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Original poster

DH has been utterly crap

71 replies

Candlemadness · 19/11/2022 10:19

NC because it’s outing.
I’ve been very poorly this week, been struggling massively since Monday. Had a cough for 4 weeks, had pain in my chest and was getting breathless. I tried to carry on as normal whilst trying to get in at our GP, there were no slots until Friday but I was trying 111 in the meantime and they kept pushing it back on to my GP. Eventually it got too much and I went to A&E and it turns out I have pneumonia. We have a DS4 and a high energy dog so I couldn’t just rest. DH has had a deadline to meet this week so he’s been working hard and not present at home, I let him off mostly because he needed to get it done but as soon as the deadline passed on Friday he needed to step up and help out because I couldn’t physically do anything anymore. I did the school run Friday morning and it completely wiped me out. I was in tears from the pain. It was DH’s time to step up, he walked the dog, did the afternoon school run and cooked dinner whilst I rested in bed, all whilst huffing and puffing and complaining as though I was just doing it to piss him off. DS usually goes swimming on a Friday but I said not to worry about swimming this week because he said he was so so busy and had too much on his plate. So instead of swimming he took DS to pub. The man who was apparently so stuck for time and couldn’t juggle everything had plenty of time to go to the pub. The house is ditched, nothing is clean, washing is piled up, dirty plates are scattered around the kitchen. The bathroom is dirty. So much needed doing because I have been out of action and he just went to the pub. My friend came round and emptied then refilled the dishwasher for me. This morning we’ve had a blazing row because I asked him to do some jobs and he was utterly furious. He said I’m ungrateful and he’s trying (he really isn’t). I told him he’s been crap and he needs to do better. I needed him this week and he’s been utterly shit. It’s shocked me how appalling he’s been. It’s just made me think what if I ever got something bad like cancer? Sorry for the long post, I needed to get it off my chest. I daren’t tell friends because I’m just embarrassed. So many friends have offered to help in any way they can, I know they would all rally round for me but why should they when I have a perfectly capable adult in the house?

OP posts:
Original poster
Candlemadness · 19/11/2022 10:22

Oh and DS has been waking in the night and guess who’s been going in to comfort him? Me! I need to rest. Well I’m not doing anything now simply because I can’t.

OP posts:
kshaw · 19/11/2022 10:22

I had one like this. It's easier on your own honestly. Do you work?

Original poster
Candlemadness · 19/11/2022 10:35

I do the bookkeeping & admin for his company so don’t earn much at all.

OP posts:
TottersBlankly · 19/11/2022 10:44

You have pneumonia and your husband is complaining rather than throwing every cell of his being into helping you rest and get better? Shock

That’s really quite bad. Whatever happened to your wedding vows - did he say them with his fingers crossed behind his back?

This is the person who would be solely responsible for your child if (God forbid) a serious illness carried you off?

I’m wondering if he’s seemed perfect until now - has it just been that you’ve never asked anything of him, so never realised what he’s like?

I’m sorry. He’s not much of a husband.

harriethoyle · 19/11/2022 10:46

This is appalling OP. I'm not surprised your absolutely livid. Return the favour next time he gets ill if you stay together

Bathtubbathing · 19/11/2022 10:47

Wtf is wrong with some men?

I hope you feel better soon OP and please take time to reflect on your relationship, as this sounds grim.

Chailatteplease · 19/11/2022 10:49

I would be seriously considering staying with this man OP, I’d let him know that too.

Hope you feel better soon 💐

Babymamamama · 19/11/2022 10:53

Oh I had one of these useless ones. When we were together I used to wonder HOW ill I would actually have to be before he would step up. He’s long gone now. Even when my DC and I had covid (twice) he didn’t offer so much as to drop round a box of tissues.

He used to tell me absolutely everything was a “mother’s role” even though we both worked earning similar amounts and weren’t actually living in the 1950s. Now he’s gone yes I have to do everything but at least I don’t have to witness him shirking all responsibilities. Out of sight out of mind.

Jadedbuthappy82 · 19/11/2022 10:54

Had one like this 😬 it is shocking, it really is. Because you just expect a basic level of compassion and don't even receive that. I remember being in tears once with a migraine so bad I could hardly see. A one year old and a three year old, asked him for help and he just stood there, emotionless, and said "if you're that bad get to a&e." And brough both children and sat them on the bed next to me. He was long term unemployed. Never did anything with the children. It was my epiphany moment. He is now an ex. It got much worse from there tbh. I'm so sorry you are being treated like this. I promise you life will be happier on your own with your children. Good luck

GoldenCupidon · 19/11/2022 10:59

Does he know you actually can die of pneumonia? I suggest you basically pretend you’re asleep/semi conscious/half dead today and ignore him completely. And use the time to rest up and think about how much better off you’d be in a paid accounting/admin role and without a useless uncaring bloke getting in the way.

Daleksatemyshed · 19/11/2022 11:06

He sees himself as the provider who makes the money and your job is to be the all round maid of all work_ admin, nanny, housekeeper. He expects to focus on the business and non work time is for his leisure, going swimmings your job, he wants to be in the pub.
I'm glad you're angry, you should be, you're now seeing his real attitute, he's worked hard all week and you being ill doesn't suit him. Have a long hard talk with him about neglecting you and get a job somewhere else just incase

TottersBlankly · 19/11/2022 11:06

And yes - that ‘so’ … Shock

Do you know how much he would have to pay an employee he wasn’t taking advantage of? Have you checked? And have you checked how much you might earn elsewhere, full time.

