How do we avoid feeling taken for granted by our husbands after children come along?

[Peppermintie]

I am contemplating leaving my husband because I feel worn down, taken for granted, under valued and uncared for.

After a string of disappointing relationships, I met DH after remaining single for a few years, working on myself, deciding what I would and wouldn't accept from men. I met a great guy (now husband) and did a lot of work during our courtship on ensuring that I maintained my power, had a fulfilling life outside of him, made sure he knew my worth, pleased myself more than pleasing him. And it all worked well. We married after a couple of years and had out first child soon after!

He's very much a hands on father, but his commitment to me has dwindled over the last 4 years that we've had out children. He makes more time for his single man pursuits than time for me and I haven't been able to keep up my independence and freedom through breastfeeding and caring for two little ones for almost 3 years.

I'm just nowhere near as glamorous and outgoing as I used to be, which I'm absolutely fine with. This chapter of motherhood means that my priorities have changed and when DCs go to school, I'm sure I'll be more like my old self again. But I'm disappointed with DH that he clearly doesn't see much value in what I do or who I am at the moment during this short chapter of our lives.

I keep initiating conversation about date nights and he just seems more concerned with getting in his poker nights and golfing days with friends. I wouldn't mind if our time together was the priority but it's like I'm his live-in nanny and time together as a couple has fallen by the way-side.

I've spoken to friends and they are all saying similar things. One friend told me her husband said that he no longer feels attracted to her post-kids, that her body has changed too much and that she's changed. Another friend said he husband is out most nights doing his hobby whilst she's bathing young children and nursing them to sleep. That he also doesn't prioritise her anymore.

Is there any mothers of young children out there managing to keep their husbands interested and are being valued, appreciated and treated well? Without having to dump their kids in the care of others on a regular basis to maintain some level of connection and intimacy with their husbands?

This is keeping me up at night, making me feel worthless and he just seems to be carrying on as if all is fine. Friends tell me to accept it "it happens to us all" but I just feel so rejected and surely I don't have to accept this?

This happens to so many of us….
I think we need to push back and make time for ourselves.

What has happened to the art of communication? I mean true communication and not just a talk. So many of the issues on MN are caused by lack of this.

Umm I think many DHs/DPs have always been useless selfish bastards, in ye olden days many women just put up with it.

I hate this narrative that everything can be solved by a damn good talk, and of course yet another stick to beat a struggling DM with.

Any decent man knows what fair looks like, he just prefers to pretend he doesn't. Talk is cheap, giving them a taste of their own medicine is much more likely to get results.

Some men can't communicate @fannyfartlet.

I wasn't completely honest in my original post. I wanted to gage opinions on my reason for leaving. I actually left him over all of this 3 weeks ago and I'm having a wobble.

3 years of discussion has done us no good. I joined a gym 18 months ago, took up pilates, do an art group but these were things I couldn't do when the children were babies and I was breastfeeding around the clock. It was impossible. I just can't forget that he completely took this piss out of me for 2 years, so I did actually leave him. I wanted to check that I'd done the right thing, that there isn't anything else I could have done and by these posts, I don't think anyone has mentioned anything I haven't already tried. He has gladly accepted my new hobbies and independent life, but as a result, we're never in the house together and our relationship has died.

Sounds to me like he never was a team player, he can only function if he's the boss?

What has happened to the art of communication? I mean true communication and not just a talk. So many of the issues on MN are caused by lack of this.

I disagree. Putting things down to a lack of communication implies that everything would be fine if people could express how they feel and what they need. I don't think that's at all true. I don't think it's that these lazy or inconsiderate men have failed to hear or understand the communication, but that they don't really care. They like having more free time and fewer family commitments,so they deliberately turn a deaf ear or make promises that they have no intention of keeping. They know their wife will eventually give up nagging and will carry on taking on most of the burden.

I’m really sorry it didn’t work out for you. Hope you’re doing ok. I think you made a good, brave move for yourself.

Thank you. It's difficult when, as mothers, we want to keep our families together, but then have to pull against those instincts and break the family up because you're just fading to nothing if you don't.

