Sexsomnia help

[sharonk04]

Hi I’m in a loving relationship up until now not sure what’s going on.

my partner will subconsciously try and play with me at night it only last couple of minutes he will groan say stuff like when we do get intimate awake.

I mentioned it to him the first time he did it i was freaked out the we have laughed about it.

Sunday night he tried to do it he was being
forceful with his hands I rolled over and moved away.

I spoke about it with him on monday and he has no recollection of doing so. I said he was being quite rough and forceful with his hand.

monday evening we got intimate before bed I could see in his face he wasn’t really into it which was strange he’s never been like that before midway of having sec he lost his erection which he did a week ago but said it’s because he held his cum in. Anyway that stopped any playing we went to bed.

last night he done the same thing started playing with me but this time he moved me closer to him, turned my head and was kissing tongues everything like we usually would and then I’m sure he said his ex’s name 😒 I rolled over and went to bed.

this morning again he had no recollection of it and doesn’t think he would have said her name I mentioned it felt like he wasn’t really there when we did get intimate consciously. He said he’s had a lot on his mind that he hasn’t shared with me as he did want to stress me out and that he will speak to me tonight.

I’m feeling deflated one he lost his erection during sec his head wasn’t in it and at night I genuinely thought he was awake but he has no recollection of it.

i don’t know what to think has anyone dealt with sexsomnia before?

I don't think it's sexsomnia.
It reads as though it's deliberate to me.

@girlmom21 do you mind elaborating please?

I think he is a sex pest: waiting til you're asleep to start unwanted touching, waking you, pretending he doesn't know what he is doing.

He needs to get himself straight to the doctor to get investigations into his nocturnal behavioural changes.

You are not safe sleeping with him - he is forceful and rough with even when 'sleeping'. If he loved you he would move to the spare bed or the couch until investigations find out what is causing him to attack you at night.

I am sorry.

He can't have full, penetrative sex with you but can touch you forcefully in the night and conveniently not remember it, ever.

Are you certain he's asleep when he's touching you? Do you try to wake him?

I have a horrible, horrible feeling that he's gone off sex because it just doesn't 'do it' for him anymore and he's crossed the line into this.

I really hope I'm wrong.

You are not safe sleeping with him - he is forceful and rough with even when 'sleeping'. If he loved you he would move to the spare bed or the couch until investigations find out what is causing him to attack you at night.

This. Sexomnia is rare, abusive men are common. You're hearing hooves and thinking zebras.

He’s done it a few times where he’s just touched me above my clothes this time his fingers were inside. He was kidding me as he usually would tongues everything I genuinely thought he was awake until I’m sure I heard him say his ex name then he went into snoring mode.

I feel violated and extremely upset.

I went and slept in the spare room he woke me up before he went to sleep no recollection of anything

He's escalating. You didn't respond badly when he touched you outside your clothes so now he's seeing how far he can push it.

How long have you known him. How was your sex life before this.

This exactly. He is pushing you into allowing him to sexually assault you under the guise of 'I'm asleep! I don't remember!'

Actual real sexsomnia is incredibly rare. You need to sleep seperately and insist he sees a doctor. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

Sex life has been great it’s been 2 years

Are you saying that you went and slept in the the spare room (so as not to have to be in the same bed as him) and he followed you to the spare room when he went to bed (rather than going to sleep in the usual bedroom), assaulted you and then claimed not to remember it?

The other examples you have given make clear that a) he is abusing you and b) his abuse is escalating (which abuse always does), but if I have understood the above example correctly then I would get out immediately. Now. Get up and leave. Don't pack anything, just GO. He will keep escalating and if it's moving this fast then I would be very, very worried about what will happen next. I'm sorry. I have seen similar happen before, and by the time she left it had escalated to a lot, lot worse than the awful things you have sadly been through already.

If it was accidental then surely he would be mortified, seek gp help and never sleep in a bed with you again. Even once he got it under control with medication or therapy or whatever, as its just too risky.

But instead he continues to put you at risk and acts like he doesn't care. Thats not normal.
He is a liar op. And, sexually assaulted you.

I think there are 2 explanations. 1) he has suddenly developed sexsomnia which seems pretty unlikely but if this is the case he needs to see a specialist and get some advice because you cannot live like this, being touched without your consent every time you go to sleep or 2) he is assaulting you in your sleep. my abusive exh started doing this after 7 or 8 years - instead of saying he had sexsomnia he said i was the one assaulting him in the night (i wasn't). I know its hard to even think it could be number 2, because he said he loves you, but it seems much more likely than number 1 to me.

Sexomnia can be stress induced as can erectile dysfunction. Those saying he is abusing you in purpose are jumping the gun a bit in my opinion.

Next time it happens, wake him whilst he's doing it. If it's for real he will be very disorientated and confused.

This is sexual assault, you can't consent when you're asleep. He's having rape fantasies hence doing this repeatedly.

I'd leave him the vile man

Everyone is saying it’s abuse and not sexsomnia, but that isn’t necessarily the case.
My partner used to touch me in his sleep, in a kind of inept teenage boy way, as if he’d had no previous sexual experience. I’d wake up and find him humping my leg, or pawing at my vagina. Sometimes I would wake him up and tell him, sometimes I’d just move away.
It wasn’t abuse, he was asleep and had no idea that he was doing it. As he got older it became less and less frequent, and then completely stopped.
I was lucky that we had a really strong and honest relationship and could talk (and laugh) about it.
Don’t immediately assume he’s being abusive. Obviously if you are finding it traumatic then he needs to get referred to a sleep expert. If your relationship is strong and he’s a decent man in other ways then don’t just leap to the idea of him being an abuser.
Life is rarely that black and white.

The two aren’t mutually exclusive. Whether or not he really has ‘sexsomnia’ (which I think is highly unlikely), he is still sexually assaulting the OP. As others have said, if it really were ‘sexsomnia’ he would be mortified, book a GP appointment and sleep in a separate bedroom.

An ex of mine claimed he had ‘sexsomnia’. It progressed to full-blown rape and led to injuries. He just laughed it off ‘oh my sexsomnia’. Well, it wasn’t ‘sexsomnia’, he was a rapist and abused me in many other ways.

I think you should leave before it gets worse.

My partner had sexsomnia. He was mortified. However, he did not make a gp appointment or sleep in the spare room.
He never raped me.
Abuse implies intent.
If he’s asleep he has no control over his actions.
If he is mortified, he may be too embarrassed to ask his gp for help.

I’m sorry, could you point me in the direction of where I said everyone is an ex of mine, and that this is the same thing I experienced?

He's not mortified. Hes laughed about it.

My partner and I laughed about it as well. Didn’t mean he wasn’t mortified.
Have you never laughed out of embarrassment?

Bullshit, Simeón who is mortified that their sexually abusing their partner seeks help.