How do we avoid feeling taken for granted by our husbands after children come along?

[Peppermintie]

I am contemplating leaving my husband because I feel worn down, taken for granted, under valued and uncared for.

After a string of disappointing relationships, I met DH after remaining single for a few years, working on myself, deciding what I would and wouldn't accept from men. I met a great guy (now husband) and did a lot of work during our courtship on ensuring that I maintained my power, had a fulfilling life outside of him, made sure he knew my worth, pleased myself more than pleasing him. And it all worked well. We married after a couple of years and had out first child soon after!

He's very much a hands on father, but his commitment to me has dwindled over the last 4 years that we've had out children. He makes more time for his single man pursuits than time for me and I haven't been able to keep up my independence and freedom through breastfeeding and caring for two little ones for almost 3 years.

I'm just nowhere near as glamorous and outgoing as I used to be, which I'm absolutely fine with. This chapter of motherhood means that my priorities have changed and when DCs go to school, I'm sure I'll be more like my old self again. But I'm disappointed with DH that he clearly doesn't see much value in what I do or who I am at the moment during this short chapter of our lives.

I keep initiating conversation about date nights and he just seems more concerned with getting in his poker nights and golfing days with friends. I wouldn't mind if our time together was the priority but it's like I'm his live-in nanny and time together as a couple has fallen by the way-side.

I've spoken to friends and they are all saying similar things. One friend told me her husband said that he no longer feels attracted to her post-kids, that her body has changed too much and that she's changed. Another friend said he husband is out most nights doing his hobby whilst she's bathing young children and nursing them to sleep. That he also doesn't prioritise her anymore.

Is there any mothers of young children out there managing to keep their husbands interested and are being valued, appreciated and treated well? Without having to dump their kids in the care of others on a regular basis to maintain some level of connection and intimacy with their husbands?

This is keeping me up at night, making me feel worthless and he just seems to be carrying on as if all is fine. Friends tell me to accept it "it happens to us all" but I just feel so rejected and surely I don't have to accept this?

I don’t know is the honest answer. I’m pregnant for the first time and it’s twins.

Good boundaries and focus on fairness are my first thoughts. Same amount of time off. Fine if he wants to go to a games night at Mike’s house but you are going to the cinema that week with your friend Jess. Plus make him realise the things you do e.g. regularly leave him in sole charge of the children. Don’t run around after him all the time. I die a bit inside when l see on here that men can’t / won’t have their children ok their own and talk about “helping”.

My fiancé has made some noises about me going back part time. I’ve said no fucking way. I don’t earn that much less than him. Plus l did lots of IVF (l know he did too but the majority of the burden was on me), twin pregnancy is draining, then l have got to give birth and do maternity leave. I proposed we both cut back our hours and do some compressed days. I refuse to be left behind in the career / earning stakes plus the more we earn as a family, then we all benefit from

Have you actually spoken to him explicitly? Not just dropping hints about date nights but 'you go out all the time with your friends and I feel neglected/taken advantage of... We haven't been on a date night in six months... Your attitude makes me feel unattractive...you want to spend time with your friends and not your family' etc

My DH is good but I am currently on mat leave and I do need to point out to him what's going on sometimes. Eg being away from home with work for a week and getting back and the next day wanting to watch a football match/go running etc, I've had to point out that's not on. And also that I'm not his mother, he needs to think to not do those things, not ask my 'permission' and get pissy when I say no.

And we still have a cleaner for eg because although I'm on mat leave it's not my job to just be the housekeeper. I need help too. Obviously that depends on your finances.

Communication is key. Many many men simple don't pick up on the hints and we bottle it up until we're fit to burst. So spell things out clearly that you a) need time out too and b) want to be in a relationship not an arrangement.

It is hard. There's no question about it. My DH and I though do make time for each other, we have reasonable balance. We try to go away on our own once a year too for long weekend. That deff helps rekindle the connection of life pre kids.

Even if we are staying in, most weekends, we plan a nice dinner, bottle of wine and enjoy a meal together or a film on the sofa.

I think it helps that in our 16yr relationship we only had kids 3yrs ago. We were very solid going into it and had lots of life experience with each other for those boundaries to naturally be defined.

I've had all those conversations too but to no avail @NotMyDayJob . He agrees at the time, apologises, but then behaves the same way! It's draining. I'm sick of saying "I'm not your manager, choose to do the right things for yourself!"

You're striking the balance brilliantly @YoBeaches I think your years together have definitely given you good foundations. I guess this is an advantage we don't have.

