Can someone explain why I should not be honest about how awful my Nex is?

[cato40]

Why is it wrong? Why some horrible people get away with cheating and the other side needs to cover up? My friend who went through her DH cheating 15 years ago was telling me of years of struggles and humiliations, never telling her kids he was a serial cheat until they were adults. Now the kids love their fun and well off dad and don't really care about their mum. If her DD's best friend is cheated on by her boyfriend he is a b*stard but daddy cheating was OK.

Another friend's mum was cheated on but she stayed in the marriage (they are both 70+ different times etc) now her daughter, my friend, begrudges her mum for complaining about the husband/dad and refusing to look after him (both very old and in poor health), plus my friend, who discovered the affair and told her mum many years ago, loves her dad but hates the ex brother in law who cheated on her sister.

My husband cheated and we are divorcing. Why it would be bad of me to be honest and tell the kids about his affair if they will still idolise him in adulthood? Why can't i call a turd a turd? At least for the satisfaction of being open about it and the satisfaction of calling him for what he is? Why cheated on people should owe that respect to cheaters?

You can tell anybody anything, but your children's relationship with him as their father is separate from yours with him as your husband or ex. People forgive and love their parents after all sorts. They can love their father even if they don't like how he has treated their mother, they're separate things.
Somebody unrelated who does something to somebody you love feels a bit different to your parents issues between themselves.

Your friends DC just probably love both parents as they have their own relationship with each of them. Though don't know why the one has an issue with the mother not wanting to look after her ex! Bit weird to not understand why your mother wouldn't want to look after her cheating ex, even if he is your father.

Interested in this as well as people always say to never “bad mouth” the ex but why is telling the truth considered bad mouthing? Why should we lie and cover for them? People say children will learn for themselves but how if they are never told the truth? It’s like when people say not to tell a child their father is coming to pick them up just incase he doesn’t turn up, so how does a child ever learn for themselves? If they are always protected and never told the truth I’m not convinced they do.
My nephew was brought up always protected from the truth about his absent father and then when he got older his father came back into his life and he idolised him, my sister told him the truth about his father but he wouldn’t believe a word of it as he was never told the truth to begin with he eventually moved in with him and my sister was devastated, his father lied to him and told him he wasn’t allowed to see him when truth was he never bothered.

@SpinningFloppa that I don't get either. Bathmouthing is different from telling the truth and I genuinely don't see the benefit of creating this fake reality just to be kicked in the teeth a few years later?

Understand children's relationships with their parents are separate and the ex should not interfere but how is telling the truth interfering? My parents never divorced, would I think differently if they did? maybe this is why I don't understand. I do think that if one of my parents cheated on the other, once I was an adult, I would think less of that parent, or at least be ashamed of them: same if they were fraudsters, hooligans, crooks or whatever. Why we uphold certain values but make an exception if it is one of our parents that broke that value? Is that opportunism (like we forgive the cheating parent if he/she is well off and fun but not if otherwise?)?

I am not saying this in a judgy way, I genuinely struggle to see thw point of covering up for the other parent, and why most people do it if it then it blows back on your face? What am I missing?

Is telling children the honest truth in their best interests? I get the impression from your posts that the best interest of the children isn’t the central motivation for your musings. My DD’s father assaulted me twice and went to prison for the the last assault. After years of him being a lazy and self centred dick, they now have a relationship (all be it a guarded one). Should I be upset that they have a relationship after what he did to me and her? Relationships are complicated and I have always made it very clear that her relationship with her father is a separate entity from me. I will never forgive him for how he treated her but my relationship with him is different because he was a partner and not a parent.

Nope. You shouldn't protect the cheat/liar/abuser/whatever by covering for them in any way. Obviously there's a difference between telling everyone you meet and telling someone who asks specifically about something. In covering for them you are disrespecting yourself, giving people an inaccurate impression of your own behaviour (as you'll be blamed for things instead), and it just enables them to take advantage of others who dont know what they are really like. Also it's not on that they get to be held in high esteem when they deliberately choose to behave badly (and often the person telling the truth is hated for it, esp by the cheaters friends and family, which is all sorts of messed up and pathetic).