Nothing to wobble about, the man openly didn’t care about you or the kids he made, for years, ignored you all, refused to parent, refused to participate, damaging to kids to be burdened with a disinterested misogynist parent. Natural consequences are in force. Enjoy life without that failure of a male.

“I did a lot of work during our courtship on ensuring that I maintained my power, had a fulfilling life outside of him, made sure he knew my worth, pleased myself more than pleasing him.”

Seems like he is doing the same now.

Totally agree.

OP - just out curiosity - what how you think your life will improve if you separated now?
I am all for women’s empowerment and staking your ground and boundaries - but too many women stumble on this.

There is a thread on MN right now where a woman went through divorce because she wasn’t happy, and is now regretting it.
Her life didn’t become better. All the child care responsibilities stayed with her, and she has to work more, has less money, etc.
Relationship with a new partner when you have your own kids has it’s own complications.
And as a result - she isn’t any happier. And does think she judged her Ex a bit harshly. And regrets not fighting for her marriage to make it better.

What I am trying to say - if your main issue is lack of date nights - is it really worth it uprooting i your and your kids lives so quickly into it all? Marriages do go through phases. Small kids phase is difficult for all. So - try to live through it, and try to make adjustments, maybe?
Yes, it’s unfair that you were the one stuck at home breastfeeding, and he maintained his life outside of the house. But it’s unfortunately not something one can change much about, and it is a choice on your side too.

If you want to have couple’s times - then there is no other solution but to hire nannies.
I didn’t want to do that when kids were small, just because for me that was a precious time with them. My H didn’t feel the same - so he saw his friends more. I didn’t stop him as why would I do that?

I think the issue is sometimes women are told we can have it all. And the reality is not quite the same. Something has to give sometimes. We can’t be the same carefree and exciting people right after we have our kids. Or, rather - we can, but have to then not be hands on mothers, for eg. It’s not quite the same for men. They can maintain more of the same sort of life they had before kids.

life is not necessarily always fair.

This is what worked for me: might not for everyone

Communication, we are open with each other. He knows I don't like secrets or surprises and neither does he.

Staying trim and sexy (for me not him).

I think sex is important, keeping it fresh and exciting, always making an effort. Making sure I'm happy as well as him. I'm very clear on what I like and don't like.

Making sure I listen to him and being respectful. Showing appreciation for things he does. Expecting exactly same back, speaking up and being a pain in the arse until it's acknowledged.

Being really assertive and flagging up anything I'm not happy with. Making sure I'm getting what I want too. I'm not a door mat.

Being strong in body and mind. I'm a brave person and will try new things.

Being realistic and making sure everything is fair, that we all get time to selves. If he needs time, that's fine, if I do, he's fine with it.

I trust him, he's a good guy, a lot of it is to do with him, not so much those things listed above. He was expected to behave growing up and he's just a nice person. My dad on the other hand, my god. I didn't want to be like my mum, treated badly.

@MMmomDD read OPs posts.

Crikey good for you OP!

Ignore the poster who's asking if you'd really be happy. No one leaves a partner on a whim when they have children.

@Theskyisfallingdown

The post I didn’t see is the one where OP says she already left him.

And the ‘good on you’ posts.

But for me - it doesn’t really change what I’d say. The fundamental issue is still the same, Neither OP, nor her H were ready for the change he’s having small kids would bring, And it seems that is tue cause of mutual resentment.
OP’s H seems to want to cling to his life the way it used to be.
And OP seems to be unable to accept that some of these changes are her choice and are temporary.
Neither of them seem to want to face/accept realities of life and OP decided to just give up.

Maybe OP’s love will improve,. But it’s not the usual outcome with two small kids.
Maybe she hopes it forces her H to change?
i sincerity hope he does.

You insist on 50/50 childcare and do not help him when it is his 50/50 do not organise or pick up the pieces or do anything other than your life when he has the children

@Peppermintie
I am divorced.
And I also commented on the post of the woman who divorced her H two years ago and is regretting it.

