Please help- harsh separation, 2yo involved

[BlueBritish]

Hi all,
Ive made the decision to leave my partner and it’s ended on a very bad not. We have a 2yo who I look after more off the week then he does as he works 5 days a week. As a bit of background we have a mortgage together, both our names are on it. I don’t pay anything towards the mortgage as my partner has a decently paid job and we made a joint decision that I drop to 2 days a week at work as he works long and lots of hours. I really would like him to leave the house, even if it’s for a bit whilst we get sorted. I’ve asked him to leave but he keeps getting very cocky in saying that he pays for everything etc and if anyone should leave it should be me. I can’t leave as I have no where else to go, he has his dads to go to or his mums and I have nowhere, I don’t want to take my daughter out of the house when this is where she lives.
I know it sounds pathetic but I’m sat sobbing as I write this, I feel trapped and stuck and I really don’t want to be around him at the minute. Please somebody help me

This child has two parents. One of them is the primary carer. One of them works long hours full time. One parent has family and friends nearby. The other parent doesn't. Both parents own the home they live in jointly- they are legally entitled to 100% of the home. One parent is abusive. Only one parent can care for their child. Which parent should stay in the family home?

All the misogynistic people on this thread who think the man should stay in his castle and the woman and child should leave need to focus on the facts. Tell me why the woman and child should be the ones to leave?

It isn't a divorce situation as you are not married. Your best course of action is to contact women's aid and the charity turn2us as pp have suggested. I suggest your priority is to get your name off the mortgage in case he uses that against you and gather together all the evidence of your financial contribution to the purchase and upkeep of the property. The best outcome would be if he buys you out so you can find a place to rent. Meanwhile you work out what you can claim and what help you can get towards child care with a view to getting back into full time work.

It isn't misogyny. It is honest. I feel very sorry for OP, but if they are not married she has very few rights, so the advice has to be based on what she can do in this situation.

@endofthelinefinally there is an awful lot of misogyny on this thread. Lots of posters implying the woman has brought this on herself/should leave the house for her partner/isn't entitled to anything because she hasn't paid the mortgage ignoring the fact that she has contributed in other ways.

Women and mothers are dumped on constantly from all angles all the time. This thread is an example of that. The OP has sacrificed a lot and it's shameful that this man has taken advantage of her and is now using his power as a man (power he has increased by remaining the primary earner) to abuse her and control her further.

You're right that she had fewer rights as she isn't married but that doesn't affect the position that the views on this thread are shocking.

I agree with you, bravelittletiger. However, this situation is so common on MN. There are still so many women who are trapped in this situation and the same advice is given over and over again. I think people do get weary. That doesn't excuse the men who behave like this, not at all.
There needs to be much more education and publicity around the law.
Unfortunately, in recent years, women campaigning for their rights are being silenced and abused. Things are getting worse, not better.

Op please don't take these responses to heart. There's a way of given relevant and quite upsetting advice, but some seem unable to do so without adding a sledge hammer to it.... Women supporting women, eh?

However ultimately you've left yourself vulnerable he's doing what he is entitled to. If he's paying the mortgage in a house he doesn't live in, he would need to pay for somewhere for himself to live in (or stay in) and that would need to have space for your daughter, so it mounts up.

That's the shit bit. The good bit is this is the start of a new future for you and your daughter. I split with my sons father when son was 16 months old. Its bloody hard. However 16 years later and I wouldn't have changed it for the world. I'm madly in love with my partner, my son has gained 3 step siblings and gets on great with them all, we do family holidays, days out, I have bought my own house which is both security and an income etc. It was worth the very short term struggle. Make a list of what you need to do, benefits, house rental, women's aid etc. Try and take the emotion out of it, and th4 blame, and look at things practically, almost like your doing it for your best mate ( makes it easier toseperate emotions from actions).

