How do you stop being jealous when he has a night out...

[crikeybiller]

DP of 3 years is out with mates tonight on a mates birthday night.
We don't live together, we're both divorced but see each other more or less every day and all weekend. I haven't seen him since Wed due to work stuff and I would have gone there tonight but he's going out.
The issue I have is I will feel panicky, anxious and jealous all bloody night long.
I was married 20 years and I NEVER felt like this ever, I couldn't have cared less , enjoyed the time alone and wanted him to go out more !
This feeling is so alien to me. I'ts eating me up. Im convinced he will be chatted up, or meet someone else or cheat. It's ridiculous.
Im doing all the right things, I'm going out with my own friends tonight but I know I'll be worrying. We track each other on life360 as we live apart and I often work late so I know I'll jeep looking it.
Plus I know an attractive colleague of his will also be there.
Aghhhhb.
My Eldest adult dd thinks I'm ma's and keeps reminding me he's 55, grey and a little overweight, whereas I'm 47 , slim and I think I'm pretty attractive so he's the one that should be worried lol.
How can I stop this? It's literally making me feel sick !!!

When my partner is out and I have moments of uneasiness I remember I can’t control anything or anyone in life, I can only control my reaction to things.

So, my typical personal thought process goes something like this:

• my partner is a good person with strong morals and integrity and I feel he loves and respects me and values our relationship
• if he, by chance, is faced with a situation where he would need to set aside his morals and integrity I believe he would not do this, I believe he would not do anything to betray our relationship
• if he were to in some way set aside his morals, integrity and his respect for me then that would indicate he is not the person I thought him to be
• if I came to be aware that he was not the person I thought he was (that he had cheated or betrayed me and our relationship) then I would be able to act on this knowledge in order to do what is best for me.

So I basically talk myself into a position that I only torture myself if I attempt to control anyone’s behaviour and that what will be will be. IYSWIM?

@WeThreeKingsofOrientAre thank you, that was helpful and the kind of advice I was looking for.

Yes I'm desperately insecure. I don't know why.
I think I was unhappy in my marriage for so long, and ironically he was very controlling and jealous, that now I'm in a happy, open relationship I find myself waiting for it to go wrong.
As if I'm not a good person, that deserves it...

I don't know how to fix myself...

What the hell are you tracking each over for? Not normal, very possessive, not healthy

And do not listen to @whattodo1975 .. they sound a little irrational and insane

I 'm pretty sure @whattodo1975 was making light of it.....

Astounded to see that you're in fact 47 and not 17.

I think you should get some counseling around it, genuinely it would help. Your insecurity is impinging onto your choices, the tracking app etc which is just going to feed into it more. It can't be nice feeling like this constantly. It's not unreasonable that a crap marriage has impacted on you like this.

Seems way to enmeshed. And taking to your son about it? Not fair on him.

Counseling would seem appropriate.

Tracking a partner is a horrible habit, and a deal-breaker for me, so turn that off for a start. Somehow you need to adjust your mindset - it's great news for 2 mature adults to have their own interests and social lives. Everyone needs their independence, so you should both be proud that you have separate friends and time apart, as well as together. It would be miserable if you only ever spent time with each other.

Why on earth do you track each other??

I'm in LDR. DP and I see each other on weekends only. It's never crossed my mind to track him. It's such a bizarre thing to do.

You actually sound a teeny bit batshit tracking him stopping somewhere in his hometown (sorry!)

Sorry OP. I think you should consider getting help for these insecurities.

Has he ever done something for u to feel this way?

Unless OP is perimenopausal in which case the irrational anxiety may make complete sense and the therapy she needs is hormonal replacement?

Neurotic as fuck.

Op my dd is 18 and at Uni. I don’t constantly track her, because we don’t live together. Your whole reasoning on ‘we don’t live together and work late so track eachother’ makes no sense.

Whose idea was this? His or yours? How did that come about?

You need some professional help. You won’t ‘just get over this’ but having access to the tracker, isn’t making you any better.

This. Don't turn a positive into a negative.
I would feel smothered if my SO wanted to know my whereabouts 24/7 and if we saw each other every day and all weekend. Grim!

This. I was wondering when someone would pick up on this. Being good looking has nothing to do with cheating. And no one should "worry" about the other cheating based on looks or any other reason.

He hasn't done anything really. He's very open abd good with his communication.
He told me he messed up his first ever relationship in his early 20s by having a one night stand and he's quite chatty and flirty when he goes out, but that's it really.
It's me....I'm literally the problem.
I need to just stop.
Whst will be will be

This is really good advice!

Ok ok ......I need to sort it out thank you.
And yes, I'm.peri menopausal which has hit me like a ton of bricks and made me feel really awful .

No, @Coldiron it's the tracking app thats causing to the irrational anxiety.

We track each other on life360 as we live apart and I often work late so I know I'll jeep looking it.
I've been married for 30 years. If my husband suggested that kind of tracking I'd be seeing a divorce lawyer tomorrow.

Yes sorry I wasn’t being serious at all just to clarify.

Why on earth are you tracking him???

I’m sorry, but this is so unhealthy. I think you probably need to take a step back from the relationship and look into counselling.

I find the tracking so bizarre, I'd never want that with my DH. Delete it from your phone, make sure he's deleted it and have a fun night out. You need to work on the underlying issues, from both sides, what does he do/not do to make you worry he'll cheat and equally why do you worry about it?

It sounds like you don’t trust him. If you did, you wouldn’t be worried about him cheating. Has he given you reason to believe he’s untrustworthy?