How do we avoid feeling taken for granted by our husbands after children come along?

[Peppermintie]

I am contemplating leaving my husband because I feel worn down, taken for granted, under valued and uncared for.

After a string of disappointing relationships, I met DH after remaining single for a few years, working on myself, deciding what I would and wouldn't accept from men. I met a great guy (now husband) and did a lot of work during our courtship on ensuring that I maintained my power, had a fulfilling life outside of him, made sure he knew my worth, pleased myself more than pleasing him. And it all worked well. We married after a couple of years and had out first child soon after!

He's very much a hands on father, but his commitment to me has dwindled over the last 4 years that we've had out children. He makes more time for his single man pursuits than time for me and I haven't been able to keep up my independence and freedom through breastfeeding and caring for two little ones for almost 3 years.

I'm just nowhere near as glamorous and outgoing as I used to be, which I'm absolutely fine with. This chapter of motherhood means that my priorities have changed and when DCs go to school, I'm sure I'll be more like my old self again. But I'm disappointed with DH that he clearly doesn't see much value in what I do or who I am at the moment during this short chapter of our lives.

I keep initiating conversation about date nights and he just seems more concerned with getting in his poker nights and golfing days with friends. I wouldn't mind if our time together was the priority but it's like I'm his live-in nanny and time together as a couple has fallen by the way-side.

I've spoken to friends and they are all saying similar things. One friend told me her husband said that he no longer feels attracted to her post-kids, that her body has changed too much and that she's changed. Another friend said he husband is out most nights doing his hobby whilst she's bathing young children and nursing them to sleep. That he also doesn't prioritise her anymore.

Is there any mothers of young children out there managing to keep their husbands interested and are being valued, appreciated and treated well? Without having to dump their kids in the care of others on a regular basis to maintain some level of connection and intimacy with their husbands?

This is keeping me up at night, making me feel worthless and he just seems to be carrying on as if all is fine. Friends tell me to accept it "it happens to us all" but I just feel so rejected and surely I don't have to accept this?

I absolutely agree with @Primrose98 your husband ended this, he checked out of it mentally and physically and just continued to live at the same house. Your post is not about date nights for me, many of us don’t have date nights and enough sex when our children are little.His attitude showed that he didn’t feel his responsibility and he didn’t care. Yes, communication is the key but you can’t communicate with someone who is actively not listening you and doesn’t bother about the conversation.
Don’t beat yourself up you went far and beyond trying to keep your family together. I’m not saying that your husband is not able to change in principle, he is, but only if he himself wants to do this. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink

I've already seen the regret thread @MMmomDD and she sounds to me like she had terrible self esteem, probably caused by his long term abuse. I'm sure that with therapy, her regrets will subside.

I do agree @Primrose98 he checked out long before I ended things. He just wanted a room mate in the end. It's just so different to the man he was pre-kids.

I think a lot of men probably finds their wives less attractive in the immediate post-baby years and so the relationship has to survive out of love and respect instead. But he just treated me as some sort of burden holding him back from more important things.

@Peppermintie

FWIW - I don’t think it’s the other thread poster’s self esteem that was an issue.
You did see that she lost her libido and they had sex twice in a year when they were in their 20s. Most men would have left, her H stayed, So - I am not sure vilifying him is the answer. I think they both contributed to the problems in their marriage.

You still haven’t said if you are happier on your own, and what you are planning to do.
Are you sorting co-parenting and financials now, or are you trying to see if your H gets a wake up call?

You sound like some sort of medieval guardian of misogyny @MMmomDD

You have read the full thread and are aware of how badly he treated her? It's hardly surprising that she wouldn't have sex with him.

@Peppermintie

This is how fake news spread, isn’t it.
If you actually read her thread - she clearly said that it was the pill that affected her libido. Once she came off it - years later, it returned.

You sound like you are fighting some ideological war against the male species.
Why? What is the point?

I don’t think particularly highly of men either, most of the time. They have plenty of design faults. But - relationships do take two. And women also play a role, and can’t blame all issues on men.