You can do this and it will be worth it. Good luck

OP, it sounds to me like he suggested you drop hours just to have more power. That’s a classic. And please ignore posters saying “this man is paying for your lifestyle”, JEEZ it’s not as if you’re sipping margaritas and stuffing your face with ceviche poolside in Miami, you’re living in a horrible atmosphere and trying to protect your daughter. GOOD ON YOU for having the strength. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask him to leave for a few weeks for you to get things sorted. I’d go to his parents and say “I’m so sorry but it’s not working, do you think you could take him for a couple of weeks while I get myself sorted?” and then extend that to a few months if you can. INVOLVE THE COMMUNITY. Because these men think they are good and reasonable people and the person he’ll be in front of the wider world is probably not the tyrant you see at home. Good luck to you.

And if you can’t stay: womens aid. Shelters are not terrible. You can qualify for help there I think? (Check that) You on your own will /
should qualify for additional financial help. And rent a one or two bed flat if it’s just you and DD, just for now, so you can easily (well.. it’s a hard world in this landscape of bills rising and cuts to social programmes but more easily!) afford it and can try to save for your next move.

Yes, because this is bullshit.

He works hard, and in doing so ensures (his child also, he's not just a single man but a father) has a roof over her head, and a secure place to live. And god knows a couple decades in the future maybe even an inheritance.

Working long hours doesn't automatically confer a person to non-equal parent status. Why do yiu think it does? Because he's a man and he works??

Did the OP say, no, I want to keep working long hours too? Or was it something negotiated for the ostensible good of the child? An arrangement that many parents in Britain have? Where's her responsibility for her choices, if working is what she preferred?

Misogynistic men always complain about how hard done by they are when it comes to custodial rights and this is the sort of crap I guess they are talking about.

The OP is happily implying she was forced to spend more time with her daughter, then using this very fact as leverage to say she has more parental rights and more right to stay in the home and push her partner out.

And no, I don't support women (except in certain scenarios) just because they're women. What nonsense is that?

Advice has been given to contact women's aid and affiliated charities. Let the op do so, if as she says, she is being abused.

She has not said anything for me to draw the conclusion that her partner is abusive. If she does, my view may change. Of course she doesn't have to, but then I'm going with what I've read thus far.

Op please call women’s aid. Ignore the shitty posters on this thread. X

You definitely need some real life support and advice. Women’s aid would seem most appropriate given the abusive relationship you’ve been in. Please don’t listen to the misogynistic, crap comments and advice some posters have given you here.

This is an anonymous forum and it seems to have recently attracted more posters who don’t mean to support of women and mothers but instead aim to upset and belittle them.

Take care and continue to do what you’re doing in focusing on the needs of your child.

@DysonSpheres I honestly don't even know where to begin with that

To answer just one of your questions yes in the practical sense someone who works long full time hours and has outsourced the day to day parenting to their partner does have unequal parenting status. Just like the person who earns more has unequal earning status. It doesn't mean that they are worth less or valued less but they are valued differently. If the OP was to leave the house and leave her child with her partner, who would look after the child whilst the partner works? They don't have childcare other than the OP for the majority of the time.

It beggars belief that you would see this woman and her 2 year old on the street (almost literally since she has no family or friends) because you support the man's right to stay in the home without question because he pays the mortgage.

It is very easy on an anonymous forum to throw big catch-all words like misogynistic, racist, -phobic around because you have no ability to engage with a different point of view.

I have been on mumsnet nearly 20 years. I agree it's become increasingly crap, but that's because no one can say anything anymore that doesn't go along with easy sentiment and prevailing thought without being labelled with some word intended to shut you up. Add in hyperbolic statements. Like 'you'd see the OP on the streeeeetsss😭😭'

When I never said any such thing.

So I'll do the usual to be back in with the required thought code and of course the club:

"Of course you have the right to stay in the home OP!! None of the choices you've made are your responsibility. It's all your partners fault. Your partner is an abusive bastard, because you say so. His contribution means fuck all. Leaving will lead to untold happiness. Your daughter will be better off with a mum working full time and an absent dad. Benefits are easy to claim...LTB. lada lada.

Happy now? Or is your belief system still challenged?

There was a post earlier telling OP she 'owns half the home ', unfortunately as OP has pointed out, the home is mortgaged, therefore the bank owns
the home and she can't afford the repayments on that mortgage. Advising to dig in heels and stay put really isn't feasible. Partner isn't going to leave and continue to make mortgage payments on a house he can't live in, plus maintenance payments, plus afford his own place. This wouldn't even happen if they'd been married.

