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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Are most men like this?

54 replies

Waveafterwave14 · 15/11/2022 08:24

I have 2 autoimmune diseases. Recently got flu and it absolutely floored me. Now normally I struggle on and look after the 2 DC but I could barely stand on Saturday.
DP has football every Saturday and is gone most of the day. I asked if he could drop the DC to my mums so I could rest. He asked if I was really that bad and said he didn't have time to drop the children and got his mum to come to the house instead. Which I appreciate but the noise was incredible when my head was already pounding and youngest DC did not have a nap all day.
Yesterday DP woke me with lemsip and pills to take and told me to just "lay on the sofa all day with the 2 year old as it's no different than being in bed".
I had to repeat that I could barely stand as so dizzy and I was not able to look after DD.
DP tried to get hold of his mum again and she said she was also poorly and couldn't help out. He was then furious with me that I made him take ONE day off work to care for our child. Not me as he didn't ask if I needed anything or come up to room once all day. He told me the world can't stop just because I am ill. If he is ever poorly I would never get my mum round to look after him/kids and go off kicking a ball around.
Are men really this shitty or am I just feeling sorry for myself because I feel so ill 😢

OP posts:
Everydayaschoolday · 15/11/2022 08:29

Mine wouldn’t act like this. i don’t know what the majority of men would do but this is not caring behaviour nor equal partnership. Hope you feel better soon OP. X

RainbowsMoonbeams · 15/11/2022 08:31

So he got his mum to come and help, who is likely more at risk from catching the flu rather than cancelling football?

Terrible!!

Hope you feel better soon, the flu can be quite serious for those with autoimmune conditions, surely he knows that?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/11/2022 08:38

Your man is this shitty. I would also think you’d go all out to make him comfortable if he was unwell. He has no respect for you, or for that matter his mum, whatsoever. In his head as long as he can do what he wants, the rest of it can go hang.

I would seriously think about what other aspects of your relationship with him too because you will find him wanting there also. Is this really the sort of man you want to be with going forward, what sort of role model will he be to his kids?.

Fidgety31 · 15/11/2022 08:40

Yes I think most are like this . They just don’t think in the same way a woman would.
Hints are not taken either - you have to be direct in asking for what you need

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/11/2022 08:40

It seems also he has the majority of power and control in this relationship with you having very little.

PearlclutchersInc · 15/11/2022 08:41

Sorry to say your man is a bit of a shit.

Not sure what you can do about it, hopefully someone else will have some ideas which may/not involve a patio.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/11/2022 08:43

Men may not exactly think the same but not all men would be this bloody selfish when it comes to their wife or partner being unwell. She was left unwell to hold the fort. Football to this bloke comes first and he was not going to let his partners ill health stop him from going out all day. He probably thinks he is a great family man.

beonmywaythen · 15/11/2022 08:45

Wow that's awful. My husband first of all would never take a whole day a week to play football, much less act like that. I'm sorry you're not supported.

CatsAreCrackers · 15/11/2022 08:48

Using his day off to look after his own children makes him furious? Surely a real man wants to spend his one day off with his children? I couldn't be with a man who treated his children as an inconvenience and me as a nanny.

MaggieMagpie357 · 15/11/2022 08:50

Yeah he sounds like a selfish asshole.

MyTabbyCats · 15/11/2022 09:00

He didn’t care looking after you, caring for the kids or his poor mum catching flu.

Of course this isn’t normal behaviour. Its incredibly selfish behaviour.

I hope you feel better soon.

slowquickstep · 15/11/2022 09:01

When you are better start making Sundays as your day out. Why is he entitled to a full day away every week ?

Yourloss · 15/11/2022 09:01

That’s awful if he didn’t even make you a cup of tea or ask if you wanted anything all day.

Yourloss · 15/11/2022 09:02

I don’t think that’s normal.

YouAreNotBatman · 15/11/2022 09:09

Sadly, most of them seem to be this way.
or horrible in some other way…

FlowerArranger · 15/11/2022 09:18

No, it's not normal, but judging by stories such as yours it's all too common.

I hope you've not made yourself vulnerable by becoming a SAHM, especially since it sounds like you're not married.

A man who opts out of family life for half of every single weekend - and who doesn't care enough about his partner when she's ill to even provide basic comfort and care... The omens are not good and I fear this relationship won't go the distance

Shoxfordian · 15/11/2022 09:26

This isn’t a man who can love you; he’s just selfish

RandomMess · 15/11/2022 09:38

He's an utter shit mine would have cancelled his plans (been gutted to do that but he would if his parents wouldn't help).

He would take time off work to look after them, he'd have been not great car checking on me mainly because if he's ill he wants to be left alone and sleeps it off for 24/48 hours.

Oh and we had 3 DC within 3 years so he'd be busy taking care of them, taking them out so it was more peaceful etc.

You deserve so much better Flowers

ChocoFudge · 15/11/2022 09:42

No, most men are not this shitty. I wouldn't even have to ask my DH to stay home in this scenario, he would make that decision himself as it's the right thing to do.

Aprilx · 15/11/2022 10:31

No I don’t think all men are like this. Unfortunately you have picked a lazy selfish one.

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 15/11/2022 10:34

My DH is rubbish when I'm ill. I don't think many men are cut out to be carers.

dreamingbohemian · 15/11/2022 10:38

No not all men are like this!

I'm sorry OP but I don't think someone who treats you like this can truly have any love for you. I'd be rethinking the relationship.

Phrenologistsfinger · 15/11/2022 10:43

My DP would have taken care of the (dogs, in our case but kids if we weren’t infertile) and brought me tea and food (in between gaming). He is not the most attentive of sickbed carers but he manages the basics and to keep his side of things going. Your DP sounds like a selfish and hardhearted man who doesn’t deserve to be a father.

Covetthee · 15/11/2022 10:43

There are men like this but no DECENT partner would be like this.

i was very ill a few weeks ago and my husband managed to look after both kids for the week and me and never even mentioned it or tried to lay a guilt trip.

with kids its obviously not as simple as ‘LTB’ but you have to seriously think and talk to your partner about this when you’re feeling better

some men do the absolute minimum and expect us to be so thankful. Forgetting Its a partnership until it suits them

AmandaHoldensLips · 15/11/2022 10:44

Please don't tell us you wash his football kit for him.

He clearly has all the maturity and mentality of a 13 year old.

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