DH has been utterly crap

[Candlemadness]

NC because it’s outing.
I’ve been very poorly this week, been struggling massively since Monday. Had a cough for 4 weeks, had pain in my chest and was getting breathless. I tried to carry on as normal whilst trying to get in at our GP, there were no slots until Friday but I was trying 111 in the meantime and they kept pushing it back on to my GP. Eventually it got too much and I went to A&E and it turns out I have pneumonia. We have a DS4 and a high energy dog so I couldn’t just rest. DH has had a deadline to meet this week so he’s been working hard and not present at home, I let him off mostly because he needed to get it done but as soon as the deadline passed on Friday he needed to step up and help out because I couldn’t physically do anything anymore. I did the school run Friday morning and it completely wiped me out. I was in tears from the pain. It was DH’s time to step up, he walked the dog, did the afternoon school run and cooked dinner whilst I rested in bed, all whilst huffing and puffing and complaining as though I was just doing it to piss him off. DS usually goes swimming on a Friday but I said not to worry about swimming this week because he said he was so so busy and had too much on his plate. So instead of swimming he took DS to pub. The man who was apparently so stuck for time and couldn’t juggle everything had plenty of time to go to the pub. The house is ditched, nothing is clean, washing is piled up, dirty plates are scattered around the kitchen. The bathroom is dirty. So much needed doing because I have been out of action and he just went to the pub. My friend came round and emptied then refilled the dishwasher for me. This morning we’ve had a blazing row because I asked him to do some jobs and he was utterly furious. He said I’m ungrateful and he’s trying (he really isn’t). I told him he’s been crap and he needs to do better. I needed him this week and he’s been utterly shit. It’s shocked me how appalling he’s been. It’s just made me think what if I ever got something bad like cancer? Sorry for the long post, I needed to get it off my chest. I daren’t tell friends because I’m just embarrassed. So many friends have offered to help in any way they can, I know they would all rally round for me but why should they when I have a perfectly capable adult in the house?

This is serious and you need help. Tell your friends what a cunt your DH is and ask them to help you - it might even shame him but unlikely as he probably thinks that women should do all the work. When you are better look for a different job, you are way too dependent on his horrible man.

They wanted to hospitalise DH when he had pneumonia and it took him months to recover and it triggered an autoimmune condition

It really is very serious and it will be a long haul

Can I just ad OP that you have found out already that you have got one of the men who cannot cope with illness, does not want to, and can't cover you and take care of you while you are ill? It's great that you have found this out now and not 20 years down the line! Concentrate on getting well - please - you can deal with him when you get better. I'm afraid you need a break from taking care of your infant - as I said above - he needs to be Dad and you need a complete rest. Pleasant thoughts and plenty of Borodin and Grieg x Your mental state will greatly affect your recovery so please don't let anyone encourage you to get angry atm. Think of yourself, now. Don't forget vitamin c and d, obviously.

Your DH sounds awful .. he should be stepping up and doing everything whilst you recover .. you could end up hospitised then what will he do .. he clearly doesn't give a shit .. I was quite poorly last year and bedridden for 2 weeks.. I mostly slept but my DH did everything and never complained once whilst looking after our children.. myself and the housework plus he worked too..

Could you and kids go stay with anyone just while you have a rest? He might realise then?!

I sometimes share MN threats with my hubby ( We love a chat about different situations! ) He is quite angry at this one!

I had one like this. He would get so angry if I was sick because it inconvenienced him. He treated strangers better.

You have got to rest otherwise you will never recover. Could the DC stay with someone?

When you are better I would consider my options.

Well he has shown you that when/if things are bad he won't support you. Better to find out now I suppose as there will inevitably be other times.
I would accept any help you can get from friends and other relatives to get through this period. If they all think he is being a prat so be it, you shouldn't feel the need to hide the truth.
When you are better you need to work towards improving your work situation/ independence so you aren't so completely dependent on him. I suspect he would prefer to keep you without choices though so you might need to present this as improving the family finances not just yours.

Pneumonia is serious whether you need to be in hospital or not. You need to rest! And then it may be quite a while before you feel yourself again so he needs to change his attitude.
Tell your friends - you need practical support. And maybe one of them might take it in themselves to give him a kick up the backside. Don’t hide his behaviour- it’s his shame, not yours.
and hope you start feeling better soon

He has to be the star of the show, the top dog, the important one, that's why he can't bring himself to make you feel important by caring for you when you're severely ill.
You are worth much better than this OP

pneumonia is dangerous. He needs to be stepping up what a selfish prick!

