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Original poster

A break up text, disappearing messages and “last seen”

52 replies

LynetteBalconette · 19/11/2022 09:08

Please can you help. I have been seeing someone for two months, but there have been lots of problems, too long and boring to go into now. We have a connection and genuinely like and get on with each other but he is fundamentally avoidant of intimacy and recently has not called me when he said he was going to several times, especially as I’ve been trying to address and understand what is going on.

he insists we use the messaging app WhatsApp and he has put a disappearing messages function on it after 8 hours. After him not calling me back for the third time he said he would yesterday I sent a message basically saying I felt I couldn’t get through to him and it was painful to me and I didn’t think we should carry on but I felt we had a good connection and could hopefully be friends one day etc. I waited and waited to see if he had read it but he hadn’t. I checked his last seen and he was offline and last seen at 20.40 and I had sent the signal message at 22.00.

overnight the message has disappeared and chances are (due to last seen) he has still not read it. I don’t want to appear again like I am asking him to call me. I am wondering if I should just leave it and block him or I should send yet another message?

OP posts:
isthismylifenow · 19/11/2022 10:39

The work thing doesn't change anything.

You talk about work stuff and don't engage him unnecessarily. And do not agree to catch up chat after.

SnoozyLucy7 · 19/11/2022 10:39

LynetteBalconette · 19/11/2022 10:23

Thank you all for these messages. I was feeling incredibly guilty about just "disappearing" or "ghosting." I don't want to be that person.

The other complicator is that fact that our two workplaces have a partnership and we hold a yearly event together (this is how we met.) We have a meeting about the partnership the week after next week in person (me and him, my colleagues and his colleagues.) That's the other reason I thought there should be an explanation and things should be kept friendly.

Does that change your answers?

It’s not possible for you to ghost him, even if you wanted to, because he’s not present in your life, so nothing to ghost. He’s treating you like shit, over a period of just 8 weeks and you think you owe him anything? You don’t. The fact that you will see him at annual work do doesn’t change anything. Acknowledge him professionally but that’s it don’t give anymore of your self to him. He sounds like such a prick.

KettrickenSmiled · 19/11/2022 10:50

LynetteBalconette · 19/11/2022 10:23

Thank you all for these messages. I was feeling incredibly guilty about just "disappearing" or "ghosting." I don't want to be that person.

The other complicator is that fact that our two workplaces have a partnership and we hold a yearly event together (this is how we met.) We have a meeting about the partnership the week after next week in person (me and him, my colleagues and his colleagues.) That's the other reason I thought there should be an explanation and things should be kept friendly.

Does that change your answers?

It's worrying that you think this work event might change PP's answers.
Almost as if you are looking for another reason to keep trying to make this man become somebody he is not.

have a connection and genuinely like and get on with each other
I could say that about the guy in my local hardware store.
It's insufficient to base a relationship on.
When you add in your guy's avoidance, the problems you already have 2 months in, his communication ineptitude & his mixed messages - really, why are you bothering?
Do you think that if you just work harder, he will change into somebody desirous or capable of having a real relationship with you?

Never work this hard to make a man like you or change his obvious character traits OP. It will just make you miserable, lonely, resentful & eventually lacking in any self-esteem.

GeneratedRandomly · 19/11/2022 10:51

Don't block him, remove him from your contacts. Then get on with your life, he's not worth the headspace.

KettrickenSmiled · 19/11/2022 10:52

Thank you all for these messages. I was feeling incredibly guilty about just "disappearing" or "ghosting." I don't want to be that person.

& yet he regularly disappears on you ...

Why does he get rewarded for that behaviour by you chasing him harder?
But you punish yourself by refusing to acknowledge that it's time to give up the ghost on this one (pun intended)?

Isittrueornot · 19/11/2022 10:55

His not single obviously.

Don’t need to block, just don’t text anymore or respond to any texts.

Nap1983 · 19/11/2022 10:55

He’s either not into you or he’s married. But if he was single and just not into you I wonder if he’d go to the hassle of disappearing messages. The meeting at a work thing is suspicious aswell. Delete and block

xJ0y · 19/11/2022 11:01

You didn't ghost him.
You communicated your feelings to him truthfully and directly and he didn't acknowledge that.

Walk away with your head high.
I agree with others that the facility for messages to delete themselves after 8 hours does suggest he has a girlfriend or partner. Who does that in a new relationship!?

Original poster
LynetteBalconette · 19/11/2022 14:44

Fuck. He's married isn;t he.

