Regret leaving my marriage even though I was unhappy at the time

[Fullofregrets22]

I was married for 20 years, two children. The first 10 years were bliss I thought I was married to my best friend. Everything was perfect apart from my sex drive was low after the initial honey moon period. 10 years together and I found out my husband had been having an affair, and talking to a lot of women. He said it was because he was lonely. I gave him a second chance and we later went on to have two children but in the back of my mind I was always unhappy. I ended up doing councelling and it was implied he was controlling and abusive. He never helped with the children, wouldn’t let me get involved with the finances as I was a stay at home mum and was very secretive with his phone. It took every strength I had to leave and divorce him. 2 years has gone by and I feel I made a mistake. As time goes on I realise it wasn’t all bad and there were a lot of positives. We had a lovely home, a family, and we got on well, although he was always busy with work I see that was also positive now as it gave me lots of time to myself while the dc were in bed and gave me lots of quality alone time with the dc at the weekend as he worked nights and weekends. I only used to see the negatives. My oldest dc now has a health condition and I also think I am peri menopausal. I miss him quite often. Mostly when I have pmt which is odd as that’s when I used to despise him in our marriage.

i have told him I miss him and have regrets and he said he feels the same. We are both with new partners now though so he said we just have to be good co parents but he regrets what happened to the day he dies and he wishes we had tried harder to save our marriage.

sometimes I wake up and think I’m in my old home and my old life and cry when I remember I’m not. I don’t know how to cope with these feelings. I miss being a family. My life is so different now, I have a small tiny house, I work a lot, and I don’t feel any happier to be honest. Just full of regrets. I feel I didn’t realise what positives there were in the relationship before I left, like the shared holidays, Christmas, the luxury of being a stay at home mum, not shuttling my children round every other weekend, I miss being a family.

my son has been unwell in hospital and I sat there with him alone and when we were discharged I wanted to drive back to our old house and our old life.

Fwiw, I came out of a 20yr marriage with a ex who cheated. I forgave twice, but it still never worked.

It took me a couple of years to realise I grieved my marriage, not my ex.

I think that's where you're at too. That man treated you poorly, and is still treating your children poorly. He's not the person you want to be with, as you'll be unhappy again very very quickly if you get back together.

I think you should break up with the new guy if you're not happy...he deserves better...and spend some time on your self esteem and seeking your many blessings in your current life.

I think my new dp finds it hard to adjust to my children, we spent the first year of our relationship just me and him every other weekend before he met them and got involved in our life. He’s a very strict parent with his daughter and I’m very laid back with my sons it frustrates him. My oldest son also has a chronic health condition so I guess I spoil him

I guess in my marriage I was frustrated as I did all the childcare and cleaning as well as working a small job from home (15 hours a week). Now I’m responsible for all that plus working more hours

I think the key point here is that you feel like you're Peri menopausal. Get the hormones sorted and see how you feel, you'll probably have quite a different perspective.

Problem with that is, he was the money !.

You didn't like him when you had him, and you don't like him now. Even your fantasy of having him back is that he would pay for everything again but otherwise fuck off as much as possible!

If you want a more financially secure life, then think about how you could achieve that, for yourself. Study, pushing yourself at work, moving into a new field.

It's grief. It comes and goes. I was still grieving my marriage and the life I thought I'd have after two years. It gets easier. Try to remind yourself that you were unhappy. You may be unhappy now, but you now have the potential for happiness, which you didn't have before.

I don't mean this unkindly but I think you are right - the problem is you. You were not happy before, and you are not happy now. Just as you failed to recognise the value of what you had then, you are likewise thumbing your nose at the blessings of your current life - self-respect, a partner who values you and wants to spend time with you, your children together under your roof. Soon they will be gone. You are still focusing on the negatives and you are still missing out on what you have. This too you will regret. I think you need to practice gratitude and mindfulness, regularly bringing your attention to the present moment, experiencing without judgement. Do you do any exercise? And try to move your focus away from the past. What do you want from your future and how are you going to achieve it?

It’s true I wish I had valued what I had then instead of focusing on the negatives. And I am doing that again now.

