Regret leaving my marriage even though I was unhappy at the time

[Fullofregrets22]

I was married for 20 years, two children. The first 10 years were bliss I thought I was married to my best friend. Everything was perfect apart from my sex drive was low after the initial honey moon period. 10 years together and I found out my husband had been having an affair, and talking to a lot of women. He said it was because he was lonely. I gave him a second chance and we later went on to have two children but in the back of my mind I was always unhappy. I ended up doing councelling and it was implied he was controlling and abusive. He never helped with the children, wouldn’t let me get involved with the finances as I was a stay at home mum and was very secretive with his phone. It took every strength I had to leave and divorce him. 2 years has gone by and I feel I made a mistake. As time goes on I realise it wasn’t all bad and there were a lot of positives. We had a lovely home, a family, and we got on well, although he was always busy with work I see that was also positive now as it gave me lots of time to myself while the dc were in bed and gave me lots of quality alone time with the dc at the weekend as he worked nights and weekends. I only used to see the negatives. My oldest dc now has a health condition and I also think I am peri menopausal. I miss him quite often. Mostly when I have pmt which is odd as that’s when I used to despise him in our marriage.

i have told him I miss him and have regrets and he said he feels the same. We are both with new partners now though so he said we just have to be good co parents but he regrets what happened to the day he dies and he wishes we had tried harder to save our marriage.

sometimes I wake up and think I’m in my old home and my old life and cry when I remember I’m not. I don’t know how to cope with these feelings. I miss being a family. My life is so different now, I have a small tiny house, I work a lot, and I don’t feel any happier to be honest. Just full of regrets. I feel I didn’t realise what positives there were in the relationship before I left, like the shared holidays, Christmas, the luxury of being a stay at home mum, not shuttling my children round every other weekend, I miss being a family.

my son has been unwell in hospital and I sat there with him alone and when we were discharged I wanted to drive back to our old house and our old life.

gemsandmilk I think I am very sensitive to hormone changes. My ex dh didn’t really know me at all. My new partner has noticed I’m depressed pretty quickly. My ex either didn’t notice or chose to ignore it.

i think I regret leaving though despite that as Ex did support me to stay home with the children, I’m really struggling working full time and I did before children, I think I’m always down and tired I seem to struggle and I don’t know why.

my best friend was lovely. Before children she thought I should leave him but afterwards she advised me to stay as she said there’s a lot worse men out there and it will be hard on my own. I didn’t listen 😞 I wish she was here now I think she would give me good advice

jellycatspyjamas no I’ve had no therapy since leaving. I think I should look into this urgently

jsku your posts are so helpful I’m going to save them and read them again xxx

somuchtolearnabout

I think I have learnt that the grass isn’t greener, just different.

i have thought about asking to meet for a chat but I’m not sure even if we got back together it would work, I imagine we would both grieve the partners we are with now. The relationship wouldn’t be the same, but in some ways it could be better as I would appreciate what I had. But maybe I am just looking back to better times as life is tough at the moment. Life was tough back then too and I used to cry a lot.

womens aid thought the relationship was abusive but I’m not sure. I think maybe I was depressed for a long time and we both lost our way, but maybe he should have supported me. It was all such a mess.

I’ve had low sex drive with my new partner after the honey moon period but he has mentioned it and we’ve tried to find solutions for it.

Definitely go and see your GP and get your hormone levels checked and bloods done - there could well be a physical cause for your tiredness and low mood.

And counselling is a good call too, you've been through a lot and still are.

Category12 I hadn’t thought of checking with a gp, I just feel constantly exhausted. I thought it was because I was depressed in my marriage but it hasn’t gone away. And I was even tired before working I had no excitement for life even back then.

i think councelling is a good idea, it will be a stretch money wise but hopefully it would be a good investment? I look into it every month when I’m due on my period and then I feel better after my period so don’t go ahead with it. But I spend about half the month depressed now so I really need to push myself to do this.

I agree that maybe the grief about your marriage ending may have been delayed as you'd had gotten into a new relationship so soon.

The counseling, physical for menopause, and anti depressants would be a great place to start in you're healing process.

I was unable to take HRT and the antidepressants were lifesavers.

I've had to grieve 2 marriages. The 1st I was widowed. The 2nd was his infidelity.

Some other helpful things were lots of fresh air and exercise, meditation, Journaling.

I also went back to school for a MS and now working on a PhD.

It sounds like you want to earn more. What does your ex do? Can you learn that?

