Husband left and disappeared for 8 hours after argument

[Spottingtwerps]

Yesterday me and my husband fell out. For the second weekend in a row, I said I wanted a family day out. This meant just a day at a local National Trust place with coffee, cake and a walk. We have a 9 month old so this is about as exciting as it gets. To boot this was supposed to sort of be for my birthday as it fell on a weekend and was a bit crap so celebrating at the weekend seemed reasonable.

Anyway, yet again he objected and was an arse. I got annoyed and declared there would be no more birthdays celebrated in this house as I am sick of him spoiling them one way or another.

Anyway, as a result he said "I'm done" and went out at 9.30am without saying a single word. I had to call him to come back as he had the pram in his car. He came back, threw (literally) the pram at me in the doorway and said I could " stick it up my arse". Probably not going to manage that one but thanks for the suggestion though 😆

He was gone for 8 hours, leaving me and our daughter with no idea where he was, what he was doing or when he would be back. He returned at 5.30. Said nothing all night. Nothing!! Then took himself off to sleep in the spare room.

Is it just me or WTF??? He used to do this disappearing act thing a few years ago when he got annoyed. He hasn't done it for a long time and I'm especially pissed off at it now we have our daughter and he irresponsibly just buggered off like that. Nevermind the male privilege! I would have loved on many an occasion to just disappear for a whole day but I don't have that luxury even if I planned it!

I am so angry about it I hardly know where to start when I speak to him. Any argument about anything he might have had evaporated when he just walked out like that. It's a massive, ridiculous overreaction and not appropriate. Would you put up with this?

Just to clarify I am not suspicious about where he went or who he saw. He was either at his sisters or lost in B&Q. He doesn't drink or have many vices except pizza so I am less bothered about exactly where he was so much as he just left and seems to think that's OK!

How do I deal with this?

He doesn't want you to be the centre of attention OP. That's all, I'll bet you try to make his birthday feel a bit special?

But yes I'd stop with the birthdays if you insist on staying in this relationship and I'd not plan days out with him anymore. Just plan them differently.

his “anxiety” seems like a convenient excuse

I thought this too, my DH has anxiety but takes his medication, attends therapy & works.on.it to improve it rather than use it as an.excuse to be an arse.

I'd find it really.hard living like this because you never know when he will do it again, or what will set him off, you
L be living in egg shells

I don’t see the link with anxiety? He’d agreed about the day out, and you say he’s fine usually with going to NT places. Then he decided he couldn’t be bothered and wanted to go to B&Q instead. Then threw a massive tantrum when you said no to him.
Just sounds like being selfish and controlling to me.

I would genuinely ask yourself can you see yourself enduring this for the rest of your life! You only get one! How many memories will he ruin with tantrums and misery?
Some People are literally just miserable sods and I wouldn't stick being married to one.

It needs to always be about him. He has anxiety and won't get help because then the sympathy will stop and /or he'll have to step-up.

Bet his mum dotes on him?

This is so true I'm afraid OP. I've got all the T shirts and it hasn't got better. All that's happened is I don't care any more. I mean really don't care. Which is a horrid place to be.

Sorry I meant to quote this post.

I didn’t know you’d met my ex

It may be a result of anxiety and poor coping mechanisms, but it's affecting you and your baby massively.

At this point I would probably be giving him an ultimatum, get therapy to work on your messed up coping mechanisms, recognise the impact of this on the family and take some ownership, or it's over.

You don't have to live like this.

Urgh my ex used to do this kind of thing, including the ‘I’m done’ stuff. Childish behaviour like that is not attractive and, at the risk of sounding sexist, I find it very unmanly. It’s going to be one of those things that will chip away at your relationship until you end up despising him (if you don’t already). He needs to sort it out as it will ruin your relationship.

So you’ll be vanishing for 8 hours next weekend leaving him with the baby so that you can go do something for your birthday, yes?

He’s a childish manchild. I have anxiety but no way would I be throwing a pram at my partner and telling them to stick it up their arse.

You need to have a calm conversation about where things go from he. He said he's done, left and slept in the spare room. So does that mean he wants out of the marriage? Do you?

I know it's hard when your breastfeeding but at 9 months in guessing she's going a good while between feeds so actually, you absolutely can just go out and leave him with the baby around that. Not in a childish one-upmanship sense but in a "you're not as trapped as you think" sense.

Physically throwing a pram at you is violence, there is no coming back from that. Next time it might not be a pram but a fist.

Controlling behaviour does NOT necessarily come from anxiety. Stop making excuses for him. Controlling behaviour more often comes from a controlling personality.

OP you need to have a serious talk to your husband. The way he behaved was totally unreasonable and unacceptable.

I’ll probably be accused of a massive over reaction, but here’s my view…

You need to consider whether you want to be with this man. Yes, it’s only one day etc, but the ruining birthdays is actually quite an abusive thing to do.

my ex was psychologically abusive and this was one of his favourite routines- every special day ruined. Like you, he messed up my first birthday as a mum ( which fell on Mother’s Day). Then accused me of ruining it by being upset at his behaviour.

does he ever apologise for these outbursts? If not, I’d get out now. by walking out he knew he’d ruin your day, as you’d be worried about him. This wasn’t someone needing space.

on a more practical note, what future family life can you have with someone who complains about this fairly standard day out with a baby?

Spoiling other peoples special days is a sign of an abusive man.

1000x this. My ex used to do it and my dad still does. Both very emotionally immature, abusive men who need everything to revolve around them.

My dad has tried to sabotage every Christmas, birthday, my brother's wedding, my wedding, you name it, any special occasion for as long as I can remember. We're all very low contact with him now we're older and wise enough to realise what he's upto.

You deserve better OP. You deserve to be spoilt on your birthday, especially your first birthday as a mum. Trust me, being a single mum to a baby (been there) is infinitely better than being dragged down by a narcissistic man-child.

@Spottingtwerps id also add that over the years, I’ve seen quite a few friends with partners like these.

20 years on, they’ve NEVER got better. The ones that haven’t ended in divorce are miserable marriages where people are staying together because they have a nice house.

I also think you should consider if you want to stay with him; your child will be old enough to notice when he acts like this soon and will be upset as well asking where dad has gone. His behaviour is unacceptable and it doesn’t seem like he wants to change either

Bet he doesn't throw stuff at people at work,

I left my ex partner and this was one of the big reasons why.

I remember us having a rare day off together and I suggested breakfast in a particular venue. We wandered around town for ages because he wanted to check "all the other options" (we lived rurally, there were no other options) and when it became obvious that he didn't want to actually go in any of them and I said I was going home, he told me my attitude always ruined everything, and stormed off to the nearest Spoons.

He was depressed, and anxious - oddly though, he never felt like that when he had something that he wanted to do.

Oh OP I feel for you, I really do. Life is too short for this sort of behaviour from him. He's acted very selfishly and will continue to do so if you allow it. You didn't ask for much, my goodness. He needs to get a grip.

This bit - It's my first birthday as a mummy and just wanted a nice day out to make it a bit memorable - explains his actions in my view. He sabotages everything that matters to you.

Ditch him!

Urgh just another abusive male.

I dated him too! He doesn’t half get around.

And OP: life is so much more joyful, rich, and involves no walking on eggshells without these “anxious” men. Who conveniently are mostly anxious about anything fun for you.