Is this relationship salvageable? Dogs are making me so cross!

[Muniononion]

I love my girlfriend very much, she brings joy, fun, excitement and happiness to mine and my children’s lives. She is a real free spirit whereas I’m more homely and stable. This has some challenges but overall we communicate well. We’ve been together 2.5 yrs, living together for last six months in a flat I was in before we met.

She has had two dogs since I met her. They’re cute and great with children. I like/liked them but now I’m struggling with them so much, I literally want them gone but I’ll lose her too.

The dogs are very badly behaved, jump up on us when we walk in a room, follow us everywhere even to the toilet, bark constantly (when my girlfriend hugs me they get angry), huff at us when we don’t give them food off our plates, sit there begging, bark loudly at everyone who comes to the door or even walks past, scream barking at other dogs when out and pull at the lead, don’t walk in a straight line etc. I could go on.

What’s far worse though is the lack of hygiene.
They eat my children’s sweets/chocolates and then vomit all over the house (I’ve been blamed for leaving the food out?!) I should clean the sick up and not mention it apparently. They piss all over my youngest’s bedroom, on his bed. They shit sometimes in the bathrooms. The small boy dog came back from a walk and wiped his arse on my pillows. I watched dumbfounded then changed the sheets, on a boil wash. Their hair gets everywhere, in our food and all over bedsheets. I don’t want them on them bed, and still they go on when I’m not there.

My girlfriend says this is part and parcel of living with dogs, and I should just get on with it as she cleans up after my kids. In fact I should stop mentioning it and quietly clean up, even me checking for a dogshit can cause a row. My kids can be badly behaved but in general are very good. They make a mess, but not unhygienic and I fully expect that I’m the person who tidies up after them, including me cleaning their toilet up. She occasionally cleans their toilet or does the washing up and throws this at me as ammunition when we argue about the dogs. The hair is enough to need hoovering every day, she has done it twice since moving in?

Yesterday the dog urinated in my son’s bedroom again, this was my fault as I was wfh and should have taken him out. I don’t want this responsibility. She said today she would leave them in the flat again all day as she’s working but I’m going out. I said she needs a plan as can’t keep leaving them alone all day. When I got back from my day I had to take them out, I don’t want this additional chore.

I really just want her to take total responsibility for the dogs. She wants to be able to leave them in the flat on their own and I take them out when I get back. I don’t know am I being unfair? She feels I’m making her uncomfortable. I’m so cross I can’t think straight. I don’t know if our relationship can survive this feels so fundamental.

That's completely gross. She needs better hygiene standards and needs to get her dogs trained.

I would not be able to live with animals acting like that

God, yep, I spend half of every dog walk yelling 'leave it' at one or other dog.....

Can’t afford a dog walker service, but I agree this would be a huge start and would get them socialised with other dogs.

I think it might be too late though, I’m so utterly miserable. I can’t even watch videos of cute dogs anymore - I get so irrationally annoyed. Used to love dogs. So sad about this.

Can’t afford a dog walker service, but I agree this would be a huge start and would get them socialised with other dogs.

I think it might be too late though, I’m so utterly miserable. I can’t even watch videos of cute dogs anymore I get irrationally annoyed. Used to love dogs. So sad about this.

Sorry, OP, I assumed you were a man, I don't know why. But your updates are getting worse. So she doesn't lift a finger in regards to the kids or the dogs but you should?! I can only see her through your eyes and she does not come across as a nice person. She certainly does not see why she should do anything she doesn't want to, which isn't fair in a relationship.

You e got a girlfriend problem though, rather than a dog problem.

The question I think you should ask her is “Does this matter to you that this matters to me?”

And see what she says. I’ll bet she doesn’t know how close to the end of your rope, and the relationship, she is.

Please don’t be sorry, I am so grateful for your input. I feel physically sick having read these responses. I thought I was to be told to shut up and stop moaning and train them myself.

Why did you think that? That’s a very interesting expectation.

i think people don’t change, so instead of moaning about their behaviour you deal with it yourself or tell them to move on. Hadn’t really dwelled on the ‘move on’ aspect, just have such a blissful time with her!

Now you are living together, hiwvhave you worked out your finances?
Presumably you are both a little better if than when living separately?
I'd let her know how much this is bothering you.
Ask if it bothers her that you are so upset/stressed by it. If not, why not?
What she thinks can be done to chnage the situation (you getting on with it isn't an option).
If she doesn't offer a solution, then ask how between you, you can find the cash for training and a dog walker.
Hope you can work this out.
But this isn't something she can 'opt out' of. Sounds like she might opt out of other aspects of traditional expectations??

But they can compromise. I think you have assumed she will see what needs to be done and will get on with it without being asked in regards to the household and the children and that hasn't happened. A proper conversation about expectations and boundaries could sort that out - your expectations about the level of help you expect from another adult in the home, her boundaries about the amount of childcare or parenting she wants to do, if any. But she is being a brat about the dogs - this is not normal and not something you have to put up with and there needs to be a very frank conversation about what needs to happen if the dogs continue to live with you. I have pets that my DH wants no part of. I look after them myself and pay all their bills and make sure they behave well so sharing a home with them is comfortable for him. These means no piles of random dog shit everywhere! But we did have honest conversations before pets became part of the family and continue to have honest conversations. If you 'free spirit' girlfriend wants to be part of a family, a level of compromise has to be expected. You are not selfish for asking for that.

