behaviour.

girlmom21 · 21/11/2022 03:06

Is it the fact you were using your birthday to strong arm him into it? Is there a reason he couldn't have gone to B&Q before or after?

Did you actually go to the national trust place last weekend?

He is being a tit whatever his reasoning though. Leaving you for the day whole day with no communication and taking no responsibility for the baby is shit.

Original poster
Spottingtwerps · 21/11/2022 03:11

Nancydrawn · 21/11/2022 03:00

I think you have to decide for yourself where your boundaries are and what you're willing to put up with.

Personally, I wouldn't be okay with living with someone who threw things, swore at me, and abandoned the family on my birthday to go sulk somewhere for 8 hours. At minimum, I would insist that my partner got therapy if I were going to continue in the marriage.

Everyone fights. But if he can't control his anger now, over something so small, I would imagine it's not getting better. Not that I think he's a danger to you. I just don't see that he has any incentive (other than some sort of miraculous realization that he's a twat) to stop his behaviour.

He has zero coping mechanisms for anything. He has anxiety that affects him all the time but he will not do anything about it despite promising multiple times He would.

OP posts:
Jantetha · 21/11/2022 03:14

I got annoyed and declared there would be no more birthdays celebrated in this house as I am sick of him spoiling them one way or another.

He sounds really awful but this is quite childish too. Why couldn't you still go by yourself with DD to National Trust and leave him to his strop?

Original poster
Spottingtwerps · 21/11/2022 03:18

girlmom21 · 21/11/2022 03:06

Is it the fact you were using your birthday to strong arm him into it? Is there a reason he couldn't have gone to B&Q before or after?

Did you actually go to the national trust place last weekend?

He is being a tit whatever his reasoning though. Leaving you for the day whole day with no communication and taking no responsibility for the baby is shit.

There was no strong arming. As my post says, when I first mentioned it his response was, choose somewhere and we'll go.

We went nowhere last weekend except...guess......B&Q!!! If we had gone somewhere last week end I wouldn't be bothered about this weekend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spottingtwerps · 21/11/2022 03:22

Jantetha · 21/11/2022 03:14

I got annoyed and declared there would be no more birthdays celebrated in this house as I am sick of him spoiling them one way or another.

He sounds really awful but this is quite childish too. Why couldn't you still go by yourself with DD to National Trust and leave him to his strop?

I reached a point where after several spoiled birthdays/anniversaries/other special days I've had enough and it would be easier to just not bother any more. Not childish, I actually mean it.

I can and do do that with DD any time. This was about the family and all of us spending some quality time together.

OP posts:
Jantetha · 21/11/2022 03:28

Does he get bad anxiety around these occasions? Is that why he behaves so badly?

Not an excuse but it can make people act in all sorts of ways

Original poster
Spottingtwerps · 21/11/2022 03:33

Jantetha · 21/11/2022 03:28

Does he get bad anxiety around these occasions? Is that why he behaves so badly?

Not an excuse but it can make people act in all sorts of ways

Sometimes he does beforehand about presents but it's been 2 weeks, its a day out which I've been asking for, he knew about it, initially said yes we'll go when i first mentioned it. We go to NT places often, its not unusual. How can he object so much and purposefully make it crap.

OP posts:
Jewel1968 · 21/11/2022 03:56

When he said "I'm done" do you think he wants to end the relationship? Anything else he has said or done suggest to you he wants out?

It seems manipulative to me. And passive aggressive or just aggressive also avoidant behaviour A way of getting you to not complain in future as you will try to avoid the abandonment.

With him gone with the car were you a bit stranded? No means of leaving and doing what you wanted.

I am no expert but I think if you in a very calm way say to him something like:

' Are you prepared to talk about why you got so angry yesterday? When you left yesterday you said - I'm done - are you trying to say you are done with the relationship?'

If he doesn't engage I would be very tempted to drive off myself for 8 hours. Although I recognise that is probably not the best thing to do.

