Can someone explain why I should not be honest about how awful my Nex is?

[cato40]

Why is it wrong? Why some horrible people get away with cheating and the other side needs to cover up? My friend who went through her DH cheating 15 years ago was telling me of years of struggles and humiliations, never telling her kids he was a serial cheat until they were adults. Now the kids love their fun and well off dad and don't really care about their mum. If her DD's best friend is cheated on by her boyfriend he is a b*stard but daddy cheating was OK.

Another friend's mum was cheated on but she stayed in the marriage (they are both 70+ different times etc) now her daughter, my friend, begrudges her mum for complaining about the husband/dad and refusing to look after him (both very old and in poor health), plus my friend, who discovered the affair and told her mum many years ago, loves her dad but hates the ex brother in law who cheated on her sister.

My husband cheated and we are divorcing. Why it would be bad of me to be honest and tell the kids about his affair if they will still idolise him in adulthood? Why can't i call a turd a turd? At least for the satisfaction of being open about it and the satisfaction of calling him for what he is? Why cheated on people should owe that respect to cheaters?

I am the very early stages of divorce but if one day kids will say they don't want to be suitcase children 'sorry your daddy chose tha for all of us', can't buy them expensive trainers or go on holiday 'sorry your dad threw us in a life of poverty' these are facts to me

You sound way too immature to have children. I had a parent like you who unsurprisingly I’m no contact with now. You’re job is to protect your children. Saying stuff like that is emotionally damaging. If children grow up with a bad relationship with their father it’ll likely effect all future relationships in a negative way.

Oh my god your children are not your therapists!!!! Your children do not need to know all of this! Don’t you have friends your own age!???

Your job as a parent is to protect your child not dump all your trauma on them!!!

I shall detail some of the effects it had on me.

*I became my mothers emotional crutch and because of this learnt not to put my needs first, therefore later in life have had to have extensive counselling to unravel my relationship with my Mum.

*Low self esteem because my needs were not important and not met.
*Fear about relationships as I felt that someone will always leave and abandon me, despite feeling so alone when single.
*I left the family home as soon as I could and developed very unhealthy coping mechanisms that i've had to undo. (drugs/drink/partying/dangerous sex)
*I've not had children, because I found it difficult to know what a healthy relationship was and because I had low self esteem and abandonment issues I was stayed with people I shouldn't have stayed with and then in my 30's steered clear altogether despite desperately wanting something loving.

My brother has twice tried to kill himself because of the fallout from his experiences.

I still speak to both my Mum and my Dad, they weren't privy to the knowledge that we have now about the damage that alienating parents from their children does, so I forgive them. It has changed my life forever though and I wish it could have been different and not taken till my late 30's to feel 'fixed'. I have a very good understanding of why i've experience life in the way that I have and it is down to not being allowed to be a child.

Children naturally want to love and take care of their parents, but it's your job to do that, your job to make them feel safe. They will understand things when they are older but you should be factual and remove YOUR emotion from it.

My cheating ex was a serial cheat. I protected the kids from the truth for years but this last time they were adults and they know the truth. They also now know the truth about the many times before. He has also told them to their faces if he had to pick between the new fool and them, he'd pick her.
He now thinks if he gives them space they will want a relationship with him down the track.. After saying that to their faces. Good luck to him with that.
I protected them previously thinking he'd change and grow up. I should have left sooner and told them the truth sooner.

OP
I fully agree with you. My DP's ex used to be violent, there were punches in the face every few weeks for over 10 years.

Yet all that is being kept from the kids in the name of...what?

I say used to, but it happened again almost 3 years after the split, because ex was unhappy at my existence.
It's completely shit, and unfounded.

My father left my mother for another woman when I was 21. My mother promptly demanded that myself and my two brothers (18, 22) cut all contact with him. At the time, I was the only one who had left home. As the only girl, I was the unfortunate and unwilling recipient of all my mother's bitterness and anger - she told me stuff about their marriage that was absolutely none of my business. She did it deliberately, to emotionally blackmail me. Sadly I was too young and immature to resist.