My grandma thinks I’m peri menopausal (I’m 40) I feel the loss of the family more strongly when I am due on. My cycle is also getting shorter and I get overwhelmed more easily.

I think I felt like I had more time for dc when I was with my ex as he was always busy, my new partner seems to want quite a lot of my time. I guess that’s normal? But I’m not used to it and dc have mentioned that he’s taken me away from them, even though I’m still here all the time. But I guess I sit with him on the sofa watching tv etc when usually I was always with them and always available to them. It’s hard to know what’s right

I think also my parents aging and one developing an I’llness, my best friend dying, and life just changing as I get older without him by my side is difficult for me (we were childhood sweetheart’s from age 14)

I think you should spend more time doing what you want with the kids. You still have every other weekend free to spend with him. Either your partner will adapt to your needs and wants or he won't. But there's no reason at all why his needs and wants should come before yours.

Thereare more men in the world than your partner and your ex.

Thank you. I will try being more like I was with the dc and partner will have to come second.

im very emotional today and for some reason keep thinking of our family Xmas tree, I didn’t want to keep it when I moved so partner said he would have to throw it away then as he was staying with his brother and there was no room for it. Him and the dc used to decorate it every year, and I keep imaging how he must of felt throwing it away. It was my decision to move out of the house, he said I could stay there until the dc were 18 instead of receiving maintenance. But I was so angry I felt like he was still controlling me so I pushed for a sale. Now I’m in a rented flat. I hadn’t realised how much he did for us until now. Because he didn’t depend time with us I though he did nothing, but he loved us in other ways like making sure we had a roof over our head. I was just to angry to see

I think also my new relationship isn’t living up to what I thought it would. I guess the honeymoon period is over and now I’m dwelling on everything. I was only seperated 3 months when we met so I got swept up in a new romance. My ex took longer to move on but after only a year they are buying a house together.

Sorry for all the typos I keep crying today. I had a long week in hospital with my oldest

I’m so sorry to read this. I had those feelings for a long time and deeply regretted ending my marriage. I missed being a family and it’s very lonely being a single parent. However, I did have a tendency to have rose tinted glasses-I dismissed the times I’d be crying and wishing my husband didn’t speak to me in that way. I also ignored the way my son’s behaviour improved at school after we separated-he must have been feeling the tension at home prior to this. Luckily, we managed to co parent pretty amicably and never weaponised our kids so now they’re young adults they love both their parents. I’m also remarried to the kindest man who tells me every day how much I mean to him. I’ve learned a lot about what makes marriage work from him.I still feel very sad over my first marriage-if I had the marriage I have now, we would never have divorced. But sometimes, life is about making choices based on the situation at the time-if we had stayed together, maybe we would have ended up despising each other and the children may have been damaged. If you had stayed married, would you have been happy with a man who was unfaithful to you? Would it have happened again? Would you have had constant chipping away at your self esteem? And is your current relationship right for you?

You’ve got a lot on your plate just now, it’s natural that you would look to “simpler” times. In any separation there are losses and gains, you quickly moved into a new relationship possibly before you had really found your stride as a single person.

You're having a tough time lately, it seems. Sorry your eldest has been in hospital.

I don't think how you're feeling means leaving your marriage was a mistake. I think it means that you're not happy at the moment and everything's getting on top of you.

He had an affair, was controlling and abusive, he never helped with the children and was never there! I’d rather be alone that put up with that crap.

nothing to miss there, you mention the house and the children being shuttled about these are not reasons to stay with someone.

Failed to recognise the value of a man who cheated on her? Sorry, what value is that?!!

This.

OP - how did he end up with the money for a house and you and the kids ended up in a 2 bed flat?

He only has them EOW?

Does that count as being a good coparent?

we didn’t have much equity in the house but he has lived with his brother rent free for 2 years and saved a lot and has met someone who has no children and owns her own house. They both have good jobs so have gone 50/50 on a house. My equity put 12 months upfront on a large 2 bed flat, as no one would rent to me as I worked part time. I now work full time from home. It’s hard for me to progress work wise as my oldest has serious health conditions and I need to be around for him.