DH has been utterly crap

[Candlemadness]

NC because it’s outing.
I’ve been very poorly this week, been struggling massively since Monday. Had a cough for 4 weeks, had pain in my chest and was getting breathless. I tried to carry on as normal whilst trying to get in at our GP, there were no slots until Friday but I was trying 111 in the meantime and they kept pushing it back on to my GP. Eventually it got too much and I went to A&E and it turns out I have pneumonia. We have a DS4 and a high energy dog so I couldn’t just rest. DH has had a deadline to meet this week so he’s been working hard and not present at home, I let him off mostly because he needed to get it done but as soon as the deadline passed on Friday he needed to step up and help out because I couldn’t physically do anything anymore. I did the school run Friday morning and it completely wiped me out. I was in tears from the pain. It was DH’s time to step up, he walked the dog, did the afternoon school run and cooked dinner whilst I rested in bed, all whilst huffing and puffing and complaining as though I was just doing it to piss him off. DS usually goes swimming on a Friday but I said not to worry about swimming this week because he said he was so so busy and had too much on his plate. So instead of swimming he took DS to pub. The man who was apparently so stuck for time and couldn’t juggle everything had plenty of time to go to the pub. The house is ditched, nothing is clean, washing is piled up, dirty plates are scattered around the kitchen. The bathroom is dirty. So much needed doing because I have been out of action and he just went to the pub. My friend came round and emptied then refilled the dishwasher for me. This morning we’ve had a blazing row because I asked him to do some jobs and he was utterly furious. He said I’m ungrateful and he’s trying (he really isn’t). I told him he’s been crap and he needs to do better. I needed him this week and he’s been utterly shit. It’s shocked me how appalling he’s been. It’s just made me think what if I ever got something bad like cancer? Sorry for the long post, I needed to get it off my chest. I daren’t tell friends because I’m just embarrassed. So many friends have offered to help in any way they can, I know they would all rally round for me but why should they when I have a perfectly capable adult in the house?

Thank you for all your well wishes, you’re all right, I need to have a sit down and work out where I go from here because it’s just not good enough. My friends came round today and looked after DS, took him to the park and to the shop to get me a present. They also brought lunch so I’m very grateful. DH spent the whole time sat on the sofa watching the F1, I wish I was joking 😫

Absolute joke of a man. Disgusting behaviour and he should be ashamed your friend had to come and empty the dishwasher

Just read your last message, your friend had to come over and take care of your child whilst your DH watched the F1? There’s no way I’d be in the marriage a minute longer.

FFS Op, your friends looked after you and he watched the TV, has he no shame. Obviously your friends are female so they do female things, like helping and compassion but he thinks that's just fine. Please get better soon and then kick his arse. He'll think you're terribly unreasonable but I for one will be cheering you on all the way!

I had pneumonia a few years ago, and it took me nearly 3 months to get better from because I didn't rest and carried on running the house as it was far too much for DH to try and even attempt So do yourself a favour and go to bed and stay there (but don't lie down!). If you're in bed, you can't do childcare or housework. And let him fester in his mess. Seriously. This isn't the time to be a martyr about things - I learned that the hard way.

I hope you feel better soon.

My crap husband stayed home and watched sport while I took 3 children under 5 to a breast biopsy.

Live was immeasurably better without him.

He's shown you exactly how much you and the children mean to him, what a wanker.

Take all the help from friends please, you deserve it.

DH spent the whole time sat on the sofa watching the F1
HIMO he's not a partner, he's an 'I'll do as I please and you'll do as you're told' merchant.
From now on I'd be only pretending in order to keep him sweet whilst quietly making my plan for a better life

He’s checked out of your marriage OP. My ex got like this once he had had enough of parenting (and me). When I was ill he would ignore and forget all about me. I had to ring the dc (on their phones in their rooms) to bring me water. My mum was absolutely livid when she heard. Where are your family? Can they help? And ignore the mess. You need to go and stay with people who will look after you or get them to move in or get your dh to pay to put family up in a hotel so they can step in. I was too proud and embarrassed for many years to talk about the fact exH did not do his share or contribute. Felt like a total fool for landing myself with such a loser. But he’s the one who should feel ashamed and embarrassed not you. Reach out to family and tell them the truth.

I was too proud and embarrassed for many years to talk about the fact exH did not do his share or contribute. Felt like a total fool for landing myself with such a loser
he knew/sensed that you'd not feel able to talk to others.....that's why he did it, predators are attracted to victims whom they know/sense they can exploit (imo/e)

"DH spent the whole time sat on the sofa watching the F1, I wish I was joking 😫"

Utterly disgusted to read this. I couldn't possibly stay another minute with that piece of shit. What a terrible role model for your son.

Poor you OP - I feel really sorry for you. I hope you feel better v v soon xx

Go and stay with someone, leaving him in charge of DS while you recover.
Look for a paid job.

Tell him he's taking his position for granted and he's totally failed to appreciate your work.

Tell your friends. Ask them for help. Your silence is protecting him and keeping you from getting the help you desperately need. If knew you even slightly IRL and heard you needed help I would be there with my sleeves rolled up and ready.

Do not get up in the night any more for DS.

Don't mess around with pneumonia. It can kill.

You've seen the real man you're dealing with. He's cruel, and what he's doing to you is abusive. This is the behaviour of someone who doesn't even like you, let alone love, honour, and cherish you.

Make plans to divorce. Honestly, you have nothing to lose here.

Look at the stats. It's depressing. When men get cancer women support them. When women get cancer men leave.

leaving him in charge of DS while you recover
he deserves to be left to get on with things, BUT he will neglect them to punish her, whatever she does he will spin and maneuver to make sure it hurts her more than it hurts him

Why should they when I have a perfectly capable adult in the house?

all whilst huffing and puffing and complaining

He simply doesn't really want to do those tasks. Rather than separating you from this illness (which would require some emotional work, like empathy from him), he probably see you and the pneumonia as a homogenous whole as the reason why he's having to do xyz, hence the huffing & puffing and making damn well sure you know he's displeased.

He's going to be even more resentful if he has more deep-seated ideas about gender roles. Some men see most household duties, boring admin and childcare as women's work, and unfortunately, many women only find this out when they have kids with such men. It is your job or destiny in life to fulfil this role, so when you can't, you will not be offered much support or sympathy. They'll be angry and resentful at your failure to perform, because you are seen as an inconvenient, malfunctioning household applicance.

Such things often break marriages and I've seen women still angry at this type of shittyness decades later. No wonder you're questioning what this means if you have a more serious illness.

I agree excellent advice.

WTF. I think he's made his feelings about you and your marriage very clear. He is angry at you for malfunctioning. Where's is the support, the care?

I'm never going to forget going to bed ill with a stomach bug one bank holiday weekend. We didn't have kids yet, so it didn't inconvenience DH, but I vividly recall him coming to stand near me and saying 'Well this is a waste of a weekend'.

Knobhead.

Just read your update OP. I can't believe he isn't embarrassed that your friend had to take out the DC. Definitely time to make plans. He clearly won't ever put either of you first.

It's so depressing that he's doing less for his wife and the mother of his child - whom he purportedly loves - than most of us would do for a neighbour we hardly know, if they were going through what you are.

This.

Tell everyone who cares about you the truth.

Pneumonia turns into double Pneumonia very quickly and can be a real threat to your life.

Please be very careful.

This man has really shown you he does not give a damn.

Please believe him and never be in this situation again.

Do not feel embarrassed.

He has disgraced only himself.

I hope you feel better soon.