Regret leaving my marriage even though I was unhappy at the time

[Fullofregrets22]

I was married for 20 years, two children. The first 10 years were bliss I thought I was married to my best friend. Everything was perfect apart from my sex drive was low after the initial honey moon period. 10 years together and I found out my husband had been having an affair, and talking to a lot of women. He said it was because he was lonely. I gave him a second chance and we later went on to have two children but in the back of my mind I was always unhappy. I ended up doing councelling and it was implied he was controlling and abusive. He never helped with the children, wouldn’t let me get involved with the finances as I was a stay at home mum and was very secretive with his phone. It took every strength I had to leave and divorce him. 2 years has gone by and I feel I made a mistake. As time goes on I realise it wasn’t all bad and there were a lot of positives. We had a lovely home, a family, and we got on well, although he was always busy with work I see that was also positive now as it gave me lots of time to myself while the dc were in bed and gave me lots of quality alone time with the dc at the weekend as he worked nights and weekends. I only used to see the negatives. My oldest dc now has a health condition and I also think I am peri menopausal. I miss him quite often. Mostly when I have pmt which is odd as that’s when I used to despise him in our marriage.

i have told him I miss him and have regrets and he said he feels the same. We are both with new partners now though so he said we just have to be good co parents but he regrets what happened to the day he dies and he wishes we had tried harder to save our marriage.

sometimes I wake up and think I’m in my old home and my old life and cry when I remember I’m not. I don’t know how to cope with these feelings. I miss being a family. My life is so different now, I have a small tiny house, I work a lot, and I don’t feel any happier to be honest. Just full of regrets. I feel I didn’t realise what positives there were in the relationship before I left, like the shared holidays, Christmas, the luxury of being a stay at home mum, not shuttling my children round every other weekend, I miss being a family.

my son has been unwell in hospital and I sat there with him alone and when we were discharged I wanted to drive back to our old house and our old life.

Everyone says he was not good to me as he left me to deal with everything to do with the children. Our oldest was unwell before and I was left to do everything with both. I ended up so worn down and depressed I went to councelling and ended up asking him to leave. But 2 years on I miss him sometimes and life is still hard. I don’t know how to make things better. My son is unwell that won’t change, Money is tight, one of my parents is unwell, my best friend died. I have tried anti depressants but couldn’t get over the initial couple of weeks. My dr said I was depressed in my marriage, I had some initial relief but now things feel harder than ever. I guess even though ex dh wasn’t that involved, the time we did spend together I enjoyed and I loved him a lot despite everything. Towards the end I ended up hating him though as councelling made me realise I deserved more. Now he’s moved on and spends time with his new girlfriend and the dc, that’s all I ever wanted.

Perhaps it's time to swap your respective contact time now he has a big 4 bedroom home. You get the children eow, he gets to care for their day to day needs for the other 24/28 days. You get to focus on building your financial future free from the demands of sick kids and sibling fighting.

I understand your grief.

My marriage ended because of his adultery and I am still very much processing the grief of it all, despite being in a new and lovely relationship. I miss having someone else at home; when our children are with their Dad, I come home from work late at night to a completely empty family home ....and that is a very lonely, sad, feeling.

I was with my Ex for a long time; I thought I knew him inside out and it has been very painful to process the separation and subsequent PTSD I have been left with from the betrayals and him threatening his life etc. It's been horrific to be honest.

Sending you strength. Maybe try counselling?

watchthesunrise that would be even worse. Then I’ve lost my children too. It’s hard with them arguing and my oldest having a serious health issue that could be life threatening. But I would never want to be without them day to day.

@Fullofregrets22
I have been through similar circumstances, although my DC were older, eg college & uni. Please remember how forgiving you were after your XH had an affair, you can not say, looking back, that you didn't try. Also, remember what the counsellor implied, that your husband was controlling etc. You definitely had enough reasons for wanting to leave, and you say you miss being a family, you still are a family, although I get that your DC are not your new partner's flesh and blood. Could you imagine what your life would be if you hadn't had the courage to leave? You possibly would have had the same feelings of despising your XH. Try to think of your past life as nostalgia, it had it's place and you have some fond memories. At least you are on speaking terms with your ex, he is still in your life, only he can not control you any more. Best wishes

Anonanon1234 did you initiate the split? I tend to brush over all the bad my ex did and only remember the good. He was my first relationship.

towards the end I was so angry and hated him as he was just never around for me and the children. He said he needed to work overtime for the family but he wouldn’t let me see the bills. He got into debt buying an expensive car he couldn’t afford. And designer clothes, lunches out at work etc. in the end with councelling I decided to leave.

