Has anyone left their marriage even though you both really love eachother? Please talk to me.

[thisfuckinghurts]

Long story short. My husband and I have been together around two decades. We have three young kids and own a house together. We fell madly in love when we met eachother and have always really loved and fancied eachother. However, in the recent years it’s becoming more and more apparent that we are fundamentally different people with very different needs. Partly we were always different but partly we have also become more different as we responded differently to life events (getting older, having kids and stuff).

My husband is a very sensitive and emotional person whereas I am much more rational and independent. That’s just one big difference, there are others. Because we love eachother a lot and love our family we’ve tried to overcome these differences but we simply haven’t managed it. It now seems I can’t meet his emotional needs which is distressing for him but also for me. It feels like we’re not longer compatible. We’ve really tried to work on things, therapy etc but at the end of the day it hasn’t made much of a difference.

I wonder whether anyone else in this position could share their view. I often read threads on here about people who divorce because the relationship has run it’s course, is toxic, or the spouses still get along well but there isn’t a spark.

But how about people like us? We still very much have a spark and love one another but our diffferent personalities and our inability to resolve these differences is destroying us. Has anyone experienced the same? Did you divorce? Did you stay together? Keen to hear from people especially those who divorced, as I think that’s where we’re headed even though it seems madness when we love eachother and our family😢

I rarely say head turned but this sounds like it to me. It often comes from nowhere with men.

Sorry, can I just clarify ; how old are you? you've been together for 20 years but you have young kids? so did you wait deliberately or struggling to conceive? how old are you now? Are you sure this isn't some sort of midlife fucking crisis that he suddenly thinks the grass is Greener ,single ? and doesn't appreciate what he's got, or like I say met someone - had his head turned? it's all just sounds really really weird.

Ah, so he's had his head turned then.

I feel for you, OP. Reading your first post, I thought you were in the same position I was in some years ago.

I had a long relationship with a man I loved and wanted to stay with forever. He felt the same. We lived happily together for several years. Then we started noticing our differences in long-term aspirations: lifestyle, what country to live in, whether to have children etc. It became a long-distance relationship and gradually died out. Agonisingly painful and I wouldn't recommend that to anyone. A clean break is better.

But, having now read your updates, it doesn't sound like that for you. It seems that your husband wants the break, not that you're both discovering incompatibilities that can't be overcome. He needs to tell you more clearly and honestly what's going on.

Best of luck, OP.

It is normal. Generally when the kids are small it’s all about them and the parents’ relationship takes a back seat. Tbh you both sound like you’re over-analysing your relationship and you both sound pretty self-absorbed. You chose to have kids now you’re thinking of blowing their lives apart by splitting the family up for pretty flimsy reasons. How about putting your kids first and trying to sort things out?

When you've been with someone many years, of course both of you change, develop, grow. It would be very boring to be married to someone who didn't.

When the solid bedrock is love and trust, it's safe for both of you to admit to be less than perfect and learn to accommodate each others differences.
You can learn as much about and from his and your imperfections, as from the bits that are easy to love.

This is very confusing. I have to say that it only makes sense to me in the context of him checking out emotionally and starting the script.

But to be honest, if I am wrong about that and he is being genuine, then someone being selfish and childish enough to consider leaving a 20 year relationship and breaking up their children's family over such trivial issues that they can't even articulate them properly would make me see them in a completely different light and cause very severe damage to any trust I had in them.

Sounds like maybe you have different attachment styles and that's more what's impeding you rather than having different interests.

I was in a relationship years ago and we do wanted to be together but just couldn’t make it work. I could never understand why. It was so sad. Years later I read a book on attachment and realised that it was never going to work as our attachment styles were just totally incompatible.

“I am reading it as a decade plus together where he was the OP's only focus and along comes a child and her focus is not all about him anymore. He sees this as his emotional needs not being met, for example not going out enough as a couple like they used to. OP is getting fed up of this continual need for focus on him when she has a child to nurture.

It's not that unusual for some fathers to feel neglected when a child becomes part of the dynamic or for a mother to see how needy their partner actual is.”

This.

I'm still not sure I understand. From your posts:

You love each other. You laugh a lot. You have lovely times together and great sex. You were happy. You thought he was happy. But now he's told you that you don't meet his emotional needs?

You need to understand exactly what those needs are that he thinks you should be meeting.

The example you gave didn't help I'm afraid. That reads as though he'd like to go out more but you can't. Why can't you? Or don't you want to? Why not get a babysitter? But even if you can't go out much, I know lots of people with young children don't have great social lives - it shouldn't be marriage-rocking stuff if the marriage is otherwise good. In any case, this isn't an 'emotional needs' thing.

I too wonder if he's had his head turned by someone else and is laying the groundwork, or making himself feel justified by rewriting your marriage as not emotionally fulfilling.

This is cheaters script and he's really gaslighting you with this 'not meeting needs' nonsense.

Young children, busy mum, poor sausage not having 'needs met', honestly it's text book!

Unfortunately I agree.

Is he very needy @thisfuckinghurts because that would do my head in. What is it he wants, long conversations, starry eyed stuff? I mean with small kids it's not realistic you have to prioritise and unfortunately that kind of thing does take a back seat.

Maybe go marriage counselling but remain together. As you do love each other.

There is someone else. Having young kids is hard work that should be shared by both parents. Not just shouldered by one while the other complains about not having his needs meet. He's an ass.