Their cheating might be the most important act of their marriage to you, but it shouldn't be your children's. The most important act of your marriage should have been having and raising them. If you make it all about your bitterness at how it ended you risk your DC seeing the half of them that is their father as bad and wrong.

By all means don't lie and cover for them, but don't make it the salient information. Presumably you liked them enough for years to have children.

Their best interests are not the same as yours.

My husband cheated when my children were 5&6 . They were too young to be told about his infidelity. He was a reliable part time dad and they still have a relationship with him as adults but when they grew up they realised what happened. However hurt you are it is not fair to destroy your children’s relationship with the other parent . If they have a good relationship you get a break and I know the OW was unhappy about the time he spent with his children and his continued involvement with me and that sort of made me feel better!

@AgentJohnson is covering up for him truly in their best interest though? Is forcing a relationship for someone who doesn't care as much in their best interest? Is forcing a relationship with an abuser in their best interest? Why so many women sacrifice their relationships with their children to cover up and protect the other parent's own relationship?
Why adult children of these couple condemn the behaviour in everyone but their parent? Isn't that undermining the parent that has been on the receiving end?

I think there is a difference between being honest, and emphasising that what happened is nothing to do with them, and being a dick about it.
How old are your dc?

My ex cheated on me and not the kids. My kids knew about his infidelity because of circumstances and my first sentence is why dc2 talks to her dad. It's not affected dc3 at all because he was too young to remember the lies and gaslighting at the time which greatly affected dc1 who is NC with his dad now.

I have noticed over the years, that if the man cheats, the woman doesn't tell the kids, if a woman cheats the man tells the kids.
I would absolutely tell mine if their dad cheated. I wouldn't go on about it, but I would be honest. His ongoing relationship with the kids would be his responsibility. I have a friend whose kids blame her for Daddy leaving, he was a serial cheater, she hides that from them and he gets to be the fun Dad who charms everyone. He keeps her short of money too, whilst he gets to treat the kids. Why do women protect men in this way?

I with your on this. I spoke to a child psychologist who actually said lying to our children is actually more harmful long term than age appropriate honesty.

Age appropriate honesty is not telling them daddy is an awful man (I really don't believe that slating daddy in front of the kids is a good idea) but giving them them an honest reason for the break up and not lying to them with daddy and mummy just didn't love each other or other such bs that they can see right through. Children will spot a lie and this is where they often start finding blame in themselves for their families being apart. Which is so damaging.

@MrsTerryPratchett thank you for your answer. So the answer is that telling the truth will make children feel bad about themselves and damage their self esteem, because they see themselves as half one parent and half the other and they would feel bad about being reminded or even knowing about the substandard behaviour of the other.

I'm with you op. Your children deserve to have all the information on someone with whom they are building a relationship or that relationship can only ever be founded in a false belief of who they are and the results of that are very sad as in your examples.
I think any child who has real and material facts about why their life looks the way it does and why their mum might feel/behave the way she does, is being let down.
That doesn't mean you have to bad mouth inappropriately, or go into unnecessary detail.
You defintely should tell them in age appropriate ways.
But withhold from them key information on who dad is, what sort of things he's done that have affected them, nope.
His actions his consequences. The poor ladies in your op examples were mistaken in their decision imo. The outcome is tragic and unfair.

Cheating/having an affair doesn’t automatically mean he doesn’t care as much about the children, nor that he is an abuser.

If there are reasons why the children cannot see the other parent - actual safeguarding issues not adult feelings - then they should be told why, in a child focused way.

Airing your adult emotions to children about one of their parents, 50% of who they are, is not fair on them and it’s about you and your feelings not theirs. Protecting them from these emotions isn’t “covering up” and shouldn’t damage their relationship with you at all. You’re more likely to damage it through exposing them to bitterness.

