Sexsomnia help

[sharonk04]

Hi I’m in a loving relationship up until now not sure what’s going on.

my partner will subconsciously try and play with me at night it only last couple of minutes he will groan say stuff like when we do get intimate awake.

I mentioned it to him the first time he did it i was freaked out the we have laughed about it.

Sunday night he tried to do it he was being
forceful with his hands I rolled over and moved away.

I spoke about it with him on monday and he has no recollection of doing so. I said he was being quite rough and forceful with his hand.

monday evening we got intimate before bed I could see in his face he wasn’t really into it which was strange he’s never been like that before midway of having sec he lost his erection which he did a week ago but said it’s because he held his cum in. Anyway that stopped any playing we went to bed.

last night he done the same thing started playing with me but this time he moved me closer to him, turned my head and was kissing tongues everything like we usually would and then I’m sure he said his ex’s name 😒 I rolled over and went to bed.

this morning again he had no recollection of it and doesn’t think he would have said her name I mentioned it felt like he wasn’t really there when we did get intimate consciously. He said he’s had a lot on his mind that he hasn’t shared with me as he did want to stress me out and that he will speak to me tonight.

I’m feeling deflated one he lost his erection during sec his head wasn’t in it and at night I genuinely thought he was awake but he has no recollection of it.

i don’t know what to think has anyone dealt with sexsomnia before?

Bullshit. You don’t know what you’re talking about.

Ok @Helenahandkart so what steps did he take to stop sexually assaulting you?

Actually I'm sorry @Helenahandkart I shouldn't have tagged you. Can't be arsed with an argument about laughing/abuse so good night.

when this happened to me my partner was really humiliated and embarrassed. I knew he wasn’t abusing me, so I didn’t ask him to seek help.

The OP is upset by it, so she should ask her partner to seek help.
But it doesn’t follow that he’s an abuser.

Mumsnet is so quick to shout’ abuser’.

@CourdroySlacks
sorry, my comment wasn’t directed at you, but at savingthreads’ previous comment.
I very much agree with what you said.

Sexual assault is sexual assault. It doesn’t matter what the ‘intention’ is or how sleepy the person doing it was, in the eyes of the law it’s still sexual assault.

@TheFriendlyGhost
That’s not correct.
’Sexsomnia as a defence falls within the area of automatism, meaning cases where a person totally lacked control of their body at the time of the offence not due to their own fault, and will be treated as such. Automatism is a defence available for all crimes.’

But not everyone is an ex of yours,, your experience does not mean this is the same thing you experienced

Did you mean to be so incredibly dismissive about rape @CourdroySlacks ?

That's not strictly true. For a crime to be committed, there must be mens rea (intent) with actus reus (a criminal act). If he doesn't know he's doing it, it's not sexual assault.

It's typically comorbid. Does he sleepwalk/eat/talk?

Sexual abuse is often also comorbid. Is he controlling, a porn user, dismissive of former partners etc.?

Like other poster's have said. If he doesn't know he's doing it, it is not sexual assault.

Crikey. No wonder so many men are ‘sexsomniacs’.

This ^
However, as normal the FIRST conclusion to jump to - in a relationship that has been happy both in and out of bed for two years - is that he is abusive.

He needs to go and see his GP.. that is the FIRST step.

Well you obviously have no idea of the law then.

Intent plays a huge part. !!

You are not safe sleeping with him - he is forceful and rough with even when 'sleeping'. If he loved you he would move to the spare bed or the couch until investigations find out what is causing him to attack you at night

Yep. Read this over and over.

My husband used to do this when we were younger - he actually used to think it was me as a couple of times I woke up, decided to go through with sex with him thinking he was awake too, and then he'd wake up halfway through the act.

I had to be like "no you started touching me then pulled my pants down" but he had no recollection as was fast a sleep.

It was never a massive issue tbh - I just pushed him away if I wasn't interested and he was pawing me. He was very apologetic when he realised he was doing this in his sleep...

Also, as other posters have said, you can just wake him up if he's being too annoying

The OP feels violated.
That's different to how you felt.

How did your partner stop? Maybe give the OP advice rather than just telling her it's ok for him to put his fingers inside her when she sleeps - whether he's aware of it or not. It's not ok.

Had he been drinking alcohol OP?

I've been there, and left the relationship because of it.

Whether it was actually sexsomnia or not, I'm not sure. But, as it happened more than once after he drank a certain alcohol, I asked him to not drink to excess if he was staying with me. He ignored that request and so I ended it.

To me, he knew was was causing the 'issue' but would not rectify it.

To me, it was sexual assault.

My DH occasionally tries to initiate sexual contact while we're both asleep. Usually, I also get into it in my sleep and we tend to wake up properly half way through the act.

He's always been very apologetic, and it doesn't feel like an assault in any way as if I don't want to I would just wake him up. It is annoying when I'm asleep and get into it, and very slowly become conscious, and then realise I didn't want to be woken up as I'll be exhausted in the morning.

I have also initiated sexual contact in my sleep, and usually I do this if I've gone to sleep after reading a romance novel. So maybe we both have sexomnia or maybe we just get horny in our sleep? Neither of us sleep walks, though I do talk in my sleep a lot and I experience semi-conscious states during the night.

Have you tried waking him up while he's touching you? If he really is asleep, he'll be confused. I wouldn't automatically assume he's trying to abuse you.

What a load of bunkum! This talk of 'Mens Rea'. Intent and so forth. THIS is why it is so very hard to call abusers out. Oh, he was asleep, oh he didn't know what he was doing. I call and I smell BULLSHIT!

OP I believe you. I also experienced this. Rape and sexual assault many, many times during my marriage. I left him. When it went very bad, my 'DH', threatened to rape me to 'teach me a lesson'. This threat was issued at tea-time, children in the next room eating their tea. I am well beyond asking for sympathy.

That act alone, the threat, destroyed the image of him in my mind that he was essentially a kind and decent if not a bit disordered person. He was a vile and inhuman monster. A true psychopath.

Let's break this down. The vast majority of people who have NPD use sex as a weapon. In so many ways it will make your head spin. I recommend you read H G Tudor's book, 'Sex and the Narcissist'. That will delineate for you the way sex is used as a weapon of mass seduction, to quote The Bard.

Tudor goes further and delineates that people who have NPD fall into four categories (Cadres). The Victim, The Cerebral, The Somatic and The Elite..

Words that spring out to me are, loss of erection. That is unusual in normal people unless there is an underlying (physical) cause. A genuine person would seek medical help without being pushed.

Also co-morbid with a person who has a sexual issue is a rampant use of porn. Again, there is no such thing as sexual addiction. If you don't believe me then try google. The experts cant work out if this is a thing. That should be telling us something.

His NPD will be showing in other ways. Laziness is key. You doing all the work. All the work where he will be playing lip service. Entitlement is another. Does he have friends? What are his parents like? What are yours like? Do you have children?

I know my words are cold and also brutal but it is essential that you understand what you are dealing with.

Knowledge is power. Take care.

@Lineeyes222

My DH occasionally tries to initiate sexual contact while we're both asleep. Usually, I also get into it in my sleep and we tend to wake up properly half way through the act.

I am sorry. That is sexual assault. Normal people don't do that.

@girlmom21

The OP feels violated.
That's different to how you felt.
How did your partner stop? Maybe give the OP advice rather than just telling her it's ok for him to put his fingers inside her when she sleeps - whether he's aware of it or not. It's not ok.

BANG. ON.