A "free spirit" eh? Or a way of not taking any responsibility?

She doesn't sound very nice really and is not amazing to your kids. If she was she would be horrified that her dogs were pissing on their beds and shitting in their bathroom and would do something about it.

She is showing absolutely no respect for you, your children, or your home. That is not a lovely person. On top of all that, she cant even be arsed to look after them herself and leaves it all to you!

A PP said it was a way of control and it is. Is she jealous of your kids? I don't think she likes them as much as you think she does.

"....just have such a blissful time with her!"

But you haven't really, have you? You can't look at the blissful times on their own so you can keep the status quo, they don't exist in a vacuum. You have to factor in the 'bad times' with the dogs and her lack of concern for the dogs' effects on YOU.

Then you have to factor in the effect of the dogs' behaviour on your children. And don't just say 'they adore the dogs', that's doing the same thing; ignoring the bad things in order to keep the status quo. I don't believe that your DC are thrilled with their sweets being eaten, piss/poo in their rooms/their home, and being jumped up on, etc.

Love may conquer some things, but it doesn't conquer all, and it certainly doesn't clean up the mess.

OP what may help you decide what to do in these circumstances is to consider what is best for your children, especially their health as regard the hygiene.
Your children are living in an environment you have placed them in and over which they have no choice or control - with a dog peeing in their bedroom and even on their bed. What will you do/did you do with the child's mattress? Then you tell us the dog also defecates in the bathroom - which your children use? The dog also vomits in the flat too. It must really stink. Your partner compares your child with the dogs - not right! She does not place the kids above the dogs. Do you rent? How will your children ever invite any friends over? They can't. The place needs cleaning from top to bottom with disinfectant! And you are worried about your love life?

It seems to me that this woman uses her dogs to express her contempt for you and your children

she’s a bad dog owner. Pissing and shitting indoors is not normal apart from if it’s a puppy (and then you train them not to do it) or if the dog is ill, which shouldn’t be frequent. If she hasn’t toilet trained them and doesn’t brush them or stop them scavenging out of bins she’s being neglectful. I have 2 dogs in a flat and they’re perfectly happy - they never toilet indoors (I do have a garden) and while one of them is a bit food obsessed they spend most of the day sleeping. I work from home so I’m around for them all day, on the occasions I do have to go to an office or out for longer than 3/4 hours they go to a dog walker.

If this relationship has any chance of surviving I think you need to live separately, or have a serious talk with her about how unhappy this is making you and commit to training them together - you probably need to get a professional trainer in at this stage as they’re adult dogs and have ingrained bad habits. I reckon if the dogs were well behaved you’d probably feel more inclined to walk them when she goes out, but really they’re not the problem here, your girlfriend and her laissez faire attitude to them is. if she cares about you and the relationship - and her dogs - she should be willing to put effort into training them and their general well-being.

Or she is utterly oblivious…

I absolutely agree these dogs need proper training but not letting them out all day then complaining that they'd had an accident is REALLY unfair. presumably you go to the loo during the working day - why shouldn't they be able to? If you don't let them out they will pee inside.

Also if you don't clean accident spots thoroughly, they will repee there because of the scent. Try a solution of warm water and bio washing liquid. Or tell your girlfriend to!

There are her dogs but now they are a shared responsibility? This just shows the casual way they have been trained. They are being treated like child substitutes, rather than dogs. But dogs are dirty and needy for attention. The excess hair indicates they do not get groomed.

Agree that you have a girlfriend problem more than a dog one. She has not bothered to train them and this is the main source of the problems you are facing now.

I would not cope with this.

I wouldn't put up with that, I love dogs and have one myself but he is well trained, doesn't scavenge for food, beg or shit in the house!!

Either she commits to training the dogs or she'll have to move out.

She leaves them home all day when I’m at work and expects that this is totally fine. I don’t think it’s acceptable. She says she needs to work. So yes that day I was in but had a pretty painful incident where I burnt my leg but also there had been no conversation about whether I would be there for the dogs or do anything with them, they were just left.

That's not an excuse to take your annoyance out on the dogs and make them suffer because your girlfriend is a CF

Agree.

Does she look after your children in your absence?
If you love her, walk the dogs!
Personally I don’t think a dog should be upstairs/in my bed. I love dogs, I have a dog. But not in my bed. We have hard wood flooring, large rugs and a lovely dog bed for ours.
The dogs have no boundaries, they shouldn’t be in a flat - I know people do but you have to be 100% into it if you have them in a flat.
You love her so you need to suck it up.
Personally I’d get shot of carpet.
They shouldn’t be allowed in kids rooms - get baby gates and teach the kids to use them.
Could a dog walker be a solution?
Id say train them but she won’t be onboard so you don’t have much choice!

She’s being horrendous!