Is this relationship salvageable? Dogs are making me so cross!

[Muniononion]

I love my girlfriend very much, she brings joy, fun, excitement and happiness to mine and my children’s lives. She is a real free spirit whereas I’m more homely and stable. This has some challenges but overall we communicate well. We’ve been together 2.5 yrs, living together for last six months in a flat I was in before we met.

She has had two dogs since I met her. They’re cute and great with children. I like/liked them but now I’m struggling with them so much, I literally want them gone but I’ll lose her too.

The dogs are very badly behaved, jump up on us when we walk in a room, follow us everywhere even to the toilet, bark constantly (when my girlfriend hugs me they get angry), huff at us when we don’t give them food off our plates, sit there begging, bark loudly at everyone who comes to the door or even walks past, scream barking at other dogs when out and pull at the lead, don’t walk in a straight line etc. I could go on.

What’s far worse though is the lack of hygiene.
They eat my children’s sweets/chocolates and then vomit all over the house (I’ve been blamed for leaving the food out?!) I should clean the sick up and not mention it apparently. They piss all over my youngest’s bedroom, on his bed. They shit sometimes in the bathrooms. The small boy dog came back from a walk and wiped his arse on my pillows. I watched dumbfounded then changed the sheets, on a boil wash. Their hair gets everywhere, in our food and all over bedsheets. I don’t want them on them bed, and still they go on when I’m not there.

My girlfriend says this is part and parcel of living with dogs, and I should just get on with it as she cleans up after my kids. In fact I should stop mentioning it and quietly clean up, even me checking for a dogshit can cause a row. My kids can be badly behaved but in general are very good. They make a mess, but not unhygienic and I fully expect that I’m the person who tidies up after them, including me cleaning their toilet up. She occasionally cleans their toilet or does the washing up and throws this at me as ammunition when we argue about the dogs. The hair is enough to need hoovering every day, she has done it twice since moving in?

Yesterday the dog urinated in my son’s bedroom again, this was my fault as I was wfh and should have taken him out. I don’t want this responsibility. She said today she would leave them in the flat again all day as she’s working but I’m going out. I said she needs a plan as can’t keep leaving them alone all day. When I got back from my day I had to take them out, I don’t want this additional chore.

I really just want her to take total responsibility for the dogs. She wants to be able to leave them in the flat on their own and I take them out when I get back. I don’t know am I being unfair? She feels I’m making her uncomfortable. I’m so cross I can’t think straight. I don’t know if our relationship can survive this feels so fundamental.

The kids have sweets in their room. If I leave dogs alone I close all doors so they can’t get in, but she doesn’t and they end up getting in. I have asked my kids not to leave sweets around and they’ve agreed. I really don’t want the dogs to get sick, I want them to be healthy and happy too.

The children adore them. And they love my girlfriend, she’s amazing with them.

They are Pomeranian. She washes them around once every four-six weeks. I think they need hair brushing. I frequently take clothes clean out of the machine and they’re smothered in hair 😫

we have a dog who only goes upstairs when invited, hasn’t had an accident inside since she was a little puppy apart from two weeks when the fireworks frightened her. She never steals food, doesn’t guard people, sleeps in a crate, but can occasionally be a bit barky if she’s not had enough stimulation/exercise - she’s a border collie so needs lots of input. However 90% of the time at home we wouldn’t even know she is there, she causes almost no mess apart from the inevitable shedding and muddy paw prints in winter! None of what you’ve said is remotely acceptable and I love our dog but I wouldn’t keep her if she behaved like that.

They seem to be unwell very frequently, don’t know if this is a breed thing?

Not puppies, five and two.

If you love her but not her dogs then you don't have to live together. It's not fair on your children to have their beds regularly pissed on because some 'free spirit's can't be arsed training her dogs properly. Ask her to move out.

Family has a Pomeranian. It sleeps in a dog bed in the kitchen, does not pee or poo in the house and doesn't beg for food.

Your girlfriend hasn't trained them and I couldn't live with that.

No, that is not normal behaviour and she's burying her head in the sand to say so.

But you know what, when you're home, if you don't let them out, accidents will occur.

That should say 'free spirit' not spirit's! Bloody auto correct🤦

They probably need brushing daily.

