Sexsomnia help

[sharonk04]

Hi I’m in a loving relationship up until now not sure what’s going on.

my partner will subconsciously try and play with me at night it only last couple of minutes he will groan say stuff like when we do get intimate awake.

I mentioned it to him the first time he did it i was freaked out the we have laughed about it.

Sunday night he tried to do it he was being
forceful with his hands I rolled over and moved away.

I spoke about it with him on monday and he has no recollection of doing so. I said he was being quite rough and forceful with his hand.

monday evening we got intimate before bed I could see in his face he wasn’t really into it which was strange he’s never been like that before midway of having sec he lost his erection which he did a week ago but said it’s because he held his cum in. Anyway that stopped any playing we went to bed.

last night he done the same thing started playing with me but this time he moved me closer to him, turned my head and was kissing tongues everything like we usually would and then I’m sure he said his ex’s name 😒 I rolled over and went to bed.

this morning again he had no recollection of it and doesn’t think he would have said her name I mentioned it felt like he wasn’t really there when we did get intimate consciously. He said he’s had a lot on his mind that he hasn’t shared with me as he did want to stress me out and that he will speak to me tonight.

I’m feeling deflated one he lost his erection during sec his head wasn’t in it and at night I genuinely thought he was awake but he has no recollection of it.

i don’t know what to think has anyone dealt with sexsomnia before?

How did your conversation go last night and have you told him how you feel?

Hi all

he’s not abusing and never has been.

just to clarify I slept in the other room no he didn’t follow me he came in the morning to wake me up before he went to bed and see why I was in the other room.

last night we spoke about it he was extremely upset to how upset I was and mortified by his actions. He said himself he will contact the GP.

The embarrassment from sexually assaulting someone? No, never laughed about that.

Ahh well that’s lovely, silly women getting upset about being raped and forcefully sexually touched in their own bed, are just making a big fuss over nothing.

So many people on this thread misunderstanding the difference between doing something deliberately and doing something unconsciously.

Of course I am not suggesting that a man forcing himself on a woman while she’s asleep is ok. But to call that man an abuser if he is ALSO ASLEEP is wrong, both in law and otherwise.

And @girlmom21 I specifically said that I was not upset by sexsomnia when it happened to me, but that the poster DID appear to be upset and should therefore ask her partner to get help.

Only on Mumsnet is every man an abuser.

I have been sexually assaulted multiple times by multiple men. All of them were aware of what they were doing, wide awake, and intentional in their actions.
That was not my experience of sexsomnia, which happened with a loving man in a committed relationship WHILE HE WAS ASLEEP.

@sharonk04 I hope that you are ok, and that you can trust your gut instinct about whether or not your partner is doing this on purpose. None of us know you or your partner, so none of us can tell you whether it’s intentional or not. We can only speak about our own experiences.
My own experience was that a kind and loving man did this to me in his sleep, and it wasn’t on purpose and it wasn’t abuse.
I hope the two of you can work through it and get the help you need.

@Melsuleenia sorry but you're ridiculous. I have no problem at all with the scenario I've described as I'm in a loving and committed relationship, and generally like being touched by DH. In fact, I've had the best sex of my life in this way and have once asked my DH to go to bed after me and initiate when I'm asleep as I'm generally more adventurous when in a semi-conscious state.

Did you miss the part where I mentioned I've engaged in this behaviour too? Does that make me an abuser when I have no control when I initiate in my sleep? My DH would say being woken up like that is a nice surprise.

We don't all have to feel the same way you do about sex, you know.

@Lineeyes222

If you cannot give positive, informed consent then it is assault. End of.

The law is very clear on this point. Also you can withdraw consent at any point in time.

My so-called husband pulled this trick on numerous occasions. The vast majority of rape happens at night in the bedroom. He raped me in the place where we are incredibly vulnerable. The bedroom.

You can not, let's repeat that, you can NOT enter into agreements over what you do in the bedroom before the act has happened. Blanket consent is not a thing.

If she has asked her husband to start to arouse her while she's sleeping so she can wake up and have sex that's not the same as her not waking up and continuing to have sex with her anyway.

@Naunet Bang on. Rape is rape. For the survivor it creates trauma in the body. PTSD. The invisible scars. I would hazard that there are many people walking around with PTSD who don't even know they have it.

@girlmom21

Wrong. You cannot give retroactive consent. Ever. It is that clear.

Let me give you an example. A big fantasy of males is to wake up to find their partner is sucking them off. I must admit I do find that a turn on but I would never ever do that. What would happen if that dynamic went sideways and he then accused me of sexually assaulting him? I would have to lie. I would have sexually assaulted him by the very definition of the law. So rather than submitting myself to that head-ache i prefer not to do it in the first place. It is that simple.

I think women in general need to wake up to their own awesome sexuality. Why is the vast majority of porn aimed at men? Why is it that 5:6 rapes are committed my males on females? Incels?

When a women completely understands the nature of themselves and why we are so prized and valued then the world will tip itself on it's own head. Own that power. Understand how it works and accept no substitutes.