Read her post. It isn’t the same situation as yours, but it does bring by some realities of separation for you to consider:

Your posts aren’t clear on what has been going on. You mention him not making it a priority to spend time with you, And not feeling appreciated as a mother. But not much more: You say nothing about him as a father.
Generally - men aren’t all that useful as fathers in early ages. They just don’t have the same attachment/instinct as we do as mothers. And men, mostly don’t understand/appreciate breastfeeding sacrifices we make. For e.g.; I really struggled with mine, Made lots of effort to improve mine/keep it going. My H just said - why not just move to bottle.

I think having small kids bring out a lot of differences to the surface in a couple. It’s a test of compatibility and team work, really. And many people struggle, It’s impossible to predict what sort of parent you and your partner turn out to be before actually having children. So - it can turn out to be a shock to discover you two have different understanding and expectations.
It certainly was for me.
Took way longer than 3 years though.
I didn’t mind being the point person with the kids as exH worked a lot, And I didn’t mind the shift in our relationship as I wanted to be able to prioritise my kids.

Anyway.. I don’t really know what is happening in your relationship.

Someone upthread said women don’t leave partners on a whim when they have children. Bur I have seen women do just that and regret it.
Post partum depression affect a lot of women, and they at times leave thinking their relationship is the issue, while it’s more to do with their MH.
And then later, women in peri act on hormonal changes, seeking some elusive happiness.

OP - If you think divorce is the best course of action - then of course you should leave. Just be clear in your head - what you are doing and why. And sort out practicalities of separated life.

Yes to taking action - next time he says he will be out at a poker night say no he can’t as you’ve already booked to be out and it’s in the calendar and repeatedly do this until he gets the message. He can’t just tell you when he will be opting out of family life.

I had this too for a while and this is what worked.

I think it's not just been about him taking free time etc.

He's fallen out of love with me since I became a mother. He makes no time to communicate, no love, no sex, no intimacy, no cuddles, no listening, no team work. It's like I'm a turn off to him since we had children and I don't feel wanted, appreciated or valued. The nights out is just one element of a huge picture of issues.

@Peppermintie

I am sorry.

It’s clear from your posts that you are unhappy. But of course - it’s not possible for us to get a whole picture of what is going on, not from a few short posts.

All I can say is having small kids is difficult.
Probably the most difficult part of a marriage, and even more so when it’s a new marriage. It fundamentally changes the relationship.
I can’t quite put a finger on it - but the way you talked about your approach to dating - and all this ‘making sure he knew my worth’, etc - sounds to me like you had some firm ideas and expectations of how relationships ‘should’ be. And then you say you didn’t manage to maintain your independence’, or something to that end.
I sense some sort of rigidity in how you think/approach life.
Then you asked your friends - who also said their lives with kids changed their relationships.
You didn't like what you heard - so you can to MN to find support in viewing life in the way you want it to be.

In parallel - I also wonder if you have had unrecognised/untreated PND - as some of what you say sounds a bit like that.

But, more importantly - what now? How are you getting on now that you left? Do you feel better? How does it work practically with two small children?
And - what was your H’s reaction to what is going on?

@jsku you sound really determined to make excuses for a crap husband. Of course we don't know what is really going on and only have OOs word for it but that word is that she is very unhappy with a husband who doesn't in any way appreciate her and takes her totally for granted. Even if she does have undiagnosed MH issues he's still treating her like his housekeeper.

I think this is a very sad situation all round, I cannot believe that you have two children under 3 and your husband actually ignored the family calendar and prioritised himself constantly. My husband and I had kids when we were young and we have had our share of problems but I never felt ignored, used or sidelined by him - No one should have to go through that. You deserved better than what you have gotten from your relationship, and you put a lot of effort into keeping things going and improving the situation. You didn't end the relationship imo. He did - By treating you the way he did. I'm sorry.

It sounds to me like you did the right thing.
How are things now since you left?

Bloody ridiculous. This man is disrespecting her and doesn’t value her. Why should any woman stay in a relationship like that? Why is it all down to women to lower their standards rather than on men to step up?

Women don’t need a man, and frankly, I don’t believe children even need their absent/part time fathers. What’s so incredible about men in your mind, that they’re worth sacrificing yourself for?