She doesn't want to keep a house so her being married or not is totally irrelevant. She wants to stay in family home until she finds somewhere suitable to live because she has nowhere else to go at the moment. Any decent man who was responsible for the breakdown of relationship would have put his child first and move out to family for short while rather then allowing his child to stay in hotels.

@DysonSpheres it's basic sexism to tell a woman she isn't deserving of anything because she hasn't worked outside of the home as much as her partner and to tell her she should be moving out with her small child because she deserves less because she hasn't "earnt" it.

Just raving at me incomprehensibly isn't making a particularly cogent argument and it doesn't make me change my view, no.

Im guessing you're the sort of person who moans down the pub about the PC brigade gone mad or the woke police.

And @DysonSpheres I certainly can engage with a different view. I see the view that the man should be allowed to stay in the house because he pays the mortgage on it. I get the basic logic in it. I however don't think it is the moral or fair thing to do. If there wasn't a child involved then my view may be different. But there is a 2 year old who is going to end up homeless because her selfish father wants to stay living in the family home on his own.

Speak to Women's Aid and get some legal advice. In some countries you can get an order that asks him to leave.

Unfortunately you can't make him leave, same as he can't make you leave. If he did leave, and stopped paying bills how would you afford it, and find money for renting a new place? Can you increase your hours at work, given you said that you have family support, can they jump in to help? Whose name is the house in? If not married, do you have any assets in the property, did you pay any of the deposit? There's a lot more to sort out than just wanting him out, and unfortunately it sounds like you'll have to be the one to move out if he refuses

Well we can chat about what makes a man a decent man. But I think OP needs (not necessarily sure she wants) to understand the legal situation, not what we all think a decent man should do.

So again. It is his house too, they are both entitled to stay, neither of them should leave if they don’t want to. But if she doesn’t want to be under the same roof and he won’t leave, the only option is that she leaves. They are not married, this is very relevant, it means there is no financial settlement to be made beyond child maintenance.

The fact is that OPs partner is not demanding she leave, but the Op is demanding that he go, when they both have the same rights to remain in the property. Neither can be forced to leave by the other, so until things are sorted they have to learn to live in the same house. I would say if the house is big enough that they both have their own designated rooms. Obviously the kitchen will need to be shared, and possibly the bathroom if they have no en-suite, but they could work around this with time slots (for the kitchen). This could be a short term fix pending the sale of the house, or the partner buying out OP. Obviously op will need to now work, so hopefully her salary could be enough to get her own place with a deposit from the sale of the house.

I have never ‘demanded’ he left the house. I would have just liked that whilst I got my head together and found somewhere for me and my daughter. I don’t want to be in the same space as him, I’m angry at everything he’s done to me and I can’t seem to shake the anger. I just don’t like the atmosphere around my daughter and he can’t see anything he’s done wrong or what he’s done to break the family up yet he’s been doing the same things for months and months and my world is just falling apart.

OP, I'm sorry he isn't leaving the house. I remember the months I lived with my ex and it was a horrible atmosphere. But grit your teeth. This is why you're ending it. Don't be in the same room as he is; get out and about with your DD when it feels too much - this will give you a break. It's fortunate he works out of the house for most of the day!

Get your ducks in a row and focus on a brighter future for your DD.

@CharlotteCollinsneeLucas it’s just so horrible that it’s so near Christmas - the time for family and mine is just falling apart. I wanted to make it a special one for my DD but it’s just going to be horrendous, I don’t even know what to do about Christmas, my head is just a mess and I hate living here, it’s supposed to be our family home and it just feels so full of hatred and anger at the minute

Some good old Victorian responses on this thread.

If both your names are on the mortgage you both own the house, either as tenants in common or joint tenants. His contributions have been financial, you contributed childcare and home management.

Phone Gingerbread’s helpline for advice. It can take a while to get through as they are busy. They also have a webchat.

Stay calm, chin up, grey rock any antagonism, and explore options for mediation.