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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found out husband cheating after moving abroadroad f

62 replies

Youmeplus3 · 15/11/2022 00:51

I've just moved abroad for my husbands job and our 3 kids.

I've found out tonight he has been cheating on me.

What do I do.

He started the relationship a month before we left apparently.

My Mum and Dad died 3 weeks apart 18 months ago and I'm still I a really bad place. I don't think I can go on.

OP posts:
MMadness · 15/11/2022 01:06

Oh. Shit. What an absolute wanker.

Don't force yourself to make any instant decisions.

Is there scope for you to return to family to get your head straight a little?

silentpool · 15/11/2022 01:35

Are there children involved? Be careful of international custody issues.

If not, best to go home unless you want to stay independently?

MsDogLady · 15/11/2022 01:48

@Youmeplus3, my heart goes out to you.

What an entitled, selfish, contemptuous man. He stole your consent and choices, and then moved you and the children abroad under false pretenses. And he perpetrated that betrayal on top of your grief over the loss of your parents.

How did you find out? Is it possible for you and the children to return?

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/11/2022 01:53

What an entitled, selfish, contemptuous man. He stole your consent and choices, and then moved you and the children abroad under false pretenses. And he perpetrated that betrayal on top of your grief over the loss of your parents.

All of this. Play smart. Get a lawyer, one who understands international custody.

Original poster
Youmeplus3 · 15/11/2022 01:58

I just can't believe he has brought me.out here away from my support network. He left his phone unlocked on the bathroom side and I saw the WhatsApp messages.

I think travelling with the children without fathers consent can be a little complicated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Youmeplus3 · 15/11/2022 01:59

Yes 3 children, age 3, 4 and 6 .

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 15/11/2022 02:04

Ditto @MrsTerryPratchett‘s advice to seek expert legal advice pronto. Maybe there’s a loophole which would enable you to return home since you only recently arrived.

user1477249785 · 15/11/2022 02:05

OP what country are you in. It makes a difference

Fraaahnces · 15/11/2022 02:06

Screenshot all the messages. Grab your passports and the kids. Plus birth certificates, driver’s license, credit cards, bank statements any online financial info re mortgages, loans, credit cards, EVERYTHING you can. Set up a new email address with a password he won’t guess and email copies of everything to yourself.

Valhalla17 · 15/11/2022 02:07

What country are you in OP?

Any family or friends who could fly out and support/help you if needed?

PinkPrettyAndPointed · 15/11/2022 02:07

What an absolutely shit thing for him to do.

If you've only moved there for your h job, then hopefully you can prove it was a 'temporary' move and you aren't stuck there.

Please do see a lawyer asap. And good luck 💐

StartupRepair · 15/11/2022 02:09

OP this is a tough position but stay strong. He doesn't know you know. Have a headache and withdraw for a couple of days while you start to process the hurt and shock and think about what you want.

Original poster
Youmeplus3 · 15/11/2022 02:27

Unfortunately he has all the passports, we went to register as residents last week and they're on his desk in work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Youmeplus3 · 15/11/2022 02:28

Germany. Most have kids so they can't really come out, but they offered me to come and stay with them in UK. They've been amazing.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 15/11/2022 05:05

Is it his home country OP? And do you speak German?

I know someone who got in very hot water taking a child out of Germany without dad's permission. They were resident there though. You need URGENT legal advice. And as PP says, screenshots, copies of everything.

It looks to me like he planned this so be very methodical.

Aprilx · 15/11/2022 05:57

Youmeplus3 · 15/11/2022 02:28

Germany. Most have kids so they can't really come out, but they offered me to come and stay with them in UK. They've been amazing.

Don’t understand this. Are you in Germany or from Germany? Who invited you to stay in the UK and is that where you are?

HarvestThyme · 15/11/2022 06:07

What's your situation? It makes a big difference...

How long you've been there
Why you are there (is this a temp job posting or is he a German/EU citizen)?
Children settled in school?
No resident status yet?
Are you both UK nationals?
Do you have a home to return to?

Original poster
Youmeplus3 · 15/11/2022 06:26

Sorry. Am from UK and lived here til 3 months ago, when we moved to Munich for husbands job.

OP posts:
Original poster
Youmeplus3 · 15/11/2022 06:28

He is British citizen, this was a 3 to 5 year posting. Been here 3 months. Children fairly settled in school. Youngest is with me all day as too young.

Our home has been rented out sadly, but I have friends to stay with.

Both UK nationals.

OP posts:
ClaryFairchild · 15/11/2022 06:42

You're not considered a resident for Hague Convention purposes until you've been there for 12 months. So if you can get back to the UK he wouldn't be able to make you return the children.

HarvestThyme · 15/11/2022 06:48

I'm really sorry that the wanker has done this to you. Rented out your home, uprooted the dc and you. It's shocking behaviour.

What do you want to do? Do you know yet?

I am no lawyer. You may need professional advice. But given your situation, a move back to the UK may be fairly straightforward. The quicker the children are out of the local school, the easier this will be.

Maybe dh will be willing to cooperate in you and dc moving home to the UK. I mean, that's the first step.

If he refuses, the next step is his employer. He is there at their grace, and they have likely funded your move? They may well have a welfare person/HR contact for families. They will not be impressed by him. They will not help to give your dc German residency over your objection.

Get your and dc passports back. No residency.

Make a plan to return, if that is what you want.

If the home is rented on an assured shorthold tenancy, find out when you could have it back. (One year? Two?)

Again, I am so sorry.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 15/11/2022 06:51

Does he know you know? Given the situation I wouldn't confront him about it if he doesn't know you've found out. Do you have access to funds you can get legal advice without him knowing? Could a friend lend you some? I'd get legal advice, find an excuse to need the passports back and get you and DC back to the UK if at all possible.

Outtasteamandluck · 15/11/2022 07:04

Keep quiet. Book a 'holiday' for you and kids back to UK and then stay.

QuentininQuarantino · 15/11/2022 07:08

Can you book to go “home” for Christmas? And then just stay?

im so sorry OP. What a wanker.

ThatPirateLady · 15/11/2022 07:21

You said posting. I’d he military as that will make it much easier to get you and the kids home.