JaneAustensHeroine · 21/11/2022 03:56

I can relate to this. My ex partner was always fine when it was something he wanted to do, not when it was something I wanted / had arranged. He also had depression / anxiety and a strop would make sure he could avoid doing whatever it was that challenged him. In the end I used to smile sweetly and say “That’s ok. I’ll go on my own / with friend” and go. I’d feel let down but I soon learned that his behaviour was actually very controlling. Nine times out of ten he would change his mind and join me…or would say later on that he wish he had gone.

My advice to you is make your own plans and invite him (or don’t!)…but go yourself anyway. Don’t let his behaviour control what you do. Ever.

Mumsanetta · 21/11/2022 04:45

I’m sorry your birthday plans were ruined OP. I would feel as upset and hurt by this as you and wouldn’t let it go unchecked. He is acting like a child or a dog, pushing boundaries to see what he can get away with. The extreme reaction is also an attempt to control you - you won’t challenge him again if you’re scared he will walk out again. You absolutely need an extreme and justifiably firm response to teach him that it’s not ok.

I suggest giving him the chance to explain himself in the morning. Then tell him that you won’t put up with him walking out for 8 hours every time he doesn’t get his own way. If he gives you the silent treatment, I would say “fine”, pack a bag and take you and your baby off to a family or friend’s house for a few days and be very open with them about why you are there. If he needs the car for work on Monday he can make alternative arrangements.

Also start making a plan for if your marriage doesn’t last - you don’t have to act on it but I always feel more in control if I have a plan of action.

Anxiety is not an excuse if he won’t get help for it.

nophonesonbed · 21/11/2022 05:47

That's really crap and the fact that he happily left his child too with no care. I think you guys need to talk about how to manage arguments because this is unacceptable now you have a child. If he doesn't get it or try's to play it down, next weekend get up early get dressed and leave for the day. Let him have baby and see how it feels. Don't answer your phone or get in touch.

AgentJohnson · 21/11/2022 06:07

For your own sanity you need to accept that this is who he is and a more mature version of him isn’t waiting around the corner, then you will be better placed to make decisions about how you want your future to look like. Choosing to ignore the person he is and hoping for a future different version of him to show up is why it has come to this.

fallfallfall · 21/11/2022 06:13

You realize he is manipulating you and you’ve allowed the bar to be dropped very low.
his “anxiety” seems like a convenient excuse.
you deserve better. you deserve birthday, Mother’s Day and every other celebration you want.
Don’t accept this behavior or lame excuses.

Sux2buthen · 21/11/2022 06:18

Spoiling other peoples special days is a sign of an abusive man. Combined with throwing, ranting, swearing I would highly recommend you get rid.
Also to anyone trying to find a reason for the behaviour 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Sux2buthen · 21/11/2022 06:18

That's not me saying it's a sign by the way, have a look online there's a lot of information

Fucket · 21/11/2022 06:23

Well maybe plan something with your family and friends. Get it out in the open how he behaved, tell them you want to do something belated to celebrate your birthday.
this way you a) get to be treated like it’s your birthday and b) they see what a man child you have.

just remember you don’t need his permission to do it, arrange the day out and just go with your little one.

I would not put up with this kind of behaviour I think your relationship is Ona sticky wicket unless he recognises he has communication issues. Which seems unlikely as he doesn’t show you much respect.

Mitzigaynor · 21/11/2022 06:30

It’s control and controlling behaviour comes from anxiety. It doesn’t excuse it though and his stroppy exit is immature.
He’ll be expecting everything to be back to normal today and for you to quietly drop the subject.
If it was me I would make it clear that if he flounces off again I will assume he’s not returning and make plans to carry on as a single parent because your dc needs a reliable father. And this behaviour needs sorting before your dc is much older.

FishnetsNightdressCrisis · 21/11/2022 06:33

Yeah my husband used to do this, disappear for entire days (and I mean plural sometimes), refuse to answer his phone. Including when our second child was two weeks old, on one occasion. And his behaviour gradually deteriorated further and became more abusive.

He's now my ex husband.

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