I've tried the whole date nights in thing and he doesn't get it- he only really gets that it's a date night if we go out. Last time I cooked a nice dinner for us and he put the kids to bed, I was sat waiting for him dinner ready, thinking that bedtime was taking longer than usual. Then I went looking and found hin slouched on the sofa on his phone "waiting" for me to shout him through when it was ready. I've given up now. And because I've given up, now nobody is trying.

It's all about balance. If he has a hobby or regular group he wants to meet, think about how often you want that to be, what's reasonable for you both and is he content for you to do the same?
Think it's important for him to take charge some nights and you to have some time off.
My kids are a bit older, but DH plays sport once a week with his mates and I do book club monthly and go to the theatre with mine. His is more regular but I'm ok with that. Golf is tricky as it's a time sap but building boundaries about what is acceptable - once a month, once every two months - should help.

As for date night, can you just book a night out together every couple of months and get a babysitter? Maybe you need to arrange it which may be frustrating but at least it would happen.

Does he pull his weight in other ways helping with the kids and round the house?

Have you gone back to work? I think if you're a SAHM it's harder as your life has narrowed while his has stayed the same. And it is easy to feel undervalued.

Some practical things we have done:

1. Got a cleaner. dH was happy to do more round the house but if he's cleaning he's not looking after the kids which gives me time out.
2. I invested in hello fresh for 2 months - because the prepackaged ingredients and fool proof instructions meant DH can do the cooking whilst I do bedtime. No sitting on sofa. Now he's much more confident and will go to the supermarket and contribute to meal Planning. On busy weeks we will still order a hello fresh, maybe one week per month.
3. Dont ask permission. We have a calendar on the wall - everything has to go on it and we then balance what each of us can commit to more fairly. Seeing things written down helps visualise the imbalance. In your case - use different colour pens for each of you to really make it obvious.
4. Actually Make plans. I am much less likely to be flexible and give up my me time if I have planned something with a friend. Going for a swim, to a show, or just out for a drink and bit to eat. Dh is also more inclined to respect that time and not encroach it.
5. Communicate if it's not working well. If you are thinking about leaving, realistically, then you have nothing to loose. Sometimes I feel Dh takes our relationship for granted, in some ways because we're so secure, but that's also complacent. whereas I really don't. People get divorced all the time, it could just as easily happen to us. It takes work from both sides, so talk it out - you have nothing to lose if you might leave anyway. And knowing you can leave is actually very empowering and motivating to make it work better. Because you deserve better.

You want a relationship, not a housemate. You need to make that clear and repeat it.

Xx

We both work.
We've had SO many conversations about the division of time "off" and being more assertive about couple time but he doesn't contribute to any of these conversations, nods his head, agrees for a quiet life then does his own thing anyway.
He even ignores the family calender, just doesn't use it and does his own thing regardless.

I'm sure that me pushing for grown up conversations with him just makes him feel even more resentful.

He hates communication that isn't gossip or superficial surface level stuff.

Leave him to look after his children once or twice a week and go and do something you enjoy

Firstly just want to say I am sorry you're in this situation it was my worst nightmare and I also did those things while dating my now DH of putting myself first, making sure he shared the load etc. I can't imagine how hard it must be to be in the sleep deprivation and brain fog of having young DC and wondering how this happened.

Personally I think conversations do not and will not help (maybe they will in 0.00000001% of times). You've had the open and honest conversation with him that you are feeling unappreciated, he apologised/"understood"/made all the right noises about changes that never happened. After this you need to take action. Yes your goal is to have couple time and regain that closeness between you but before that can happen you need to get him to REALLY understand how it feels to be left at home with young DC while the other goes out socialising. The way to do this is tell him "we have spoken about how I feel unappreciated and the balance between us getting time alone out the house is very unbalanced, you promised things would change and from my perspective they haven't so I'm letting you know that from now on I'm going to be going to a weekly Zumba class/meet Jenny for hot chocolate on regular Thursday evenings/take up a pottery class and so you'll need to do bath and bedtime on your own". You don't need to do any of those things if there is nothing you really want (or have the energy to do) right now - you could be sitting in your car somewhere with a thermos and blanket reading a book for all he knows - but the fact of following through and him having to do on his own what you do on your own when he goes out will make him see and understand. It is the ONLY way. Only then when things are more equal can you start to rebuild the couple time with a real benefit to you.

Then stop having conversations about it. Words aren't working...accept that and take action.

Stop letting him walk all over you.

If he has a golf day or a poker night say no. Sorry. I'm out that day/ night. So you'll need to stay in and watch the kids. Then go out.

Why on earth are you waiting for your kids to be in school before you do things for yourself?