Don't do anything else - even when your better don't do anything for him. No more washing his pots and plates, no more washing his clothes, or picking up after him. He needs to learn the hard way.

First focus on getting well. Accept all help from whoever. Share how your husband has been and your shock.

When strong enough to resume work, hand in your notice and look for a new job.

Consider the positives and negatives of staying with your husband. List what needs to change and be honest as to whether he will commit to changes.

Ask yourself if he loves and respects you and think about whether you can say the same.

Please please tell friends. Tell them you need help and Dh is being useless and you’re so embarrassed but any help would be great, and the more public the better since he should be ashamed.
When you’re better, and working again, screw him and his company. Use some of your time to find another job, and the rest to go to the cafe/pub and tell him I TRIED, apparently that’s perfectly reasonable.

my Dh was crap when I was sick. I was nowhere near as sick as you and eventually I told him I would leave him if he didn’t change, as one of us will get sick and infirm sooner than the other as we get old and if it was me I wanted to be with someone who cared and if it was him like fuck was I nursing him through old age if he can’t even look after our children now, so I had better end it sooner rather than later to go find that man who would be there for me when I’m old. It wasn’t till then that he changed. Like you, I didn’t tell friends and I regret that so much. When I told my Dh I should tell all my friends and his family how he behaved when I’m sick, his face said he realised how much they would judge him. Because it’s not ok.

but most importantly, look after yourself right now. Don’t get up. Take as long as you need. You’re only being given half support to recover, so it will take twice as long.

If you can’t be honest with your friends they’re not really friends. However, the way they have stepped up for you show they are true friends and I strongly suspect they see exactly what DH is like.

You can’t muck about with pneumonia so I agree that you might consider going to stay elsewhere while you convalesce.

When you’ve recovered consider finding a new job with fair pay and leave DH to pay someone to do your old role. This skivvying can’t continue.

You need to focus on getting employment and career that are not dependent on him. Urgently.

Poor love can't manage without his housekeeper.
My migraines had me bedridden.. Dh declared 'but you look fine'..
Exh for many years...

Utilise your friends for the minute OP..focus on getting well. Then reevaluate the relationship with this specimen when you're well. Let everyone know you're basically alone and need help.

It would be ok taking ds to the pub for meal if he had cleaned and tidied up at home and to give you a break
Does he not help any other time ?
When one of us is ill the other always picks up the slack its just what you do as a couple / partnership

Get a friend or two round for a chat n a cuppa. I would be saying oh sorry the house is such a mess husband thought it better to go to the pub, and tell them exactly how useless dh has been and moaning. While he’s in ear shot. Might make him think again

Absolutely this.

He won't change. Phone a dog walker for the dog, phone a cleaning agency for a cleaner, phone a friend for the school run and phone a divorce lawyer for the twat of a husband. Look after yourself OP, and start making plans.

Best advice ever

Not really.

OP shouldn't be doing any of this now. People don't seem to understand what pneumonia is. So she is to source and make arrangements with all these service providing people to come to the house? People she has never met and she needs to discuss and arrange the services she needs? Is she supposed to get up to let them in? Who is going to pay them and how? She needs to be in bed not chasing around paying and fixing to do what her husband hasn't!

So sorry you are very unwell and having such a hard time. Can you order some genuine home made chicken soup from somewhere to be delivered and charge it to DH? Some of the tinned chicken noodle soup is not too bad either.

“I daren’t tell friends because I’m just embarrassed.”

@Candlemadness I am so sorry for you. Unfortunately your embarrassment is protecting him and making your recovery so much slower. I am not suggesting that you are being abused at all, however, bad behaviour and abuse thrive because the victims are usually too embarrassed to tell other people and the abuser gets to present themselves as a loving, dedicated partner.

Pneumonia is very serious and you need to get all of the help you need to make sure you get well, not worse. Accept the help from your friends and tell them that you are embarrassed to need it when you have a perfectly capable adult in the house, do not be quiet and shy about it either, speak loudly. Tell them you are too ill to keep rowing about it with him to try and get him to step up and have realised you have to rely on them and not him. Your friends will form an opinion of him based on the truth not some pretence and I have a feeling you will need them in the future.

Get well soon OP.

for you op because pneumonia is horrendous. My DH had it and was hospitalised for 4 days and took months to recover . He couldn't do much at all and I didn't expect to . He couldn't hold a conversation without getting out of breath . Your DH is an absolute piece of shit. I bet when he's ill the dressing gown of doom comes out and you wait on him hand and foot . He's like this because he's a misogynistic twat who expects the woman to be doing all the household tasks and childcare . How dare you ask anything of him and have the audacity to be ill.

I would really be thinking about a future with him .