I’m 26 and feel I’m always tiptoeing around my parents

[stairyfairy2]

I’ve always had a bit of an odd relationship with my family, some of the dynamics are super toxic especially my parents relationship.

I live with my parents at the moment. Desperately looking to move out, but struggling to find a flatmate and can’t afford to rent alone.

They just seem to think I’m incapable of anything and have some really strange views. One example is when I was talking about moving to the big city for work, they ridiculed me about how I wouldn’t cope, how stupid I’d be to piss away money and I couldn’t do it. I Bearing in mind I went to uni for 3 years and paid my own way. I struggled a bit mentally but a lot of people do. Also I had bad flatmates in year 2, so they just kept saying I’d never get on with housemates.
I’ve never brought friends round either.

Another example is when I met my ex last year, I was excited to bring him round after a few months and for them to meet him, but they always said things like “why do we have to be involved/brought into your dramas” and “it’s too soon” etc. I couldn’t bring him round for months and months. I just feel like they couldn’t just be happy for me. When he did eventually come round, I got a bollocking about how we “hung about downstairs for too long” and “why did you leave him on his own to talk to us”.

Granted, my past relationships haven’t worked out and that one didn’t either. We split 5 months ago and now I’m in the stages of talking to somebody new at the moment who seems extremely good for me. I’m excited at the prospect of how it’s all going and I’m feeling really positive, but I’m genuinely so nervous about telling people. I just know my parents would ridicule me for example “it’s too soon” “you jump into things” which I really don’t think I do at all. Also, my sister just jumped into a relationship after 9 years with her ex, and they’re super happy for her.

I live so much of my life caring about what they think and I almost can’t let myself be happy because of it.

Is this me?

No, it's not you. You parent's are quite unkind and undermining. Would you tolerate that from a friend? We should have higher expectations of our family not lower than we would allow from acquaintances. What was your childhood like?

Can you look for a room in nice shared house where you can meet the other inhabitants before deciding.

Your parents are toxic. Move out asap

Agree look for a room in a house share. They don’t seem interested in your life, so feel free to tell other people about your relationship but leave telling them.

with parents like this, it’s best to add physical space and limit access to information. Eg. You don’t tell them you are applying for jobs or have a job interview, just once you’ve got it, you then tell them you are moving jobs. Or even after you’ve started. They don’t need to know you are dating someone until you are serious. And then don’t bother introducing them unless you are looking to move in together. Tell them you’ve been on holiday, not that you are thinking of going etc.

No it's not you.

Its your toxic parents.

Tell them NOTHING at all.

Not a eord about your plans, job, moving, and prospective relationships.

Look for a room in a house asap, a good distance away from them.

Hopefully seeing a lot less of them will make the relationship more bearable.

Your parents are very toxic.
Don’t tell them, they’ll only make you feel more nervous and undermine you.
Good luck with this new guy 💐

Little known fact - many parents are cunts.
Read some Alice Miller books.

Thanks all so much! 💐

Just another thing happened that tonight as well. I was thinking of going to Thailand alone at Christmas/new year whilst I can, and have time off work. I asked my parents for advice about whether I should spend the money on the flights as they’re expensive, but I would like to go somewhere hot.

Mum suggested Spain or France, and I questioned whether it’d be warm. Dad suggested I could get a cruise or interrail across Europe to eventually get to a hot country. I considered both ideas.

Mum then got super defensive, saying “hang on, all you did was shoot my ideas down, and yet Dad says to go to Europe and you’re all in”. Basically making it all about her when I was just trying to have a discussion.
I simply said I’m not doing this, and no wonder I want to get away for Christmas.

I have really had enough…

Stop asking your parents for advice - just do what you want to do. You really don't need to run everything past them.
Stop telling them everything about your life.
Move out as soon as possible- as suggested above, maybe a flat share.
Your parents have no right to be so involved in your life.

Your parents sound a bit controlling

I think they lost control of you when you left for university and are now saying anything to keep you under their thumb and to stop you moving out again now you moved back in. It probably comes from a place of love, but like obsessive love?

You're a grown adult at 26. You're not 21 anymore and you don't need them to hold your hand. I think you should move out. It's not that expensive - you'll have a better quality of life being able to live freely and not walk on eggshells. You might not be able to amass loads of savings but you won't live alone forever.

