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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help- harsh separation, 2yo involved

54 replies

BlueBritish · 14/11/2022 23:56

Hi all,
Ive made the decision to leave my partner and it’s ended on a very bad not. We have a 2yo who I look after more off the week then he does as he works 5 days a week. As a bit of background we have a mortgage together, both our names are on it. I don’t pay anything towards the mortgage as my partner has a decently paid job and we made a joint decision that I drop to 2 days a week at work as he works long and lots of hours. I really would like him to leave the house, even if it’s for a bit whilst we get sorted. I’ve asked him to leave but he keeps getting very cocky in saying that he pays for everything etc and if anyone should leave it should be me. I can’t leave as I have no where else to go, he has his dads to go to or his mums and I have nowhere, I don’t want to take my daughter out of the house when this is where she lives.
I know it sounds pathetic but I’m sat sobbing as I write this, I feel trapped and stuck and I really don’t want to be around him at the minute. Please somebody help me

OP posts:
DosCervezas · 15/11/2022 08:22

You need somewhere to live and it's not looking feasible to remain in the house. Even if he left you to stay there that would mean he pays you CM and it's up to you if to work out of that covers all of the bills. He's not obliged to continue paying the mortgage after he's left. If you do get to take over the house he may also want his share of the equity in it, which should be 50% regardless of how much he's put in. You were looking after his child while he worked. So you might need to buy him out. Your rights over his assets are minimal/ zero if you weren't married.

Aprilx · 15/11/2022 08:32

I’m sorry but if you don’t want to be around him then you are going to have to go. It is his house too and if he doesn’t want to go he doesn’t have to, there’s nothing cocky about that. I would say the same to my husband if he announced he didn’t wish to be with me anymore and tried to tell me to move out.

Could you afford to take on the mortgage if he did go anyway? One of you needs to buy the other out or you need to sell and split the equity (I am assuming you are on the deeds as well as the mortgage). Your next step is it try and have a conversation about which next step you should take. If he won’t agree to any then you may need to force a sale through court.

Original poster
BlueBritish · 15/11/2022 10:41

@Aprilx the relationship ended because of his actions, one’s that I can not sit and stay by him. I’m not talking about staying in the house for good I’m talking about staying in the house until I find my feet and find somewhere to live as I haven’t got anywhere to go at the minute. I’m sure if you’ve been in a relationship full of financial and emotional abuse you wouldn’t be any to stay either. I wouldn’t want to stay in the house for good, but I don’t want to stay around someone who’s awful to me and has no respect to me when I have nowhere to go. I’m sure things would be different if it was my actions that ended this relationship but it isn’t. I’ve taken his awfulness for far too long now

OP posts:
AmandaHoldensLips · 15/11/2022 10:49

Sounds like you're not married. You need to find out what you are entitled to regarding benefits and help. And you will probably need to go back to work full time. Maybe contact Womens Aid and Shelter.

gottachangeforthisone · 15/11/2022 13:38

You can wish him to move to his parents but if it's half his house and he pays all of the mortgage then I doubt he will.
It also seems he can afford the mortgage on his own as he has been doing this.

You need to increase your hours and share childcare costs so that you can save some money for a rental deposit. Move out and get the house sold . You may need a lawyer. Or he has to buy out your share of the equity.

If he will buy you out now, then you can use that for a rental. Then claim UC with childcare and rent help . To top up existing earnings.

Get on the Turn2us website and put your new single person circumstances including projected rent and childcare costs to see where you stand.

This is why is so important to not have children without marriage if you are a lower income earner than your partner. With marriage you could divorce and probably be entitled to a greater share of the equity and to have all this done via the divorce process. However, it is what it is and getting yourself and child out of this situation is the only way forward in your circumstances.

sianiboo · 15/11/2022 13:43

Legally, what he's done makes zero difference in deciding who lives where. I remember the judge telling my mother in court that my father could have slept with a thousand women, it would make no difference in the division of property etc.

Like previous posters have said, if you aren't legally married, you have very few rights. The best you can hope for is either he buys you out of the property, or the house is sold and you split any equity.

Winceybincey · 15/11/2022 13:46

BlueBritish · 15/11/2022 10:41

@Aprilx the relationship ended because of his actions, one’s that I can not sit and stay by him. I’m not talking about staying in the house for good I’m talking about staying in the house until I find my feet and find somewhere to live as I haven’t got anywhere to go at the minute. I’m sure if you’ve been in a relationship full of financial and emotional abuse you wouldn’t be any to stay either. I wouldn’t want to stay in the house for good, but I don’t want to stay around someone who’s awful to me and has no respect to me when I have nowhere to go. I’m sure things would be different if it was my actions that ended this relationship but it isn’t. I’ve taken his awfulness for far too long now

Then you need to speak to womens aid for advice. You can’t force him to leave and you don’t have to stay in an abusive household. They will advice you on where to go which could be a refuge or temporary council accommodation.