I took the time to discover myself as a woman in my own right other than someone's wife, partner, mother, etc.

It might be long term depression, which you might need to consider trying anti-depressants for, as it could be a chemical imbalance that could be helped, (as well as tackling things going on in your life and from the past with counselling).

But it might be something like thyroid or some other physical issue going on - hormones sound very likely if it's cyclical. So yeah, GP as a first stop 🙂

And I was even tired before working I had no excitement for life even back then.

So it's not work that's consuming you...and indeed, things weren't rosy back then either, even with money and lots of quality time with your children.

I don't know exactly what's missing or how you can capture it, but I do know it's something in you and only you, not any partner, can obtain it.

I’ve been tired ever since I’ve had children but I thought it was because I was doing everything alone. I just feel wiped out most days. Oldest son has a serious health condition though that can be life threatening.

Ah your friend sounds very cautious on your behalf and I am sure she would want you to be happy now.

I know what you mean about struggling to cope. I think it sounds like you are one of life’s sensitive souls, you feel things deeply. I hope you find a space for some rest in the middle of all this: a hot water bottle, some nice socks, a candle. Something tiny that reminds you you do matter in the middle of such difficult times and contemplations 💐

Thank you they are some good suggestions. I forget to look after myself xx

It might just be you're overloaded, but it could also be that you have an underlying physical condition, hormonal imbalance or untreated depression.

It's certainly worth getting yourself checked out thoroughly and trying medication if it's appropriate. I don't think it's normal to feel tired in the way you describe.

Put it this way, you have nothing to lose from exploring the possibility. 😊

And I'm so sorry your son has this condition.

Thank you xx

My own experience was a close call where we so nearly ended our marriage, after years of DH emotional overload and depending on me to carry its weight. A few months of real total lows when I told him I was considering divorce. But to his credit when he finally understood what I was feeling and how he was the big driver of it . . . he did a lot of work on himself. We decided to stay together and thank goodness. It took a while before I stopped feeling numb and angry but it was worth it. He did real work and made progres and I started to feel more for him over time. By now (two years later) its amaxzing and better than it was at the very beginning as he and I ar in balance.

I'm so glad I raised the alrm and forced it. His response was terrible at first and so hurt. But we both did the work ahead of really feeling it and it has become really good. So to anyone here looking for a real positive case they do exist. And I was so close to divircing (even talked to a lawyer!)--and would have regretted it for the rest of my life.

I’d also regret this in your circs.

id not disrupt life to the extent you did with financial circumstances like you describe

i agree you sound depressed and I imagine you were also hard to live with

and to the PP who talked about her materialistic friend - well so what she sounds quite delighted with her life and so would I be!!!!!!

I know exactly how you feel. I was with someone for 16 years and left thinking things were missing in the relationship. I am 5 years on nearly and i regret it deeply as i am no happier. I wish i knew then what i know now as i would never of left. I had so much and i didn't realise how much. He is with someone else now so there is nothing i can do about it. My only hope going forward is that i do meet somebody else who i can be just as happy with but then i think if it doesn't happen i will have to try and make the most of things. I feel what you are feeling as i wake up every day wanting my old life back - Every single day. 😢

It's very easy to forget the bad times and remember the good.

That is what happened to me. I got with someone so soon after spliting from a long term relationship and after the honeymoon period wore off all i done was compare and the grief hit my like a ton of bricks. I have been constantly gutted for 4 years. My ex is with someone else and i am still waking up every day regretting not getting back with him when i could of. 😥

Your post breaks my heart. I don’t think you’re trapped though, you could reunite if you wanted. Don’t make fast decisions though, think it through

Thank you for your words. I don't think it is possible now as he is with someone else. I just find going forward and being in other relationships is not going to be the same as what i had. I miss the laughs the most with my ex and all the experiences we had together. I can't imagine having it as good with anyone else. It just isn't the same. 😞

You’re missing how easy life used to be, as well as not being as into the new relationship. He cheated on you, controlled everything and you were unhappy.
Try being single, even skint life is easier.

You are only 40! You are a very young lady!

If I were you I would split up from your current partner and find someone more affluent that met all your needs.

I split from my first husband but did not live with anybody until I met my new husband with whom I enjoy the same financial life style -actually better as we are more on the same page as to how to spend/invest- as I did with my first.

I have always worked though and I think it is great that you do too. My sons spend just over half the time with their father and new partner. That is only fair, in my view, because I did the “leg work” when they were babies/todlers.