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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband left and disappeared for 8 hours after argument

69 replies

Spottingtwerps · 21/11/2022 01:20

Yesterday me and my husband fell out. For the second weekend in a row, I said I wanted a family day out. This meant just a day at a local National Trust place with coffee, cake and a walk. We have a 9 month old so this is about as exciting as it gets. To boot this was supposed to sort of be for my birthday as it fell on a weekend and was a bit crap so celebrating at the weekend seemed reasonable.

Anyway, yet again he objected and was an arse. I got annoyed and declared there would be no more birthdays celebrated in this house as I am sick of him spoiling them one way or another.

Anyway, as a result he said "I'm done" and went out at 9.30am without saying a single word. I had to call him to come back as he had the pram in his car. He came back, threw (literally) the pram at me in the doorway and said I could " stick it up my arse". Probably not going to manage that one but thanks for the suggestion though 😆

He was gone for 8 hours, leaving me and our daughter with no idea where he was, what he was doing or when he would be back. He returned at 5.30. Said nothing all night. Nothing!! Then took himself off to sleep in the spare room.

Is it just me or WTF??? He used to do this disappearing act thing a few years ago when he got annoyed. He hasn't done it for a long time and I'm especially pissed off at it now we have our daughter and he irresponsibly just buggered off like that. Nevermind the male privilege! I would have loved on many an occasion to just disappear for a whole day but I don't have that luxury even if I planned it!

I am so angry about it I hardly know where to start when I speak to him. Any argument about anything he might have had evaporated when he just walked out like that. It's a massive, ridiculous overreaction and not appropriate. Would you put up with this?

Just to clarify I am not suspicious about where he went or who he saw. He was either at his sisters or lost in B&Q. He doesn't drink or have many vices except pizza so I am less bothered about exactly where he was so much as he just left and seems to think that's OK!

How do I deal with this?

OP posts:

Herejustforthisone · 21/11/2022 10:51

Did he do anything on your actual birthday to mark the day @Spottingtwerps ?

swirlypinky · 21/11/2022 11:05

My OH always gets sulky whenever we do National Trust. About oncr a year. It has to precede a pub stop to soften the blow

But he doesn't storm off in a huff. How horrible for you

Relationships are give and take

Shoxfordian · 21/11/2022 11:10

Why do you go to national trust with him if he doesn’t like them @swirlypinky ?

Original poster

Spottingtwerps · 21/11/2022 12:19

Nancydrawn · 21/11/2022 03:00

I think you have to decide for yourself where your boundaries are and what you're willing to put up with.

Personally, I wouldn't be okay with living with someone who threw things, swore at me, and abandoned the family on my birthday to go sulk somewhere for 8 hours. At minimum, I would insist that my partner got therapy if I were going to continue in the marriage.

Everyone fights. But if he can't control his anger now, over something so small, I would imagine it's not getting better. Not that I think he's a danger to you. I just don't see that he has any incentive (other than some sort of miraculous realization that he's a twat) to stop his behaviour.

Its a long time since he's done it. A few years and I thought he had stopped but obvs not. We've done the therapy merry go round. He promised me he'd get help before the baby arrived, he didn't. He's had issues for a long time, decades. He's in his early 50s. There have been many conversations about his mental health, therapy and our marriage. Its not new. I'm disappointed he doesn't want to sort himself out for our little girl. He had definitely struggled more since she arrived though.

OP posts:

BMW6 · 21/11/2022 15:40

Oh OP this is who he is. He isn't going to change. He wants everything his way or its storm off in a hissy fit time.

You have a little girl. Do you want her childhood to be ruled by what her Dad wants to do at all times?

Please don't do it to her - or yourself for that matter.

Charitybargainhunter · 21/11/2022 17:24

Lolapusht · 21/11/2022 09:56

This bit - It's my first birthday as a mummy and just wanted a nice day out to make it a bit memorable - explains his actions in my view. He sabotages everything that matters to you.

Ditch him!

@Lolapusht has hit the nail on the head. This is what it’s all about.