That was over 30 years ago, I'm in my mid 50s now. I've been no contact with my father since then, and very low contact with my mother for 25 years. I've not seen her in 13 years (I live on the other side of the world...by choice). My mother is 80, and even more bitter now that she was back then. Yes, my father shouldn't have cheated on my mother...but my mother shouldn't have used her adult children to 'punish' him for doing so. He ended up marrying the other woman and has now been married to her for longer than he was married to my mother.

@chemicalworld Every single thing you listed, on how it affected you, is the same for me. My two brothers haven't had children, either.

My whole life, the only feelings my mother has cared about are her own.

Every single thing you listed, on how it affected you, is the same for me. My two brothers haven't had children, either.

If I could reach through the computer and hug you @sianiboo and @chemicalworld I would. (You know, with permission!)

That bitter sadness that parents can cause is so all-consuming. It's so important to give children a safe and warm place to be children. Even if the reality isn't rosy.

Abuse and violence is a bit different because of the harm of not saying. But still understanding that children not having a positive story about their parents is harmful either way.

I hope you can both find as much happiness as possible. And also the women on here who have been treated badly, all the happiness in the world. But not at the expense of your children's happiness.

Thank you. Its not easy to talk about, as it feels so sad that things could have been different if the situation had been handled properly and we had been protected.

I count myself lucky to have sought counselling and I'm now successful in my work and have a kind partner and his children in my life. They've been brilliant and I feel reasonably content with where I am. I know my Mum and Dad would have handled things differently had they known the fallout, they are both devastated about the effect it had on us both. That's why I feel its important to share on threads like this.

I am sorry that my Mum went through what she did, I love her and loved her so much that I wanted her to be ok. I just wish she had been mature enough to know that my 10 year old shoulders were not broad enough to carry it and she did not understand the impact it would have. I was so angry with her for many years, but I know she didn't understand what it would do, and I know how sorry she is now. There are plenty of examples now as to why kids shouldn't feel like they have to take sides, so please don't do it to them as they deserve to not be pulled in two directions.

Thank you @MrsTerryPratchett and thank you @sianiboo for sharing, I'm sorry that you had to deal with it too.

I don't think anybody needs to cover up for anybody really, just that when the children of the relationship hear it their own reaction will be different.
Badmouthing is different to just giving facts.

@MrsTerryPratchett Thank you for your kind words, much appreciated.

@chemicalworld Unfortunately my mother has never shown even the slightest remorse/sorrow for what we went through as children (both parents are narcissists, constantly moving around the world basically ruined our childhoods). My older brother told his wife (who then in all innocence told my mother) that he has no happy memories of childhood. Instead of feeling sad about his, my mother reacted (still reacts) with anger, making sarcastic comments along the lines of 'oh yes, he was forced to work down the mines/walk 20 miles to school' etc. She's extremely defensive, to the point of being abusive. if we even dare question any of the decisions they made.

As a result there is no forgiveness towards either parent from me.

A cheating partner isn’t automatically a bad parent. A child doesn’t need to know which parent is in the ‘wrong’.

Stop playing the victim OP and move on, nothing is guaranteed in this life and you are the only person that is responsible for those children when they are with you.

Honest, age appropriate truth ALWAYS. They've got to be able to trust someone to always tell them the truth and it'd better be you.

I think that telling age apropiete truth to the children is absolutely fine. But there need to be healthy boundaries in place and wellbeing of the children should be priority.
Dumping your trauma on them, making them responsible for your problems and emotions, turning them against another parent, giving too many details or expecting emotional support is NOT OK.

Honest, age appropriate truth ALWAYS. They've got to be able to trust someone to always tell them the truth and it'd better be you

doesn’t always work like that though. If their mum isn’t saying she had an affair dad telling them isn’t going to help anyone.

the only thing I worry about is it’s common knowledge. I know, my kids know, friends and family all know. Even though she thinks she was discreet. They will find out. And I bet it will be their dad spreading lies….then the poor kids will be left having to choose between parents, and having listened to their mum drip in their ears all their lives it will be their dad that loses.