Random idea. Use a smart watch with a sleep monitoring function. Mine is very good at picking up my sleep pattern. If he is not willing to go to GP it might help persuade him?

Here you are OP:

www.theguardian.com/society/2021/jun/15/the-sexual-assault-of-sleeping-women-the-hidden-horrifying-crisis-in-britains-bedrooms

@Haffiana
this is an article about men who are awake raping women who are asleep.
This is categorically not the same as men who are asleep sexually touching their partners who are also asleep.

How are you supposed to tell the difference? Do you think men who do this while awake don’t lie? Are we supposed to just take all men who assault their partners in their sleep at face value when they say they were asleep and didn’t know what they were doing? Like rapists who say their victims consented, were up for it, encouraged them even? Because what I’m taking away from this is that this excuse is somehow viewed as much more plausible than the ‘she was up for it’ excuse, and I’m sure the men who do this (with the exception, of course, of the tiny minority of men with a genuine sleep disorder) are fully aware of that.

My ex (who I should clarify, is not EVERYONE’S ex as one poster kindly pointed out) swore blind he had sexsomnia despite never actually having seen anyone about it or having any kind of diagnosis whatsoever. Is that a reasonable excuse for penetrating me in my sleep on a regular basis, waking up to him thrusting me and leaving me bleeding? Oh poor guy, he just didn’t know what he was doing. It was certainly the perfect excuse for him! No wonder so many rapes go unreported.

The other option is that we assume that all men who do this are rapists. Which is not true.

If you are in a happy committed relationship with a kind loving man, but loads of internet strangers are trying to insist that your husband is a rapist, then you are not going to feel helped by that.

The problem with this thread is that there are several women posting who have experienced horrific sexual assaults and rape, and are therefore suggesting that this must be the case for everyone.

None of us know whether the OPs partner is doing this on purpose. And yet so many posters are claiming that he is an abuser, based solely on their own terrible experiences.

The OP asked if anyone else had dealt with sexsomnia. I can’t speak for other posters, but I gave my honest experience of dealing with it which is equally as valid as your experience.

As I’ve said, the OP asked if anyone else had dealt with it. I’m sorry other posters’ experiences don’t fit with your rhetoric.

@TheFriendlyGhost But that’s exactly the point. You have spoken about your experience, which is entirely valid. And I have posted about my experience, which is also entirely valid.
It’s got nothing to do with rhetoric. It’s accepting that there is no way of us knowing what us happening in the OP’s relationship, based on a few sentences on the internet.
Based on my experience I am NOT insisting that he definitely isn’t an abuser.
But some of the other posters, based on their contradictory experiences, are insisting that he definitely is.
The OP herself stated mid-thread that it isn’t abuse, I think that she is best placed to assess what is going on within her own relationship.

There’s a porn thing where men shag women who are ‘asleep’. Obviously the porn actresses wake up in the throes of a screaming orgasm. Or not wake up.

He’s trying to enact this fantasy

@Bunnyfuller
how do you know he is? Did he tell you so?
so many posters jumping to conclusions and making wild assumptions based on no knowledge at all

@Naunet
Ahh well that’s lovely, silly women getting upset about being raped and forcefully sexually touched in their own bed, are just making a big fuss over nothing.

Oh give over. My comment clarified the legal definition of a crime, nothing more, nothing less. Of course women are right to be upset and angry at being touched without their consent.

Hi

just feeling so alone and fed up I’m pregnant newborn on the way and this pregnancy has taken it right out of me I’m so ill so achey, so sick and constantly bleeding.

my partner has been supportive helping with all chores, cooking dinner looking after the house and kids but I just feel so fed up and alone I don’t know what it is.

I don’t feel like leaving the house, don’t feel like eating, just in so much pain constantly.

I’m probably overthinking things but I just don’t feel loved I’m not sure what it is that I’m looking for or is it I have it and I’m missing it.

My partner helping out but I feel like he gets annoyed if I ask him to get me a drink or he’s annoyed at doing stuff prior to this I was solely doing everything. I have said to him why are you getting so aggy where his response is I’m not but clearly he is. I appreciate everything he’s doing but I feel like I’m being penalised for being ill.

last night I was bleeding loads had to call midwife I’m scared of losing the baby was extremely emotional limping around the house as my legs swollen also have a blood clot.

today he’s gone to see his family and I can’t but feel annoyed his gone and left me when I’m ill but I don’t want to feel annoyed either. He asked me if I will be ok with the kids limping and bleeding and said to call him if I need him and he will come back which will take him 2 hours. I just can’t help but feel deflated like surely you would know yourself I will struggle today why am I making the choice and I don’t want to be like stay for me when I know he wants to go.

I don’t have any family :-( and friends seem to be busy or disappeared.

I don’t know just wanted to air how I’m currently feeling.

There are less than 100 diagnosed cases of sexsomnia WORLDWIDE, so statistically, at least some of the women here diagnosing their partners with it, are fooling themselves.