Original poster

Spottingtwerps · 21/11/2022 20:27

FishnetsNightdressCrisis · 21/11/2022 06:33

Yeah my husband used to do this, disappear for entire days (and I mean plural sometimes), refuse to answer his phone. Including when our second child was two weeks old, on one occasion. And his behaviour gradually deteriorated further and became more abusive.

He's now my ex husband.

That's awful and was just cruel of him. Glad you are rid of that!

OP posts:

Original poster

Spottingtwerps · 21/11/2022 20:30

crossstitchingnana · 21/11/2022 07:33

It needs to always be about him. He has anxiety and won't get help because then the sympathy will stop and /or he'll have to step-up.

Bet his mum dotes on him?

His relationship with his mum is complicated. She was awful and even abusive to him and his siblings but now they act all nicey nicey. He resents her but I think in some way still seeks her approval.

OP posts:

FishnetsNightdressCrisis · 21/11/2022 20:31

You deserve much better @Spottingtwerps, and happy days with your baby without that wanker dragging you down. And if he's throwing the pushchair at you, where does this end up, what's he going to do next? Mine progressed from walking out for days at a time to being genuinely frightening. I'm glad I got away when I did but wish I had done it sooner.

rwalker · 21/11/2022 20:39

Some people really just don’t get the special occasions thing
did he just want a day at home

Original poster

Spottingtwerps · 21/11/2022 20:50

Herejustforthisone · 21/11/2022 10:51

Did he do anything on your actual birthday to mark the day @Spottingtwerps ?

Yes, he bought me a present and one from our DD.

OP posts:

Comtesse · 21/11/2022 20:59

He’s in his early 50s?? Oh man. If he was in his 20s he might grow out of it but not sure there is much hope of that now. He behaved like a fool, and a mean one at that.

crossstitchingnana · 22/11/2022 07:08

It was one extreme or the other. He never got his needs met. It's a very childish reaction.

Good luck.

biscuiteer · 22/12/2022 12:07

This is what you are dealing with from him and his choice of actions:

Control
Manipulation
Denial
Refusal to take responsibility (for himself, his actions, his MH needs, your needs and your DD to name the most important things)
Cruelty
Emotional immaturity/
Physical detachment
Withdrawal and abandonment as a weapon.

So you have a few choices.

You tell him you will leave if he does not immediately seek professional support for his MH and counselling for his behaviour. He can self refer today. Start to make plans to leave him if he doesn't listen or make any effort to talk about the need for him to change. You really are better without him if he is unwilling to move forward.

Stay with him and accept that this will continue to be something that can and will happen at any time he chooses, but you will live with that. He chooses to be unavailable when he has 'had enough' and you will be his battering ram.

People can change with the right support and help, but they have to work hard to do so.

biscuiteer · 22/12/2022 12:14

Also the physical threat-that grew with my ex too until it was frightening.
( So what would be early behaviour-the slam of a wine bottle on the table that made me jump, over time became shutting me in a room, hurting me..)
It's complex and messy and I really wish you well.

Liorae · 22/12/2022 13:50

Its childish what he's doing and you would think having a baby would mature him in some way.
Instead of thinking that, it's better to wait until if/when that maturing h a s happened before deciding to have a child.

Nanny0gg · 22/12/2022 17:16

Spottingtwerps · 21/11/2022 20:50

Yes, he bought me a present and one from our DD.

Show quote history

So what do you want to do going forward?

Because I can't see there being any change.

Original poster

Spottingtwerps · 07/01/2023 10:35

Threw him out last night. Him and his sister scheming and batching behind my back again. We have problems and I ll hold my hand up to that but I won't be bad mouthed and lied to. Just feel sad for our little gorgeous baby and am so angry he's made such a mess of what could be a lovely life, if he just put some effort in.

OP posts:

Rhaych2003 · 15/01/2023 10:44

Is this a safe environment for the “precious, so longed for, unexpected” baby? Throwing prams at you really isn’t safe, next time he could hurt the child.

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