There are lots of reasons for having an affair. A lot of female posters on here admit to being unfaithful because they lascivious emotional intimacy in their marriages. Most posters are more understanding about women looking outside a stale marriage for comfort.
There are statistics which show younger women are more likely to be unfaithful than men.

www.washingtontimes.com/news/2018/jan/11/millennial-women-have-higher-rates-infidelity-mill/

I think it is dangerous to bad mouth a child's parent. You run the risk of being accused of parental alienation which is a crime. That child is biologically related to their parent and any criticism of the parent can be perceived as a criticism of the child.
Being a child of divorced parents isn't easy. Statistically their life outcomes aren't as good. I think it is important to give children as solid a foundation as possible ant to give them a sense of security from both parents.

Absolutely agree with @MrsTerryPratchett and other pp though that the children should not be made to feel awful about their parent who cheated and who is half of who they are.
They can know what they've done (betrayed mummy's trust) and the fact that that choice means things can't stay the same... That kind of thing, but not your day is an awful man and I wish I'd never met him.
Unfortunately breaking up the family is a bad thing to do so you can't fully protect them from being sad knowing he did that, but I don't think pretending the family feel apart for no reason is better.
Cheating causes damage and then it's damage limitation after that. So truth is important but so is dignity and understanding their perspective.

I never hid why my child left, why would I? You can’t tell your child not to lie and then blatantly lie about a persons behaviour. You can tell your child the truth if they ask and also state their relationship with this is separate to your relationship.

I don’t want my child to grow up thinking that behaviour is acceptable and so there is no way I was gong to brush it under carpet. Same as I was never going to down play his dad not turning up and bothering with him. My son knew it was not acceptable to treat him that way and it was nothing to do with him, my son knew that was shocking way to treat him and he didn’t deserve it. I was not going to excuse my ex’s behaviour and I have no idea why people think that’s a good idea.

It's not adult emotions. It's facts and honesty, there's no need to labour the point and bring emotions into it, no need to say how upset and hurt Mummy is, or Daddy is a bastard etc, just the facts. Children need to know the facts. Hiding this kind of thing from them is akin to telling them a dead pet has "gone on holiday" and then the children start to wonder if they did something wrong, were they responsible etc.

OP says: Why it would be bad of me to be honest and tell the kids about his affair if they will still idolise him in adulthood? Why can't i call a turd a turd? At least for the satisfaction of being open about it and the satisfaction of calling him for what he is?

That doesn’t sound like someone who isn’t going to bring emotions into it.

It isn’t divorce that harms children, it’s how their parents behave in their separation.

A quick google shows

Studies have shown that children of divorced parents are more likely to experience behavioral problems, academic difficulties, and mental health issues. They are also at greater risk of developing unhealthy relationships themselves.

Infidelity and divorce is not a crime and children should not be made to feel guilty and in some way responsible for their parents splitting up.
Anecdotally, many of my friends from divorced parents still suffer thirty years on from parental bitterness and feuding and have struggled with their own relationships as a result

I have noticed over the years, that if the man cheats, the woman doesn't tell the kids, if a woman cheats the man tells the kids

not always. Dh’s kids are adults now and still don’t know their mum’s cheating was what broke the marriage up.

sad thing is dh won’t tell them as he doesn’t want to ruin their relationship with their mum. Secondly he is fairly sure she has told them some fudged up story of how they grew apart with the bias being his fault, so he’d have to tell them their mum has lied to them too.

I was honest with friends, didn't bad mouth. Didn't need to... The truth was bad enough.

XH told my 13 yr old son what he'd done and why I was throwing him out. Didn't tell 11 yr old daughter. Now they're older, I know they know. Nothing needs saying by me.

I can hold my head up high, knowing my children know and that I behaved with dignity towards them throughout it all. It shows in the different ways X and I are treated by them.

Chn don't need to know the why until they want to know the why. Don't be the parent who breaks their heart with the painful truth.

I’d tell them when they ask. Just say their dad met someone else and that wasn’t okay for you. If you can’t keep it to neutral information only don’t say anything. Also, give yourself some time to process, the victim of the affair is not necessarily the victim of the marriage, and in a few years you might see what happened in a different light.

Cheating/having an affair doesn’t automatically mean he doesn’t care as much about the children...

Um... having an affair shows disregard of the family unit and any children in the family. Petty sure most parents are aware that cheating runs the risk of breaking up the family unit.