Need some advice please if this is a non-starter!
I’ve been speaking to a man from tinder for a month now. We’re both looking for a longer term casual partner/friends with benefits type scenario. We’ve arranged dates before but both had to cancel. Both logistically challenged - I’m a single mum with a 3 year old and he’s (supposedly) single with a 7 and 10 year old. my son is with his dad every other weekend and when asked if he has shared care he said they have an informal equal arrangement. Finally arranged to meet Saturday night - he messages a few hours before saying his son is having a sleepover and his ex wants him to be there so he might have to cancel. (Wtf - boundaries? Just say no??)
I’m obviously typing a very long message saying I think it’s going to be just too challenging for us to meet at this point and was a bit peeved I didn’t make other plans for that evening and the ex says no? Whilst I’m typing this long message I get a quick text back saying she’s changed her mind can I do slightly later once they’ve eaten dinner with his sons friend. (We both have iPhones he could see me typing - also mentioned on the date that he felt like I was going to say there’s no point continuing talking which I admitted was the case). I went on the date in the end because otherwise I would have been in doing nothing so thought why not at least it’s future practice.
Anyway on the date he was much better looking in real life, quite intelligent and can hold a decent conversation. It also transpired he’s still living with his ‘ex’ as a family unit but separate bedrooms.
He works in my town, where he moved when they separated (which I knew beforehand) then moved back to the next town along. It turns out that was him moving back into the family home (which happened during covid - she was working and needed more help with the kids during two isolation periods as he was wfh at this point. It went ok so they decided to make it a permanent thing as it was better for the kids and for finances which now with the cost of living make things a bit harder. They own the home together and even got the kids a puppy a couple years ago. They each do their own thing and the kids apparently haven’t really questioned why they have separate rooms, aren’t cuddly etc. the reason she wasn’t happy about him going out (he told her he was out with friends also) was because he didn’t put it in the shared calendar even though he’d reminded her the day prior. They plan to continue this arrangement (likely for the next 5 years or so). Apparently she doesn’t want to lose part of the lifestyle (4 bedroom house garden, playroom holidays etc) in a decent area plus childcare issues if they separate.
Im really dubious about this to be honest. At the end of the date I said I liked him but I can’t shake the feeling he’s still with his ex. We did have a kiss. Asked him if he can show my some evidence then I’ll definitely consider it. He messaged his sister but she didn’t get back to him straight away (it was gone 11 anyway) he woke up to some missed calls apparently she thought something was wrong. He’s explained the situation apparently and is waiting for her to get back again (they aren’t super close) it’s been like 36 hours now.
obviously I am aware of using protection before anyone raises it, I’ve had friends with mixed opinions on this. I’ve asked him if they are still together and he has said no, so I’m ok to continue as I’m not doing anything wrong. And to think about myself (who hasn’t been with anyone in almost two years since my sons dad and could probably use some sex rather than starting the whole vetting process from scratch again. On the other hand it does sound circumspect. I know a lot of people live together after separation but never as a long term arrangement even with school age kids. One is pretty convinced they’re still together and he could be a serial philanderer.
He isn’t interested in anything serious so I don’t believe he’s a cocklodger, the other alternatives are that they might be separated and he’s still actively trying to get back with her, possibly controlling using property ownership as an excuse, or looking for an excuse to separate.
He also mentioned the reason for separation was that she cheated, it came out of the blue and he had no idea she was so unhappy. In my experience men who say their ex cheated turn out to be the cheats.
Im aware even if he’s telling the truth if his kids mum is truly how he sounds she could be a pita if he’s still under her thumb, and how he might try to be the one who dictates/picks and chooses when we see each other. In both of those scenarios I would say bye bye anyway.
He also said he’s quite bad at communication - he is, as am I and I don’t have an excuse but that seems to be a bit of a flag for someone who is having an affair.
I definitely won’t be catching feelings for this man but would enjoy his company so a bit gutted things turned out to be so complicated. There’s always a catch!
What are everyone’s thoughts on this please, am I being fed a complete line, partial truth and is it a good idea to even sleep with him? It’s been a long time but I’m not desperate and can walk away (and go another two years or ten lol). I’m not interested in being a mistress or even inadvertently being the reason children’s lives are destabilised.
Thanks if you made it this far!