It doesn't sound like your partner is open to discussing their training etc, but to be honest, it sounds like it's becoming intolerable and will break your relationship if you don't have the "come to Jesus" conversation about getting their behaviour sorted out with proper training and care. Which will involve a lot of work on everyone's part.

If they're unwell frequently, it's probably their diet.

the dogs are her way of feeling in control, through them she is able to dominate every situation, she sees them as her children and will use them to dominate your children
this is probably all unconscious, she sounds sweet but extremely problematic and not a person who's really cut out for being in a relationship?

Of course they need brushing, she sounds a bit of a dick about her dogs and borderline neglectful.

Really interesting take. They do dominate, we can’t go away, when we went on holiday it’s lots of worry about who will have them (unsurprisingly very few people willing to take untrained dogs). when we’re at home together they are marching around like big bosses. Feel so fed up.

Highly unfair on your kids that the dogs are urinating in their rooms etc. If my kid went to their other parents house and I had heard of this happening I'd be deeply pissed off. And I love dogs. They're not getting the attention needed clearly and deserve an owner more responsible (I'm referring to your partner, not you)

She says because they eat food out the rubbish when walking them. Even that is just disgusting. I don’t know if it’s normal though, I’ve never had dogs.

Surely you must've been aware of what the dogs were like before you moved them (and her) in with you - you were together 2 years before that? Did you not even discuss the dog's needs when you were combining living arrangements? Who would take them out for walks, how often, what rooms they'd be allowed in/furniture allowed on to? A flat is far from ideal for keeping dogs in.

Dogs are pack animals, and if you don't treat/train them right, they'll think they're pack leader.

I can sort of relate to the situation - my dp has a dog, and whilst her toilet habits are very good (never any mess in the house, despite being left in alone all day), she's an absolute nightmare in other ways. Zero recall, can't walk to heel or even behave on a lead. But worst is her behaviour around food - absolutely obsessed with it, to the extent that it's impossible for the humans to eat with having to fight her off constantly. Steals food from the children's hands, jumps up to the table/worktop and has food off people's plates and anywhere else. DP puts up without without making any effort to control of train her, but there's no way we could live together as I simply couldn't tolerate the dog full time!

It's not normal to let your dog eat any old crap they find while you're walking them. You're supposed to be supervising them and making sure they don't do anything stupid or harmful, because, well, they're dogs, not nutritionists.

Poms can be very dominant if boundaries aren't put in place. I'm crazy about my pets but her expectations of what you are meant to tolerate is just unbelievable.

Flats are not really suited to having dogs as there is usually no garden - which they need, even these small Pomeranians.
Can you afford to have a 'dog walker' service? A lot of people rely on paying a regular person to take their dog for walks for a few hours, sometimes every day.
The walkers often live out of towns and have land where there dogs can run around with other dogs, play with toys etc - they can go to these places all day.
Children and dogs should never be compared.

I have four dogs, none of this is normal. Your girlfriend is making zero effort to train or care for her dogs and thinks you and your kids should just suck it up?! So she and her dogs get to dominate your home and your life and that is OK? She sounds very manipulative and selfish and frankly, not ready to live with a single man, never mind someone who has kids. Sorry OP.

Yes I did know, probably not to this extent, but I naively thought I could train them with her, we spoke about it. I have made some progress, they now jump into their crate in the evening, and are no longer in the bed. But this feels insignificant in the face of all the other work that’s required.

I also made/make clear I didn’t expect her to clean up after my children, that if I need her to watch them while I went out I’d ask and if it’s a no (which totally fairly it often is) I wouldn’t be upset. I very stupidly presumed she would see my life as a single mum, realise how much pressure falls on me to work, keep the household running, maintain sanity(!) and not expect me to care for the dogs too. Should have spoken about it more - agree.

Gosh I remember a theaad like this years ago on Reddit. It was a confession thread and the OP confessed that he had had enough of very similarly behaved dogs and a new partner who couldn’t/wouldn’t put in boundaries. So he got hold of a load of insulin pens (I think it was in the US so he sort of bought them) and quietly injected the dogs, a few months apart, and that was that. Problem solved. I’m not suggesting you do this of course, but it’s amazing what people are driven to. As far as I know they all lived happily ever after.

Oh my god that’s awful. I couldn’t bare the thought, but yes I understand the levels of insanity you feel like!