3 months later I started dating and met someone else, I was caught up in all the excitement. Now the initial whirlwind is over I’m feeling the loss of the family, I feel like I’m grieving a death.

when I confided how I felt over text message he said he felt the same but was further along the grieving process. He said he was surprised I moved on so quickly so he decided to and now he’s girlfriend has sold her home to buy with him so he’s concentrating on moving forward but he will still love me and the boys from afar and will always be there for us. He said he often asks him self why things don’t feel the same in a new relationship but he said he realises that’s because nothing will ever be the same as your first love.

it’s so hard as if we are both regretful maybe we should give things another go, maybe he’s waiting for me to say it. But deep down I don’t think it would work, I think I would be as lonely as before. And my family and friends are telling me I’ve come so far and don’t forget how bad things got.

things haven’t been going as well with dp as I thought they would so maybe that’s having some impact too.

and I miss the familiar of my old home, old routines, him, the family unit during these difficult times of illness and friends dying.

maybe I should try councelling again xx

cavend thank you for your kind message.

it could be true that m I get on better with my ex now he is spending time alone with the children which he didn’t before, I am now financially independent and he cannot control me.

i think if I hadn’t of left I would still despise my ex and be happy. I wish I could take what I know now and go back in time. Be greatfull of the family unit and the stability and simpler life.

That should have said if I hadn’t of left my ex I would have still despised him and been unhappy

I think it’s only with time apart and now the anger has faded that I realise there were things to be greatfull of and that deep down we did love each other

I think the message is loud and clear: his new partner has money so it benefits him financially to be with her. He says he will be around “from afar” which is just what he always was - distant.

Personally I think deep down he cheated and controlled you so what does “love” even mean in that context?

@OP
Please don't beat yourself up OP, it sounds as if, despite your XH being the breadwinner, you were the family carer. Your XH will always be the father of your DC, there is a biological connection there, and when all the anger and resentment on whatever side lessens, you will be back to being friends again.

@Fullofregrets22
MN has this mantra whenever someone comes here and says what you would have said two years ago —- married SAHM;
H doesn’t help much; feels like we are housemates; unhappy….
MN tells women in this position - leave! you deserve better! it will all be better once you are on your own!

But I find that it’s not the reality. We may all be deserving better, but there isn’t some place where that can be claimed.
And material side of things does matter. And, while exH might not have helped much - it certainly doesn’t get easier when you do the same (and more) on your own, with less money. Plus tiredness from working more.

In addition, and also importantly, people tend to put responsibility for their happiness on marriage, husband, bf.

Like how - OP is told - her unhappiness must be because of her bf/her relationship. She already left her marriage bc she viewed it as the source of her unhappiness. She can, of course, do it again and leave another relationship.
Thing is - it won’t help. It needs to start with herself. The source of happiness/ unhappiness starts with OP herself.
FWIW - I think OP has been depressed for a very long time. And I think her counsellor was highly unprofessional to lead her to believe that she needed to leave her marriage as a solution to her problems. And her GP hasn’t done a good job convincing her to stick with a medication.

Question is of course, what can you do now. People here are trying to convince you that you have done the right thing and should just change the way you think about, and magically you’ll realise you are happy.
I don’t think this is going to work.
I think the best thing here is is to accept that you most likely made a mistake with your divorce, and now you need to get over that and find the best way forward.

Here is what I’d do -
…. I do think you need to get i your depression under control - and I do think you can’t avoid medication. With AD - you need to find the right ones and sometimes try a few, and stick with them a while to see any benefits
…. If both you and your H feel similar - I’d see if there is anything that can be done to get back at least some of the ‘family feeling’. Can you try to do more things together with the kids? It could be the fun things or more mundane things. It will certainly make the kids happier. Who knows - maybe it’ll bring you two closer again.

… On a practical level - can you get him more involved - as it does seem you are struggling and he is not really pulling his weight. He may have learned from divorce and be actually regretting not being there for you and the kids - use it!
…. Lastly (but very importantly) is YOU. You need to find yourself and figure out what you need to be happy. It’s hard to do, because life gets in the way, and other people’s needs take priority. You try to keep your kids, bf, your parents, friends happy. And there is no time to stop and think about yourself. Counselling can help here, if you have the time, and have access to someone. But this will take a while.

I am also divorced with kids, a new relationship, and a history of depression.
I can relate to a lot of what you have said.

LOL, he didn't pull his weight with the kids during their marriage, he's not pulling his weight with the kids after the divorce, you really think he's going to step up at this point?

He said he has regrets, but he didn't give OP any hope of him leaving his current relationship to get back with her, so basically he was soft-soaping her while still doing very little to step up to his responsibilities to the children.