On the date night/spending time together front it doesn't sound like he wants to tbh.

So only you know if you can put up with that.

if youre talking and he's not listening and you don't think he actually wants to spend time with you then it might be time to have the 'i'm not asking i'm telling you if things don't change i am leaving you' chat. but obviously you have to follow through on that.

and don't be afraid to say no. When he says I'm going to play golf all day on saturday (or whatever) 'no you're not i need help with the kids' etc

This is really key. He ignores the family calendar - what do you do when he does? If it's not 'sorry, no, I'm out with Friend/Imaginary Friend/my spaceship building club, it's on the calendar, you've got the kids' , then he has no incentive to change or pay attention to it.

Similarly, I'd focus on time for you before time as a couple. First, because it will help you to be someone other than the Mum Of Small People, second because you are currently there whenever he wants or needs you to be. Change that a bit. Make yourself a more scarce commodity.

I have said this on here many times op.

DH is was a workaholic and admittedly at the time I didn't work. He was out of the house Monday to Friday from before 7 until after 9. I literally did everything on the home front. On a Saturday or late Friday night he would say tomorrow I'm playing golf, going to football, etc. No discussion.

One Saturday morning I announced at about 7am, I'm going out today, have plans in London. x has a party at, at, the present is in the cupboard and needs wrapping, y has activity from x to y, your dry cleaning needs collecting and they have a tennis lesson at 4. Lunch is a and dinner is b. Then they will need their bath. I had to leave written instructions.

Then I flounced out, went to a few galleries and the shops and a long day was hard to reach the end of. I came home by buses and had a walk to stretch it to 7.30. He was sheepish when I got home, opened a bottle of wine and ordered a takeaway.

We never discussed it again. He never did it again. He didn't have the audacity to tell me he was tired but he looked shattered.

He even ignores the family calender, just doesn't use it and does his own thing regardless
Whatever he does do it back to him, if he makes plans ignore them and do your own thing make sure this causes him a huge amount of convenience and just shrug if he complains.
Stop indulging him with long discussions about things when you do this you are subordinating yourself to him, start acting like he does... never explain never apologise (but of course make sure it doesn't hurt the children)

Applauds @RosesAndHellebores . There is no point talking, action is the only way he will understand.

It's quite funny now DS is 16, in the last couple of years friends have rediscovered their freedoms and I've had a number of ladies weekends away. When DS was 11 DH decided to get a dog and I have refused to let my life be compromised by him, so I'm the one going out more now after DHs many too many hill walking weekends when DS was younger.

It's sad but don't focus on coupledom for now.Focus on putting yourself centre of your own world - or as much as you can without compromising your DCs - he should understand quick enough and respond.

You tried to find a decent man but despite your efforts he is not a good man. You say he's a hands on father but he doesn't sound it either.

Don't do the sunken costs thing.

You've tried to change things. You've explained things and he's ignored what you've said and your feelings. This sends you a clear message. I think you need to cut your losses and leave.

It sounds like you set this dynamic up early on in your relationship and now you've had kids, it's you who has less time to have a fulfilling life outside of him. You need to move into a more interdependent way of being which will take a change of mindset for both of you and ultimately lead to a healthier relationship.

Ignoring the family calendar is taking the piss out of you.
He knows you will put up with it because you have previously. You have to tell him to stop taking the piss.

So many men want the veil of family life respectability and stability but do little contribution apart from basic adulting like having a job. Golfing, nights out, cycling whatever in the knowledge woman at home holding it all together.

I'm in a similar position and it's exhausting. Never mind the 20 questions a day their brains can't fathom the answer to because they have a dick not a vagina.

I’m at the men are arseholes stage. 4 kids, together 28 years. I brought up the children, he did his own thing, I seethed with resentment. The kids are grown now and I have a fabulous all consuming hobby that doesn’t include him and he’s butt-sore about it. The kids have a distant relationship with him too because he was never there for them.

Long may you thrive and enjoy your fabulous all consuming hobby @Velvetbee 😇

I think it’s a common issue and I have experienced this to a lesser degree. I think the difference is that when our kids were first born I basically took DH to task every time he didn’t pull his weight. So we didn’t form new frustrating patterns. I also refused to become a housekeeper whilst caring for small children- even during periods I wasn’t working.

However you could do all the above and end up divorced. At the end of the day you can set boundaries and people either respect them (and you have a great marriage) or they don’t, and you have to decide what the consequence to that is.

In your shoes I would have a serious conversation with your OH and be willing to leave but also see if he is willing to step up.

Did your friends husband really say that about her body!?