Would you contact the OW?

[Helena22]

I have posted in other chats about my finding out recently that DH has been having an emotional affair with a rep he knows from work. I am actually convinced it is more than just emotional and that (despite his protestations to the contrary) they have met up and spent time together. I have her email (work) and mobile number and wondered if there is anyone here who has been through similar and who has contacted the OW? I guess I just don't believe what he is telling me hence the reason for wanting to contact her but I am at the same time worried about what she will say and how I will feel about it.

If there is any chance of you wanting to stay in this marriage then yes, I would investigate. He might very well be lying to you and you don’t have to accept being lied to. It’s no longer a matter of trust because his actions have destroyed that. So yes, I would in your position, go for it as you deserve to know everything that has been going on behind your back before you can make a decision. The truth might be painful but it’s better then to always keep wondering if you really know what happened.

I don't think you should stay with him whatever she says

@Helena22

You may not get the answers you want.

So be careful.

Really get all you need to know out of him.

Op, she’s not going to tell you if she’s having an affair. That’s your husbands job. She will let him know you’re asking and will respond as he wants her to . It’s pointless.

honestly you need to deal with the issues with your marriage with your husband. The man was buying her gifts. Proclaiming love etc, that’s much worse than sex.

if you still don’t believe him it’s him you need to talk to.

Do you actually want to know the truth regardless what it is or are you hoping she will say the same as he has and then you will feel maybe you can get past it?

They've almost certainly agreed what they will say by now so if she says nothing happened - how can you believe that? Maybe she would say that because your husband told her to.

OTOH, if she says actually he's ball deep in me every chance he gets - what will you do with that? Is that what you need to hear to leave him?

No, I didn't contact the OW, although she was clearly worried I would as she swiftly blocked me on all SM.

The fact that my exh had broken my trust and been unfaithful was enough for me, without knowing all the gory details, to know our marriage was over. I knew I would never be able to un-know what I knew and I didn't want to live a half life of constantly wondering where he was and who he was with.

I did recently. She just said word for word what my partner said. Not worth it. Best to try focus on what you want to do now.

From my experience your husband will have told the OW lies about you, if she knows he is married, and her loyalties will lie with him not you.

If she affirms the affair (with or without the physical element) and if she tells me more or the same as him then that will help me move on. Likewise if she peddles a very different story. I am not afraid of hearing that they are in love with each other. I am sure they are but I feel I need to be totally sure before blowing my own and the kids' family apart.

I did and it got me absolutely nowhere, because she denied all of it!

I asked him to cut all contact with her when I found out but 3 months on and he still has her mobile number saved in his contacts.....and he will definitely be seeing her on and off at work.

No, he has blown your life apart. You have done nothing wrong but only you can decide how to make your life the best it can be for yourself and your dc from this point.

She will unlikely tell you any different from your husband as that will be what they agreed to say. Don't rely on either of them for the truth, you may have to accept that you will never know and need to decide whether you can live with that.

OP he obviously gives no fucks about you

I was going to say I'd contact her until this.

He's refused to delete her number.
Whatever his excuse for that he's not respecting you, even now.

Depends. I did this only a few days ago. She was actually working with my partner that day I msged her and she took hours to respond and my partner even admitted she asked if he wanted to see what she wrote. So no doubt they talked about it ect got stories straight. She also is married with children.

So it depends on if she likes your partner if she has something to loose because if she does there is no way you will get any truth from her. She might slip up on a few details but chances are it will all be very scripted and you'll feel even more like a mug like myself.

A few days later she was back to messaging him about work stuff at night so they don't care.

If she has no idea you exist maybe she will tell you.

I felt the same way you want everything in black and white to help leave.

If she knows she's the OW then that tells you all you need to know about her character. She'll be a practised liar with zero morals and unlikely to feel any concern for you. If she doesn't know she's the OW then I guess you'll be doing her a favour.

Don't bother. You won't get closure. Bin him now.
Your husband is a lying cheat. He's the one who's done the damage, not the OW, and not you.

You won't gain anything from it, apart
From heartache and drama.

She knows she is the OW. She also has a boyfriend of two years that she doesn't live with. And she had a fling (physical) with one of DH's colleagues before moving on to DH. So she is fully aware - when I confronted DH about it - she just said I am sorry.....hmmmmm

What I meant was when I confronted DH about the affair, he messaged her straight away to tell her that our DD had found out and told me. She just said "sorry". Bit late for that after 2 years during which our son was seriously ill.

She almost certainly doesn't love him if that's the kind of person she is

Then if she doesn't love him why would she stay with him for 2 years and risk hurting me and my kids as well as hers (from her ex-husband)?

2 years and he is saying it's purely emotional? I think you know this is highly unlikely and he has chosen to be unfaithful with her over and over again in this time.

Who she has had relationships with in the past is irrelevant, it is the choice of these men whether to get involved with her and your husband chose to, knowing that doing so could potentially end your marriage.

She sounds like she doesn't care but you need to concentrate on your husband's part in this. He clearly doesn't care about you

Because she's thinking about her own wants without caring about who she hurts, like your H.

It sounds like these kinds of relationships work well for her - where she can keep them at arms length.