OP posts:
amiold · 19/11/2022 14:45

LynetteBalconette · 19/11/2022 09:08

Please can you help. I have been seeing someone for two months, but there have been lots of problems, too long and boring to go into now. We have a connection and genuinely like and get on with each other but he is fundamentally avoidant of intimacy and recently has not called me when he said he was going to several times, especially as I’ve been trying to address and understand what is going on.

he insists we use the messaging app WhatsApp and he has put a disappearing messages function on it after 8 hours. After him not calling me back for the third time he said he would yesterday I sent a message basically saying I felt I couldn’t get through to him and it was painful to me and I didn’t think we should carry on but I felt we had a good connection and could hopefully be friends one day etc. I waited and waited to see if he had read it but he hadn’t. I checked his last seen and he was offline and last seen at 20.40 and I had sent the signal message at 22.00.

overnight the message has disappeared and chances are (due to last seen) he has still not read it. I don’t want to appear again like I am asking him to call me. I am wondering if I should just leave it and block him or I should send yet another message?

He'll have read it in notification pane and not opened the app

RFPO77 · 19/11/2022 14:48

OP if there's one thing I learned after many many years of dating, if he was interested you'd know, he'd be there, if you're unsure and can't contact him, he's not interested. Block and move on for your own sake don't give him any more headspace. If you've got it wrong (you haven't) he'll be he'll bent on making contact with you and making it right (I don't think he will in this case though) 💐 xx

Rockschooldropout · 19/11/2022 14:56

He’s married or in a relationship , hence the disappearing messages
He doesn’t call because he probably can’t (wife/gf around )
Hed got you dangling by a string ready to pick back up when it suits him, he’s not into you because he’s not available end of .. he’s feeding you pathetic excuses to keep you hanging and desperate to be the one that changes him - it’s 8 weeks in, a normal new relationship is not like this 8 weeks in
Delete his contact details and move on.. if he contacts you , afford him the same courtesy he has you, ignore him

Pixiedust1234 · 19/11/2022 14:57

Hes married.

Keep everything professional at work, and be civil. Make sure there's always someone else around.

tribpot · 19/11/2022 15:01

Waaayyyy too much like hard work. I agree, remove from contacts rather than block, and when you see him for work you are professional but completely disinterested.

He sounds like an absolute nightmare and you are well rid.

GreyTS · 19/11/2022 15:12

LynetteBalconette · 19/11/2022 14:44

Fuck. He's married isn;t he.

Yes! Sorry but you seem hopelessly unaware! Why on earth would someone set their messages to disappear unless they had something to hide? And problems after 2 months?!? Why did you stick around? I'm so sorry to be harsh but I'm actually concerned that you are so naive that someone with bad intentions could so easily take advantage of you.....be careful

youhadmeatsausageroll · 19/11/2022 15:22

He’s probably married OP

Ocampa · 19/11/2022 15:31

LynetteBalconette · 19/11/2022 14:44

Fuck. He's married isn;t he.

Of course he is!

If you feel a bit evil you can always ask how his wife is doing in front of his colleagues at the next meeting....

Dragonskin · 19/11/2022 15:33

LynetteBalconette · 19/11/2022 14:44

Fuck. He's married isn;t he.

Married or in a relationship? of course he is. Why else did you think he'd set messages between you you disappear automatically, he's stopping any kind of trail between you. Just block him OP

WeeOrcadian · 19/11/2022 15:36

Pixiedust1234 · 19/11/2022 14:57

Hes married.

Keep everything professional at work, and be civil. Make sure there's always someone else around.

This. In spades. Hold your head up and block him on everything. Maintain your dignity.

pictish · 19/11/2022 15:50

Yes he’s married or in another relationship. The messages disappear so there’s no trace of them to be found by his wife or gf. He doesn’t call back because she’s there.

DisappearingMessages · 19/11/2022 16:38

Oh gosh OP. I have to tell you, I was the OW for a time and he set all messages to disappear because, obviously, he was married. There’s literally no other reason for someone you are in a relationship with to use that function. Walk away and don’t feel bad for one second.

piedbeauty · 19/11/2022 18:22

Lots of problems right at the start?? Nah, this one's not for you. Walk away and look for someone who makes you happy. It shouldn't be this much hard work.

ConnieTucker · 19/11/2022 18:28

I have been seeing someone for two months, but there have been lots of problems
the fact you have carried on begging him for scraps of attention mean you should not be persuading relationships right now until you have worked on your self esteem and boundaries.

EdithWeston · 19/11/2022 18:40

Thank you all for these messages. I was feeling incredibly guilty about just "disappearing" or "ghosting." I don't want to be that person

You're not.

You sent a break up message.

It's on him whether he reads it or not.

Make sure you are thoroughly professional at any future work contacts, and avoid being alone with him

Quiegal · 19/11/2022 21:23

I agree with everyone

Just leave him be move on.

He is probably married or in relationship.

You can see him at work but all it needs to be. Make that clear to him.