I'd get out as soon as you can - rent a room and go.

I'd also tell your parents far far less and stop asking their opinions, it sounds like it serves them in some way to make you feel incompetent and unworthy.

Can I recommend Jerry Wise on youtube? He is all about differentiating from your parents. ''Individuation'' I think Jung called it.
I was very enmeshed with my parents. There were no boundaries and if I tried to draw a boundary it was met with a text telling me ''we can't cope with your nasty behaviour''.

Don't do what I did. Don't challenge them. Just withdraw in to a learning stage here. Learn to be less reactive. And practice self0compassion too. It's very difficult to have your parents project on to you who they say you are. I find it very hard anyway. I'm 52 and probably closer to your parents age, but it's something I wish I'd tackled much sooner. When I withdrew my parents obviously used their age to try and guilt me in to capitulating to their narratives. They are extremely manipulative but always the VICTIMS of me! Realistically, thankfully, my conscience is clear, I know that ALL I DID was try to be heard but there has been a lot of shaming and blaming and thank goodness I recognise it.

There are a few good books on audible to rewire you. Just bcukle down and listen to your books without sharing the knowledge with them. Dr Beverley Engol has a few books, the good daughter, or good girl syndrome, John Bradshaw has a great book about shame. Parents project their shame on to their daughter. OFTEN.

Thank you.

Not sure I get that your parents are toxic.
All the evidence suggests that you are not, nor have you ever been independent. You lived as a student, when the state was financing you so not independent at all and since than have move back in with Mum and Dad.
You are living at home because you haven't managed to organise yourself to either earn enough money to live on your own or to get on well enough with other people to have flatmates lined up.
You are moaning online about your parents so biting the hand that feeds you which honestly is one of the most childish of traits.
You need to move out. Don't put it off. Do it. And don't involve your parents in planning your holidays.
The first step in being perceived as an independent adult is to be an independent adult. Someone who manages their own accommodation and plans their own holidays.

@antipodeancanary i got minimal student loan and worked almost full time during uni, despite being on a healthcare course and being on placement the majority of the time too.
I rented with a friend for over a year, then moved in with a partner. We split and that is the only reason I am now back home temporarily. I’m on over £30k a year so my career is fine thank you. So I haven’t just lodged at home since uni. It’s not about getting on with people, it’s about my friends not being in positions to move out or they live with partners already.

Definitely look into renting a room in a house share with other professionals. A few of my friends have done this and loved it.

When I was 26, the last people on earth I would have been asking for holiday advice would have been my parents. You need to move out ASAP & put some distance, both physical & emotional between you & them. Then you can work on stopping seeking their approval all the time. You’re an adult now, you don’t need it.

You don't need to rent with a mate - just get a house-share for a while.

Agreed don't ask your parents for holiday advice - just tell them where you're going if you want to have a conversation.

Even though house shares aren't the cheapest, on that salary even in my very expensive city you should be able to afford a reasonable one. Get onto spareroom and pick up someone's room who wants someone else to complete their tenancy - quicker to find and not too long term.

Sounds like you all desperately need some space apart from each other to move towards an adult relationship.

Where do you live that £30k isn't enough for you to move out of your parent's home? That's enough where you can live alone if you're hesitant about a house share

Not if she’s in London and quite a bit of the South East. She’d have to houseshare. There was a whole thread about it a few days ago.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4675374-to-think-on-ps30000year-i-should-be-able-to-afford-to-live-on-my-own-in-london?page=1

This is a prime example of exactly why you need to stop asking your parents for advice. Why on earth did you feel the need to ask them whether or not you should spend your own money and make your own plans, when you know what they are like?

If you want travel advice, or any other kind of advice, chat to your work colleagues about what they think, or start a thread on here.

I dont think your parents are enjoying living with you tbh.
You can't afford rent but you are considering going on an expensive holiday.
How much rent do you pay? How much do you pull your weight with housework etc.
You honestly sound like an overgrown teenager. Move out and get a house share before you drive your parents insane.

When did I say I couldn’t afford rent? I pay them £300 a month, do all my chores and I offered more.
And they’re the ones who actively told me I shouldn’t bother moving out and waste my money

"can’t afford to rent alone" This bit!
Just find a flat share and move out.