A break up text, disappearing messages and “last seen”

[LynetteBalconette]

Please can you help. I have been seeing someone for two months, but there have been lots of problems, too long and boring to go into now. We have a connection and genuinely like and get on with each other but he is fundamentally avoidant of intimacy and recently has not called me when he said he was going to several times, especially as I’ve been trying to address and understand what is going on.

he insists we use the messaging app WhatsApp and he has put a disappearing messages function on it after 8 hours. After him not calling me back for the third time he said he would yesterday I sent a message basically saying I felt I couldn’t get through to him and it was painful to me and I didn’t think we should carry on but I felt we had a good connection and could hopefully be friends one day etc. I waited and waited to see if he had read it but he hadn’t. I checked his last seen and he was offline and last seen at 20.40 and I had sent the signal message at 22.00.

overnight the message has disappeared and chances are (due to last seen) he has still not read it. I don’t want to appear again like I am asking him to call me. I am wondering if I should just leave it and block him or I should send yet another message?

Just leave it OP. You’ve done your bit.

Leave it, he's just not into you. Walk away with dignity.

He’s messing you around. Two months in, you should still be in the honeymoon stage - not dealing with ‘lots of problems’. Sorry OP, hope you find someone nicer soon

He’s messing with you, and quite probably has a relationship elsewhere.
Block and run.

Honestly, although this may sound brutal, I think you need to open your eyes to this situation and show some more self respect.

1. Things shouldn’t be difficult two months in.

1. Why are you interested in someone who is ‘avoidant of intimacy?’.

1. The WhatsApp shenanigans smack of someone who is in a relationship already and a cheat.

Don't do anything. Ignore any future messages. No point investing time and thought into someone who's not that interested in you.

I'd say block him but I suspect you'd then angst about whether he messaged you or not.

Give up on this one OP. Just block.

The hidden message thing is a huge red flag for me. Who is he hiding the messages from ?

Leave him and don't waste any more energy or time on him. Whatever that saying is "if he wanted to, he would" or something!

Relationships shouldnt be this hard at the beginning.
It's time to move on. Sorry, OP

You need to leave it and move on which I know is easier said than done.

If it is difficult two months in then it is not the right relationship for you. You have also said he is avoidant of intimacy. It’s not good enough is it… Dont waste your time

Block him. He sounds like a drama llama. Who auto deletes messages from someone they like?

The answer to that question, as others have said, is a cheating married man.

Don't contact him again. Delete his number. Block. He is showing you that he isn't that in to you, and any efforts to convince him otherwise will reduce your self esteem.

If you ever find yourself wondering if someone likes you, if you sit for hours looking at your phone hoping they will message, if they let you down or won't make firm plans, if they leave you wondering 'what's he thinking? Has he gone off me?' - then walk away.

When someone really likes you, you know it. You have no doubts. You don't have to analyse what they say or what they did. It's clear as day.

If you've been with someone for 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, then you try to work at differences to re-bridge the gap between you. But if you've been with someone just 2 months and you've already had 'lots of problems' then they are simply the wrong person for you in the first place. Don't waste time and energy (and self esteem) on someone who isn't right for you. Especially one who isn't even reliable and honest, and who ignores you when they want to.

You are worth more.

OP this shouldn’t be so hard. You should be having fun and yet you are miserable only 2 months in. He’s making a fool of you. Why are you wasting anymore time on him?

If he loved you, he would tell you
If he missed you, he would call
If he wants you to meet his momma
Then he would bring you home
Oh, there ain't no excuse
He ain't Mr. Misunderstood
Quit lying to yourself
If he wanted to, he would

Song by Kylie Morgan
She needs to be on MN

It is hard, but he clearly is not that bothered whether he sees you or not. So make the decision for him, and find someone who will be nicer to you.

Auto removal of messages = he is in relationship. He doesn't call you when promised because a wife/girlfriend is around.
Either way.. No intimacy, broken communication, stress and 'lots of problems' is not good even in a long term marriage. In the first 2 months of relationship is simply not acceptable. Move on and dont think you need any sort of answer from him. You need to make your decision and ditch him

You're not important enough for him.

That doesn't mean you're not important as a person. It means he cannot, will not and blatantly is not putting you and your feelings on any level near as important to or above his own.

You know he's avoidant of intimacy, so you have some proof here that it's truly nothing to do with you.

However, I think you deep down want to be special enough that he overcomes his "avoidant of intimacy" characteristic. That categorically will not happen. For that he needs solid, long-term therapy from someone properly qualified and experienced.

Having a connection with someone is great, but it doesn't mean you should be in a relationship with them. For that you need to be compatible. Unless you are also intimacy avoidant, which you're clearly not, you're not compatible.

Maybe that sounds tough. But having your emotions toyed with in how of something that will never happen is tougher. Tougher still is then realising your wasted your life on this person who is not really that interested in you.

You've only known this loser for 8 weeks.

8 weeks!!

What a waste of your time and energy chasing this up.

Block him and delete his number.

2 months?
All this bollocks in 8 weeks?

Messages set to vanish.
Doesn't call you when he says he will.
Talks bollocks.

There's only one reason someone acts like that. You are the OW.

Walk away.
Nobody need a man this badly.

He may well have read your message on the pop up without going into the app. There are ways around the last seen.

But using the disappearing messages function is a major red flag in itself.

Do not send another message. Instead block him and delete his number to avoid any temptation.

Thank you all for these messages. I was feeling incredibly guilty about just "disappearing" or "ghosting." I don't want to be that person.

The other complicator is that fact that our two workplaces have a partnership and we hold a yearly event together (this is how we met.) We have a meeting about the partnership the week after next week in person (me and him, my colleagues and his colleagues.) That's the other reason I thought there should be an explanation and things should be kept friendly.

Does that change your answers?

Hi OP, no the work meeting doesn’t change things. You need to dump his useless arse, he’s not relationship material . At the meeting just go in shoulders back , head up, breezy and not bothered.

Just walk away with your dignity intact. You deserve much better.

No the work situation doesn't mean anything. It was his choice to use the disappearing messages function. He's just not that into you. Ignore him.