DosCervezas · 15/11/2022 14:01

Work out what equity is in the house and if you can afford it and continue the mortgage,make him an offer to buy him out. If you would struggle to afford it, work out what you'd expect from him to be bought out and let him know and put it towards a new place. You need legal advice as you do this.

Original poster
BlueBritish · 15/11/2022 14:13

Just to clarify to everyone, I don’t want to own the house, I know I wouldn’t be able to afford it, I just don’t want to be around him, I’ve said I want to make this amicable but he doesn’t want that by the looks of things. All I wanted was to be able to stay in the house with my daughter (we’re she’s settled) until I find an alternative arrangement. I’m having to stay in a hotel tonight with my daughter. @gottachangeforthisone my DD was unplanned as I was on the pill at the time when I fell pregnant.

OP posts:
WhiskeyMakesMeFrisky · 15/11/2022 14:26

So you've had a baby with a man, you live in a house that he solely pays for (that you can't afford), you work two days per week and don't contribute to the mortgage etc.

You have decided the relationship is over so you expect HIM to move out of his own house cos you don't like him being there?! Your reason for this is because of your 2yo child .... who has 2 parents but you are talking as if she is your possession.

This man who has paid for your lifestyle and has been naive enough to name you on his mortgage is abusive how? I'm not saying he isn't abusive but that didn't come through in what you've written ... it all just sounds very selfish and about you you you.

Are you going to share how he is abusive?

HomeTheatreSystem · 15/11/2022 14:58

Consult a solicitor about an Occupation order. Regardless of whether or not you are married ( and indeed whether or not you are on the deeds which you are), you can be allowed to stay on in the house for a specific time frame in order to source somewhere else to live. Hopefully given you have a young child whose welfare will be duly considered, this might enable you to buy the time you need to find a suitable place to live.

Original poster
BlueBritish · 15/11/2022 14:59

@WhiskeyMakesMeFrisky i never wanted to drop my hours at work,we have enough family to have looked after my daughter whilst we worked without paying for childcare,he was the one who suggested it would be easier if I did so, as I’d be the one to look after our child and keep the household going etc. i did pay towards bills etc before he went into this better paid job. I still have to pay for everything like clothes for my daughter or her toddler groups and dancing and I still have my own bills such as car, car insurance, phone, I pay for our sofas on finance and I pay for the broadband and tv etc and honestly after only working 2 days a week and still having those minimal bills come out it doesn’t leave me without a lot of money and to for example fill my car or buy the pets their foods

OP posts:
HomeTheatreSystem · 15/11/2022 15:03

WhiskeyMakesMeFrisky · 15/11/2022 14:26

So you've had a baby with a man, you live in a house that he solely pays for (that you can't afford), you work two days per week and don't contribute to the mortgage etc.

You have decided the relationship is over so you expect HIM to move out of his own house cos you don't like him being there?! Your reason for this is because of your 2yo child .... who has 2 parents but you are talking as if she is your possession.

This man who has paid for your lifestyle and has been naive enough to name you on his mortgage is abusive how? I'm not saying he isn't abusive but that didn't come through in what you've written ... it all just sounds very selfish and about you you you.

Are you going to share how he is abusive?

How about you take into account childcare costs in your ravings! HE also has a CHILD that needs to be looked after. Were OP not there to do that for most of the time, his salary would be haemorrhaging child care costs and a mortgage and his lifestyle!

WhiskeyMakesMeFrisky · 15/11/2022 15:18

BlueBritish · 15/11/2022 14:59

@WhiskeyMakesMeFrisky i never wanted to drop my hours at work,we have enough family to have looked after my daughter whilst we worked without paying for childcare,he was the one who suggested it would be easier if I did so, as I’d be the one to look after our child and keep the household going etc. i did pay towards bills etc before he went into this better paid job. I still have to pay for everything like clothes for my daughter or her toddler groups and dancing and I still have my own bills such as car, car insurance, phone, I pay for our sofas on finance and I pay for the broadband and tv etc and honestly after only working 2 days a week and still having those minimal bills come out it doesn’t leave me without a lot of money and to for example fill my car or buy the pets their foods

You still chose to drop your hours though? It may have been his suggestion but you could have said no, kept your independence and shared childcare costs.

