Has anyone left their marriage even though you both really love eachother? Please talk to me.

[thisfuckinghurts]

Long story short. My husband and I have been together around two decades. We have three young kids and own a house together. We fell madly in love when we met eachother and have always really loved and fancied eachother. However, in the recent years it’s becoming more and more apparent that we are fundamentally different people with very different needs. Partly we were always different but partly we have also become more different as we responded differently to life events (getting older, having kids and stuff).

My husband is a very sensitive and emotional person whereas I am much more rational and independent. That’s just one big difference, there are others. Because we love eachother a lot and love our family we’ve tried to overcome these differences but we simply haven’t managed it. It now seems I can’t meet his emotional needs which is distressing for him but also for me. It feels like we’re not longer compatible. We’ve really tried to work on things, therapy etc but at the end of the day it hasn’t made much of a difference.

I wonder whether anyone else in this position could share their view. I often read threads on here about people who divorce because the relationship has run it’s course, is toxic, or the spouses still get along well but there isn’t a spark.

But how about people like us? We still very much have a spark and love one another but our diffferent personalities and our inability to resolve these differences is destroying us. Has anyone experienced the same? Did you divorce? Did you stay together? Keen to hear from people especially those who divorced, as I think that’s where we’re headed even though it seems madness when we love eachother and our family😢

Long story long more like😳 sorry😳

I’m struggling to understand what the issue is. You get on with each other, you love each other but you have different personalities . Doesn't everyone ? I don’t know anyone married to a carbon copy of themselves .

What kind of emotional needs does he have that can only be met by you and you are unable or unwilling or do so ?

Why do your difference have to be resolved ? Why can’t you live with them ? Or is it fundamental things like wanting mutually incompatible lifestyles ?

Yeah, it all sounds like a bit of a mountain out of a molehill, not sure you’re explaining it very well. But ultimately if one of you doesn’t want to be married anymore you can get divorced. Grass isn’t always greener though.

It really depends by what you mean by not meeting his emotional needs.

All couples and different and most have different “love languages” - it’s a bollocky phrase but it is true. For example, my DH values physical touch more, I value doing tasks for me. But like most couples we try and be aware of it and sort of meet in the middle.

What does he feel you don’t “do”?

I'm struggling to get it aswell. Perhaps you should give some examples of exactly what the problem is here because to be honest, I'm not really getting it.

What emotional needs does he have that you aren't meeting? What do you mean by that?

I agree with Boleyn. 5 languages of love? Who gives a toss! If it doesn't come naturally to you, but your partner says they want it, then if you care, you make the effort. It's that simple. If touching doesn't come naturally to you, but your partner told you, that's what they want, then that's what you do. Hardly rocket science.

Could you live apart while still maintaining the marriage? Not all couples are cut out to live together but I'd be reluctant to be give up a relationship which has attraction and love, particularly when there are child to consider

Is this his way of saying that someone else is meeting his emotional needs?

If not then I’m not sure what you mean either. They say opposites attract and I do think that’s true to an extent - a partnership is a bit like a team in that you both need to bring different things to the table in order to function well. I also think you have to modify your behaviour a wee bit to give them what they need, but equally not rely on each other to meet your every need iykwim - it’s important to have independent rounded lives.

This all sounds very odd. What actually is the problem?

My DH and I have different personalities and different needs and we express love in different ways. Because we're different people! But we make the effort to meet in the middle, because we love each other. Why can't you do that?

I’m sorry, I know it sounds really vague. I’m partly being vague because I don’t understand it very well neither. I thought we were really happy together but my husband told me he thinks we’re incompatible and I don’t meet his needs.

to be clear, we have great fun together and great sex and we have (largely) the same values. I guess one problem is we rarely get to go out together or go away for the weekend as we have young kids and no family help nearby. We do sometimes get a babysitter and go for dinner etc but not very often. I thought this was normal in a household where both parents work and you have young kids. I guess I was wrong?!

Some examples would be useful, I’m in a similar boat as everyone else I’m afraid. Have you tried therapy to help the communication between the two of you?

Is either of you eyeing up someone else? If not it sounds like you have a lot to fight for.

I'm still not very clear what the issue is, you say you very rarely get to go away together or out for dinner but you think that's normal. For many families, that IS absolutely normal so what you think and what is happening in your family is fine. Does your husband want to go out more? I mean splitting up over something like that seems a bit dramatic – surely you just try to go on a cheap night out more often?

Cherchez la femme, I’m afraid. His head is likely turned if you’re “not meeting his needs” when you have good sex and laughs and have enjoyable family time.

Me and my DH are complete opposites in every way. About the only common interest we have is food! But we make it work because the good outweighs the bad and we'd rather be together. Have you just had enough of your DH being emotional and sensitive and think you'd be happier without him? That's what it sounds like.

Well, he is an adult, he should not be blaming you for not meeting his needs, whatever they are.

... he's started The Script there I'm afraid OP, cherchez la femme.

Yes.
I’m really sorry OP but it sounds like he might have somebody else.

Try Gottman seven principles for making marriage work.

Has his revelation of incompatibility come out of the blue? If so it could be someone else is on the scene. Keep your eyes open.

Sorry Op, I rarely think it's another woman, but this is too weird. You love each other, are still having good sex, but he wants out? I'd be looking for who she is. Sorry.

I'm not talking about my experience, but if he's got kids and the emotional depth and joy that brings, why does he need to self-actualise his own emotional progress? His own kids might not even have emotional well-being, if he's prepared to split up the home. How can being rational and strong be a bad thing to live with?

I'm blinking lost for words. He should grow up.

What needs does he want you to meet ???

Lack of time to have dates is perfectly normal during the young children stage of life. So is lack of time to just sit down and talk for hours like you did before. Connections come in quicker moments and sometimes you bond over ridiculous things like parenting. That’s marriage.

so either you aren’t explaining well op, or he is trying to spin his disdain for mundane nature of life into something more.

Yeah this sound when you describe it like it’s him talking and not you?
how much therapy have you had and what did the therapist say?

we have great fun together and great sex and we have (largely) the same values.

What values don't align? Unless they're huge, I don't see how your considering divorce if this is your relationship?

I guess one problem is we rarely get to go out together or go away for the weekend as we have young kids and no family help nearby. We do sometimes get a babysitter and go for dinner etc but not very often. I thought this was normal in a household where both parents work and you have young kids. I guess I was wrong?!

If you have a babysitter, it's easy enough to get them in more often. Nobody divorces over such a simple issue.

What's actually going on here? What are these misaligned values? Why isn't it enough to get the babysitter in more often? Is it a financial thing?

What does he want that is so impossible to provide that you might divorce over it?