Don’t underestimate the effects of perimenopause. Find a menopause specialist (don’t even waste your time with a gp) and get the hormones sorted as a priority. It is one of the best things you can do for yourself and your family. It’s only after starting hrt that I am able to recognise how badly affected I was in every part of my life.

And when you have that in hand, take some time to think out, in detail, what happiness would feel and look like. It strikes me that you are completely rudderless, drifting without direction and always comparing one thing with another. You need a vision, or how else will you recognise what you should fight for?

But sort the hormones first. Your gran is right, and she has the benefit of seeing it from the other side. Menopause is bloody wicked, but it’s hard to fathom when you’re in the thick of it. Listen to her and get help for that bit first.

I think when looking back, we sometimes have a revisionist view of the past. It is so easy to make it seem better than it actually was , but it also gives us the opportunity to realize that we too may have been less than perfect in the way that we did things.

When women complain about the partner's not helping out around the house as much as they should, they are often advised to leave. While that may be reasonable advice, it also means that 100% of the household responsibility becomes their responsibility and at the same time they usually suffer a decrease in household income.

While there may be less stress in one area, there is a resultant increase in stress in other areas. I guess the answer is that life is complex and rarely comes with perfect solutions. Try not to give a lot of thought to the past, and try to look at the positives that both you and your partner bring to this current relationship. Recognize that you are a more than capable woman. and that you can pilot your own ship when necessary.

jsku a lot of what you say is true. I think I do have depression.

we met when I was 14 and things were fine until age 18 on went on the contraceptive pill. I lost my drive and we rarely had intimacy, maybe twice a year. He never complained though. At the time I didn’t realise it was the pill that caused me to lose my drive, I just thought this was how long term relationships were.

10 years later I find out he’s having an affair. He broke down and said he was lonely and we hardly ever had intimacy. I said he will end the affair but if things didn’t improve he would leave. I came off the pill as I was getting migraines and my sex drive returned, we then went on to have two children. After children my sex drive didn’t return. I felt unhappy I was doing everything alone. We carried on, I think he was talking to people online. No proof though, just caught a few glimpses of general conversations with other women.

i became so worn out in lockdown homeschooling I sought help for depression and did therapy, this pushed me to leave.

but the depression didn’t go, my life is now what it was plus working full time too.

therapy pushed me to leave as she said a decent partner wouldn’t cheat and leave me to do everything with the children.

after we split he told me he was resentful I didn’t work and that’s why he controlled all the money.

he’s not all bad, but there was some bad I admit, everyone said I deserved better.

i can relate to so much of what you said in your post jsku.

I’ll reply to the other posts later I need to take the dc out xx

This.

You can miss someone without actually needing to have them in your life. Co parent well together and leave it at that

chailayteplease I don’t think I miss the money as apart from him paying the mortgage utilities and food I had no access to money for me and dc unless I earned it. But obviously my life was more comfortable than it is now as there was always a roof over my head and food on the table, in that sense he provided very well. But I never had money for myself or extras unless it came from me and I had no say in what house we bought etc as he said I wasn’t contributing.

Your counsellor wasn't wrong about your marriage.

mari999 your post is so true.

life is not simple and sometimes we are at fault too.

if I could go back I would make the best of what I had, it wasn’t perfect but it did bring me happiness sometimes and a contentment in some ways.

now my life is harder as well as being the main cater I’m an now the main bread winner.

life was easier and more simple before.

and I miss the good times we did share, even though there were bad times.

maybe I am looking at things with rose tinted glasses though as I remember feeling alone amd depressed enough to seek GP help as I was struggling. Being solely responsible for dc in lockdown on my own was hard, while he carried on with his running etc. i felt like I was left to rot. Even after crying infront of him telling him how unhappy and lonely I was.

whatsleftnow

my grandma thinks hormones are responsible for my sudden sadness as maybe she’s right. When I’m mid cycle the sadness goes, and my pms is getting worse and worse. And my periods are getting closer together so I have a lot more pms. I am due on now. She thinks I’m heading towards menapause. I am having some night sweats too.

category12 it’s true he told me his regrets but made no effort in trying to get Back together. He never has. At the beginning when we first seperated I said are you not going to fight for us and he said it takes two and I need to change to. He said if I want him to spend time with me and the boys then he needs to work part time and me full time. I told him I was unhappy many times but there was always an excuse why he couldn’t change.

Could it be that you're still grieving the loss of your marriage? 2 years isn't really that long considering you were together 20 years ago. If he had died after 20 years, you'd definitely still be actively grieving and a divorce can also involve a lengthy grieving process. Why not go back to counselling and get to the bottom of what's going on? It may be that your regret is real and there is hope of a reconciliation, but it might also be your brain playing tricks on you.

Best to get to the bottom of it first before acting and doing something which could lead to further regret.