You also haven't answered the question of how he is/was abusive?

WhiskeyMakesMeFrisky · 15/11/2022 15:19

@HomeTheatreSystem errrrr OK, my ravings! 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

Aprilx · 16/11/2022 03:39

HomeTheatreSystem · 15/11/2022 14:58

Consult a solicitor about an Occupation order. Regardless of whether or not you are married ( and indeed whether or not you are on the deeds which you are), you can be allowed to stay on in the house for a specific time frame in order to source somewhere else to live. Hopefully given you have a young child whose welfare will be duly considered, this might enable you to buy the time you need to find a suitable place to live.

I haven’t read anything that would suggest that an occupation order would be granted. These are not handed out because somebody wants to end a relationship, there would need to be a very significant risk of harm for it to be granted. Nothing OP has said indicates that there is a significant risk.

DysonSpheres · 16/11/2022 04:11

childcare,he was the one who suggested it would be easier if I did so, as I’d be the one to look after our child and keep the household going etc

That sounds quite nice and thoughtful of him actually. But you didn't have to do it, especially if, by your own admission, you have plenty of ready help for childcare.

I'm afraid I wouldn't be moving out of my home either if I had paid the main contribution to the mortgage. I understand it can be unbearable living with someone you now strongly dislike, but I can't see why he should go and lets face it he might not get back in once gone. That will be his underlying fear.

How big is the house? Could you perhaps compromise by agreeing to be up at different times, use different rooms? Stay out at relatives on alternative weekends?

It's horrible, but the reality of relationships ending is it can be prolonged discomfort until one of you is settled.

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 16/11/2022 07:03

Posters do understand your position but the expectation of being able to live in your current house alone for any length of time is unreasonable I’m afraid. If I was paying the mortgage I wouldn’t be leaving the house, temporarily or otherwise.

You’re working part time, aren’t married and you chose to leave him - without having a realistic plan. Best now to focus on getting yourself a full time job, access arrangements in place, agree any payments that will occur as a result and find a new place to live.

Good luck OP.

Duttercup · 16/11/2022 07:09

@WhiskeyMakesMeFrisky How her partner was abusive isn't any of your business or particularly relevant to the post. She doesn't owe you answers.

Original poster
BlueBritish · 16/11/2022 09:29

It’s not even as though I don’t want to be with him, it’s that I can’t be with him, I don’t want my DD growing up in this environment. It’s horrible

OP posts:
bravelittletiger · 16/11/2022 09:35

Sorry OP for all the bullshit responses you've got. It sounds extremely tough and upsetting. You've made the sacrifice to give up work full time to care for your child and you jointly decided this with your partner. He is the one who should be moving out purely in the best interests of your child. Of course she will stay with you since your partner works long hours and full time and you're her primary carer. I don't understand why other posters haven't taken that into account. Presumably most of them have never been a child in a divorce situation. I can honestly say that moving out of my home was as traumatic as my parents being divorced. It felt like my world was crumbling around me. What do others expect you to do? Move into a shelter with a 2 year old so that your partner can stay in the family home?! He sounds utterly selfish. Unfortunately as you are not married you have fewer rights but if you jointly own the property then it's legally yours too and he can't Chuck you out of it.

Original poster
BlueBritish · 16/11/2022 09:44

@bravelittletiger thank you for your response, it’s completely impossible for him to have our DD at home because of his working house and days etc, most the time he’ll leave the house at 6:30 and not return until 6/6:30 again. I can’t even imagine moving into a shelter with her, how horrible. I paid to stay in a hotel last night but I can’t keep doing that everyday

OP posts:
bravelittletiger · 16/11/2022 09:46

@BlueBritish that sounds so awful I'm so sorry. I really hope I never have to go through anything like that you must be so anxious and stressed. Is there any way of talking sense into him and getting him to leave even for a short time whilst you find alternatives? He needs to be the one to stay with family/friends. Does he not care about where his daughter will stay?

DysonSpheres · 16/11/2022 09:52

He sounds utterly selfish.

How exactly?

bravelittletiger · 16/11/2022 10:02

DysonSpheres · 16/11/2022 09:52

He sounds utterly selfish.

How exactly?

By refusing to leave the family home. By effectively forcing his child and partner into homelessness. By refusing to stay with family and friends which he can do easily. By putting his own needs above his child's. By staying in the family home as a single man who works long hours and has many alternatives open to him. By forcing his child out of her home even though he is the one who has caused the relationship breakdown.

Do you need any other examples?