I don’t want to be glib - but it’s always pointed out on this type of thread (and there are many) that if you were divorced he would have to look after your child on his own at least part of the time. And run his own household. Until he found another sucker.

RandomMess · 19/11/2022 11:12
Flowers

I how you feel better soon.

As for your H Angry

TheaBrandt · 19/11/2022 11:15

Disgraceful. I was out of action with covid for 10 days Dh stepped up did everything without a murmur. Yes the teens had alot of ham based meals but otherwise everything carried on as normal. He was better at getting kids to do stuff too. And I bet his job is higher pressure than your dhs.

Withnoshoes · 19/11/2022 11:18

Pneumonia can get really serious. You absolutely need to rest, fuel and hydrate. Take meds as prescribed. You could end up hospitalised . Shut the door and ignore the mess. He is an adult let him get on with it and rest. If you have to deal with it when you are better.

If he won’t help you go downstairs get what you need for a good few hours and then back to hibernate and rest.

Autumntimeagain · 19/11/2022 11:19

Honestly OP, he's not going to improve, because they never do.

If you can take yourself off to a relative/friends house for a few days until your health improves, do it.

You can save the arguement about how utterly selfish and abusive he's being until you feel better.

And never, ever give him the 'nurse' treatment when he is ill. (That's if you even decide to stay with him, which I know I certainly couldn't do. When they show you how little they actually care, and how they're happy to watch you suffer, it's hard to feel the same love for them ever again...)

Fluffycloudland77 · 19/11/2022 11:19

Apparently men are more likely to leave/divorce a woman than vice versa if they get cancer.

Im not surprised you told him he’s being crap.

dreamingbohemian · 19/11/2022 11:21

That is appalling. You can actually die from pneumonia, you need to take care of yourself.

If you have people willing to help, please have them over. They might shame your husband into actually doing something. Don't worry about what they think, I would gladly help out a friend with a useless husband.

When you are feeling better give some serious thought to whether you should stay with him. If you can't rely on him when things are tough, what good is he? Taking a 4 year old to the pub when you're so ill! Good lord.

Freddiefan · 19/11/2022 11:28

Normally I don't sleep during the day but when I had pneumonia I would get up, have a quick shower, put on clean pyjamas and go back to bed with a cup of tea and sleep for most of the day. Basically I just slept myself better.

Do you have a relative that you could go and stay with OP? You really need to rest.

LifeIsJustOneBigWTAF · 19/11/2022 11:33

Take all offers of help from your friends OP. You and your son need their support while you recover.

As for your husband, what a waste of skin.

pocketvenuss · 19/11/2022 11:34

OP your 'd'h doesn't love you. I would go as far as to say he doesn't even like you. His actions say it all. Think about it. Would you behave the way he has if you loved or even liked someone. Even your friend came and helped. Because she cares about you. He doesn't. He sees you as a convenience. A pair of hands to do stuff. When you can't, he is resentful as you are serving no purpose. As for doing anything helpful let alone nice for you, nah. Not doing that. Because he doesn't like you. Sorry to be blunt but you need to get this.

KateBalesCardi · 19/11/2022 11:40

Please tell your friends the truth OP, get them round to do what your DH won't and don't be embarrassed, it's him who should be ashamed. You need looking after, pneumonia is dangerous and you really do need to rest, please don't deny yourself that just because you don't want your friends to know he's an arsehole.

I don't want to scare you but my friend died of pneumonia, she'd been ill with a terrible cough but hadn't realised how serious it was. She saw a doctor that morning and was prescribed antibiotics, lay down for a rest in the afternoon and her poor daughter found her dead in bed two hours later, she was 41.

You need help and he won't provide it so please call your friends/family. Let him be embarrassed by his lack of care for you, he deserves that at the very least and you deserve better than a man who leaves you to fend for yourself (and DC) when you're this ill Flowers

Soothsayer1 · 19/11/2022 11:51

Candlemadness · 19/11/2022 10:35

I do the bookkeeping & admin for his company so don’t earn much at all.

In my view this is why he feels able to treat you like this, he has all the power, he 'owns' you completely, you probably didn't realise the implications of what you were doing and he may just be acting on animal instinct here.
If the situation is not salvageable I would keep him sweet but covertly make plans for a better life for yourself

crimsonlake · 19/11/2022 11:51

I was treated in a similar fashion when I had pneumonia many years ago.
At the time we had a 12 month old and a 2.5 year old and despite seeing how ill I was went to work, stayed over night for a works do and returned the next evening. At the time pneumonia had not been confirmed but he could see I could barely get out of bed. My sister's came round on rota and stayed over to look after the children, basically I missed all of August that Summer.
I never forgave my ex, but stupidly stayed with him...
It can be very serious if you do not get the right treatment, I hope someone else steps up to look after you.

JCoverdale · 19/11/2022 12:14

This very serious and I speak from personal experience. Are you well enough in yourself to go and stay with friends or family? Physically speaking, you need to be doing NOTHING. No stress, no housework, no childcare. You need to sleep as much as you are able. No alarm clocks or being woken at night. Your husband will have to handle everything without you. You need to spend time away and have complete rest. if you are luck enough to be well off, book a quiet hotel for a week to get better. If you don't care of this now, it will come back!